how do I ask for a separation ?

[wobblymrs]

OK so im in a mess. Ive been married over 10 years and friends for nearly 20 with my DH. WE have 3 kids all still in primary school. We have had problems for the last 5 years on and off. We had nearly 3 years of marriage counselling, started because I was so unhappy and felt trapped and nearly strayed and it scared me so I suggested therapy would be a good idea. We stopped going about 2 years ago and we felt things were ok. We are the best of mates, he's the most amazing dad. He helps around the house, earns good money, we have a good life. But....i hate sex with him. I have for a long time. And he knows it deep down but we have never really talked about it. I basically married my friend but not my lover. Even on our wedding night I didn't want sex and i remember the dread as we arrived at our honeymoon destination of thinking oh crap we are going to have to have sex and so its always been an issue. I either get drunk or take my head elsewhere. The marriage guidance touched on sex but i nearly threw up at the thought of even discussing it. For him, he has said that he won't live in a sexless marriage and why should he. For me I am happy pretty much in every aspect except I would rather not have sex at all and hence I avoid any physical contact with him, I don't even like kissing him. Cuddles fine but anything more intimate,no! I feel so miserable that i can't overcome this and just love him like he wants, he adores me tho can be a little controlling, I know this comes from his insecurity due to my lack of affection. I feel trapped. I look at and fantasise about other men all the time. I know if I say to him that I hate having sex with him it will be a deal breaker. I am thinking a trial separation to think about what we both need and want and get some perspective. I am material, I don't want to lose my home and struggle with money so that is a big issue that keeps me with me, I'm being honest, don't judge me. I also don't want to disrupt the kids lives, they are happy and none the wiser. It would literally break my heart to hurt them in any way. So we plod on but I can't keep doing this. How do I ask him for a separation and do they even work and how do they work and and and so may thoughts and questions. Can anyone help me????

MissSmiley absolutely not no he wouldn't. It came up in therapy that I had been tempted to stray with a male work colleague but nipped it in the bud and he was furious. He def wants me and wouldn't want anyone else to have me. So I am the bad person here.

What does he do for your relationship. Initially your picture was off a marriage that worked well apart from sex but your last post is one that shows there is much more to it.

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly - just wow...

The OP doesn't fancy her husband anymore, and by the sound of it hasn't for a long time.

Let's just through her out of her home and while we are at it, take her away from her kids because she has the audacity to go off someone?? What is wrong with you?! Have a bit of compassion - she is clearly in bits.

OP - if this has been going on for years (not fancying him) I don't think any amount of counselling will help.

A trial separation might be best to give both of you a bit of space and maybe get used to the practicalities of sharing the kids, running two houses etc.

But to be honest, I think your marriage is over and deep down you know it.

It might feel like the scariest thing in the world right now, but I promise you that people (and children) survive divorce all the time. You sound like you actually like each other and are good friends - there is every chance that this can continue in time and you will both be happier.

You might not fancy your husband but I guarantee someone else will and he (and you) will be happier in relationships where you are both desired and desire your partners.

he provides for us financially and is a great father, very involved at weekends when he is home. For me, not much anymore. He is a good man, a kind man and a loyal man. If I need his help he gives it but I have to direct everything in our lives and micromanage. I just didn't want to say anything negative about him before. We have known each other 25 years! And its more than just us as a couple.Its our friendship group, our extended families. Its a lot to break up/destroy. It bloody frightening. Easier to continue. Im not good with change

I think you feel so guilty about the sex aspect you allow other things to slide. He wants you and no one else to have you but that is not up to him, he does not own or control you

I think you will have to separate,it's not fair on your dh to have a sexless marriage thrust upon him.

Your kids will realise and that's not fair on them either.
Best get the ball rolling soon while you are still friends.

elizabethhurleysafetypins more than anything i want him to be happy, i love him and he truly deserves a fulfilling relationship which I don't think I can really give him. I think a separation will help me deal with the reality of how I feel, I'm so confused right now but I can't keep crying in secret and pretending everything is ok in public. I love my kids and I love my life but i can't avoid sex with him forever and make him unhappy

sorry am getting bit emotional thinking about it.

If you stay, I am certain that it will only be a matter of time before one of of you has an affair, and that is far more damaging and difficult than walking away now before you lose all respect and love for each other.

As difficult as it is, I really think you need to find a way to talk to him and start being honest.

He wants you and no one else to have you but that is not up to him, he does not own or control you

I think that's a very basic expectation in marriage... To not want your wife to be with another man.

It's not control or ownership... It's a monogamous marriage.

If the OP gets a divorce, then of course she can be with who she wants and he has no right to interfere.

karmanomore how did you do it? What finally made you tell him and did how did he afford his own flat? These are the questions I have. And yes think some planning ahead is wise. At least I have my own income. I know he won't pay for me to cont living on our family home with the kids while he has to downsize. He will def make sure I increase my earnings and pay my way tho he earns 6 times a much as I do now and even even if I was full-time he would still earn 3 times as much as I could.

and the kids are still in primary school so who would look after them if I was forced to work more by him?

You and the kids can't be forced out of your home.

If you are and always have been the primary carer then that should continue. If you have 3 kids at primary school and are working 3 days a week you are doing great.

Get some advice. Lots of solicitors do a free 30 minute initial session.

Do you know anyone who has recently been divorced and can recommend one?

Once you separate you will be able to claim WTC and CTC on top of your wages which will help (both of you) a lot.

Nobody is forcing you out of your home.
But you basically married a man you knew you didn't fancy or want to have sex with. That's really unfair.
Kids won't be in primary for ever.

dustarr73 if only it was that simple to explain and reason, there is a lot more to it than that. People change and life changes and i can't even remember now what I felt back then, everything is clouded and confusing now. And yes the kids will grow up but they will need parenting/caring for for at least another 10 more years. How does that help me now to say oh well they'll grow up! The immediate is what Im thinking of not the future 10 years away. I hope you never find yourself in my position but if you ever do then I really hope people are a bit more compassionate to you than you are being right now.

op, you love your children, your husband loves them equally. even though men and women often go about caregiving differently it doesn't mean it's done badly.
children are quite resilient and will cope knowing both of you are happier.
i'm sure just as in your husbands successful business life he will be able to figure out how to "replace" some of the tasks you routinely do (pa work etc.)
have you ever thought of what you would do if your spouse passed away?

Do not leave the house and your children without getting legal advice first. The set up he wants wouldn't work anyway if you are the main carer.

The worst scenario is you divorce and sort the finances while still living in the same house if he won't move out.

The finances are usually complicated when there are children involved and yes it is hard to run two separate homes. You will have to be realistic about what that will mean eg selling the family home/working more. As for what do you do re childcare, you buy it in but you might get help with it through tax credits.

Why don't you start getting your facts straight re how it could work.

The financial side really worried me too, but actually with increasing my working hours and claiming tax credits and cutting back on some stuff it was surprising how much 'excess' was found. I can pay all my bills and have money over with a combination of wages, maintenance from ex and tax credits.

I know lots of other women who are in the same position and manage ok. Yes it is harder than being together but doable. There is only one who regrets leaving the marriage, and that is purely based on the fact that she misses her large home and can't have the things / holidays she used to... but she is my most materialistic friend and Those things matter a lot to her.

A friend of mine recently divorced her husband, two children, large mortgage and it was very acrimonious. He desperately wanted them out of the family home, they couldn't agree so it went all the way to being heard and decided by a judge. The judge has allowed her to keep / stay in the family home until youngest child is 18 then it will be sold and equity shared 75/25 (to the wife). Courts do not like to see children on the streets if there is an alternative.

Worst case scenario is that your husband will be very upset /bitter as my friends was, and you have a legal fight on your hands.

Do get some advice OP.

thank you everyone for the advice. The next step is to talk to him. At the moment he is avoiding me, either going out or going to bed. I ask him are you ok and he says no I am very sad and unhappy, so I say lets talk and he says not now and walks off. I think breaking some plates might have to be the answer Karma! I am so tired. Was at hairdressers today and just cried and cried, she must have thought I was a nutter. A week ago I was thinking we might be able to work this out but as time goes on I feel that i'm done. For the sake of the kids I want it to be as friendly as poss but I fear he won't make it easy for me. Will see how it goes, hard to ask for a separation when he won't stand still long enough for me to talk to him