how do I ask for a separation ?

[wobblymrs]

OK so im in a mess. Ive been married over 10 years and friends for nearly 20 with my DH. WE have 3 kids all still in primary school. We have had problems for the last 5 years on and off. We had nearly 3 years of marriage counselling, started because I was so unhappy and felt trapped and nearly strayed and it scared me so I suggested therapy would be a good idea. We stopped going about 2 years ago and we felt things were ok. We are the best of mates, he's the most amazing dad. He helps around the house, earns good money, we have a good life. But....i hate sex with him. I have for a long time. And he knows it deep down but we have never really talked about it. I basically married my friend but not my lover. Even on our wedding night I didn't want sex and i remember the dread as we arrived at our honeymoon destination of thinking oh crap we are going to have to have sex and so its always been an issue. I either get drunk or take my head elsewhere. The marriage guidance touched on sex but i nearly threw up at the thought of even discussing it. For him, he has said that he won't live in a sexless marriage and why should he. For me I am happy pretty much in every aspect except I would rather not have sex at all and hence I avoid any physical contact with him, I don't even like kissing him. Cuddles fine but anything more intimate,no! I feel so miserable that i can't overcome this and just love him like he wants, he adores me tho can be a little controlling, I know this comes from his insecurity due to my lack of affection. I feel trapped. I look at and fantasise about other men all the time. I know if I say to him that I hate having sex with him it will be a deal breaker. I am thinking a trial separation to think about what we both need and want and get some perspective. I am material, I don't want to lose my home and struggle with money so that is a big issue that keeps me with me, I'm being honest, don't judge me. I also don't want to disrupt the kids lives, they are happy and none the wiser. It would literally break my heart to hurt them in any way. So we plod on but I can't keep doing this. How do I ask him for a separation and do they even work and how do they work and and and so may thoughts and questions. Can anyone help me????

Can't have always hated sex with him if you ve got three kids.

If your problem is sex and you've had counselling but didn't talk about sex, then the counselling was a complete waste of time. Three years of counselling but you didn't talk about the problem? Bloody hell, how weird is that? Sorry.

Anyway, rather than throw away what you have, you owe it to yourself your DH and your children, to go and have psychosexual counselling.

Thing is, what's the point of a separation.. you know things won't improve?

He needs that part of life and it's not fair to deny him it just because you like the material comforts. It's like you've lied to him

Let him go and maybe you both can find fulfilling relationships.

You don't need psychosexual counselling because you don't fancy someone. Flipping hell.

OP you cannot force yourself to desire someone. It's just not possible. It looks like a separation might be the best option.

Difficult situation for both of you.

Poor bloke... It seems like you have lied to him the whole relationship. I hope he finds the happiness he deserves. Why did you have 3 children with him? I think you should leave the house and leave him with the kids while you sort yourself out.

if you've ever done marriage counselling , you will realise how hard it is. We broached it but because i didn't want to say outloud that I hated sex I just couldn't talk about it. It's not the act itself. It's everything about it. Its all the intimate stuff before. I love him very much so affection and wanting to make him happy means I can manage sex. Has noone here had sex when they didnt want to because they needed to keep their partner happy?

mustard We had kids because we love each other and both wanted kids and maybe things were different then but I can't remember anymore. And how exactly do I sort myself out? And hoe exactly do I leave him a full time working dad to look after the kids?

It sounds to me like you really have got a problem with sex and intimacy, if you can't even talk about it. I really think you should go alone to see someone and really talk about your problems, before you go for separation.

I think people do have sex when they don't particularly fancy it, just to keep their partner happy, I certainly have.

flounderer, yes i think i would because we are very good friends and have a lot of love but we are really flat mates more than husband and wife and maybe I am being very negative looking back because things can't always have been that bad and I haven't told you anything bad about him because i feel like the bad person here. But it does take two.....

OP, you really cannot have sex you don't want to keep your partner happy. You really, really can't. It would be incredibly and increasingly damaging.

It doesn't sound as if you need psychosexual therapy. You fancy other men and are presumably turned on but the thought of sex with someone else? But you married a man you were not sexually attracted to and you cannot wish that into being.

The concerns about lifestyle changes if you split are valid. But a better alternative than forcing yourself to have sex with someone for the next thirty years.

ropsleybunny i have had nearly 4 years of individual therapy in addition to the couples therapy so believe me I have bloody well tried to change/understand myself etc But i try to change and things keep going full circle hence why I am here again

flounderer i've always had a low sex drive with him. He always complains that I never initiate or have to be drunk. This hasn't been the case with other boyfriends believe me. But i married with my head not my heart and in a way that decision has been a good one but now not so sure......

There isn't a need for more counselling. You aren't sexually attracted to him and in a way you deceived him into marriage. Had you been honest, you wouldn't be where you are.

Is he not a good lover? Does he satisfy you sexually? Do you actually get anything like pleasure out of sex with him?

You need to think what the point of the separation is? Are you hoping you'll feel attracted to him if you separate?

Do you work? If not you could start by trying to find a job, so as not gain some financial independence and so as not to be a financial burden on him if /when you split up.

flounderer discussed sex with my own therapist. I am happy but I get my happiness from my very busy life. I work part-time, have loads of friends with whom i socialise with, have amazing children who make me happy. We either go out alone or with other friends, rarely alone, even holiday with friends. He has a very busy stressful job and I always feel that he is more important than me. He def feels that we should all appreciate him more at home. We have a more parent child relationship now and altho we have tried to redress the balance of this it drifts back to this state. I never get jealous of other women liking him, He has told me many times oh sos and so made a pass at me at work etc and I never get jealous or worried that he will stray. I just don't know how I feel about him anymore. He has told me he thinks I'm too skinny and he never tells me I look good, he never has. He said that it isn't important to him if I look good its who I am that matters. But any woman knows that it bloody well helps to be told you're attractive esp as you get older. So it isn't as simple as I don't like sex but to me that is the biggest issue and therapy hasn't really helped. The reason we stopped was because we got a new puppy and i fell in love with my dog and was suddenly transformed into a happy and passionate person again, albeit directed to a dog. How sad am I?

SandyY2K yes i agree counselling prob won't make a difference and yes maybe I did lie to him and myself when I married him but I didn't do it intentionally or even consciously. I feel like a crap person for not being able to somehow pull out of myself a passion and attraction to my own husband. I am hoping by separating I will be better able to see our relationship clearer and maybe yes become attracted to him? Marriage is hard esp with young kids and maybe we have lost our spark and maybe time apart may help or maybe not but I def wouldn't walk away without exploring every option and avenue

it seems like the two of you are aware that your married life isn't 100%.
i'm sure if you just asked for a separation he would understand.
do you have a plan as to where you would like to live and a source of income, how would child care look like?

out2pasture yes def both aware things are not 100% and we avoid talking about it all these days, like the elephant in the room really. Think he wouldn't be surprised but when I have asked in the past he has always said if you want to separate then you can go, I'm staying put. Which with me being the primary carer for 3 small kids is not practical. We have no family nearby but over the summer holiday i could house sit for friends that are away. Childcare would be me as it always has been. I manage everything with the household and children diaries, I am pretty much his PA and housekeeper. He has no idea what clubs classes the kids do. Or even who their friends are. Im not moaning, it was kind of our deal, he earns more money that me, tho I work 3 days a week. And because i don't work part-time I do all the house and kids stuff too. Have no idea how a separation would work and altho he wouldn't be surprised , i think he would be very resistant to the idea and insist i left him in the house with the kids.

You don't need more counselling, there is nothing wrong with you sexually. You say you have had a good sex life before your husband and still fancy/ fantasise about other men. Your problem is you don't fancy your husband, it's not your fault. In my experience if it's not there now it never will be. I feel my issues were very much the same as yours, him wanting sex/ intimacy and me avoiding it at all costs. We are now separated and I feel much happier. I was hurting him everyday by pushing him away and it just spiralled in to arguments and emotionally becoming more and more distant from each other.

Would he agree to an open relationship where you both can have sex with other people?

karmanomore thank you for not judging and making me feel like I'm not a terrible person for not sexually wanting my husband anymore. You're so right, we stay because things aren't that bad. There is no good reason to leave, so we have carried on this way but it is slowly chipping away at me and I don't want to keep seeing the hurt and disappointment in his eyes overtime i don't respond physically in a way he'd like me to. He deserves someone to love him fully. It's a shit situation. I think talking openly about separation now altho hard is better than continuing to live a lie.Im just not sure how to do it. We can't afford to run two households and don't qualify for council/social housing. God knows where to start, no family nearby to go stay with. How do other do this?