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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my wife a cheat

45 replies

Mrhusband · 11/07/2017 16:19

Hi All

My wife started working closely with a man. They started to get a little friendly. Texting and going to the gym together. She has asked me to leave and stated she is not happy and hasn't been in a while. Obviously this left me heartbroken. I have found flirty texts. She has started looking after herself more and spending more time at the gym. She won't talk at all and doesn't want me back. I've lost everything overnight. It's eating me up because in my gut I know there's something going on but she says he's just a friend. They both deleted Facebook after I found some messages. He has a partner who he lives with. I've though about telling her that her husband is sniffing around my wife but I can't prove that they are having an affair but are to close and the messages look suspect. Any advice would be appreciated

Thanks

OP posts:

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 11/07/2017 16:21

If she's asked you to leave and told you it's over then no, she's not cheating.

It's harsh, but they're together now.

Original poster

Mrhusband · 11/07/2017 16:23

Sorry, No he was sniffing around before she asked me to leave.

OP posts:

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 11/07/2017 16:24

Not necessarily King it's obvious there has been something there before this she didn't just tell OO to leave as soon as she felt an attraction.

Honestly I think if she can be so mean and uncaring you are well rid OP.

He won't leave his wife so she'll be left with no one and it'll be her own fault.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 11/07/2017 16:24

X Post.

Iamdobby63 · 11/07/2017 16:31

I'm sorry you are going through this. It seems like she has met someone else but there doesn't seem to be any benefit to you to try and find out any more as you will probably never know the truth.

Do you have children? Do you both own the property?

stumblymonkeyagain · 11/07/2017 16:31

There may be, or may not be another man.

The thing is that doesn't change your situation....I totally appreciate why you'd want to know but you may never find out.

The best thing to do now is to focus on yourself, your relationship is over and it's time to consider how you can best move forward.

Original poster

Mrhusband · 11/07/2017 16:38

I have a young daughter which makes it harder. I don't understand how someone could be so cold, we have been together since our teens. We have just recently sold a property and we were renting a house. She has mentioned a divorce in anger but hasn't mentioned it since. It's the unknownand the fact that he was sniffing around but she won't talk or says very little. Thanks

OP posts:

Adora10 · 11/07/2017 16:42

usually when a partner acts this way especially being cold would indicate they've moved on, they may just be friends but I'd not rule out an affair either, it's horrible.

You say him sniffing around, she's not blameless either tho.

magoria · 11/07/2017 16:53

Unfortunately your wife has moved on.

If she cheated it not only they know.

All you can do now is make plans for the rest of your life including divorce and what is best for your DD.

It's bloody horrible but the sooner you face up to it the sooner you start to heal.

averageguy1 · 11/07/2017 16:53

It takes two people for this to happen not just her friend sniffing around , I would suggest that you accept it's over as it sounds like she has checked out of your relationship. You may have some tough decisions and times coming your way but all things work out with time .

Iamdobby63 · 11/07/2017 16:59

It is hard but you need to focus on you now. Make sure that if there are any shared funds from the sale of the property in an account that it is secure. I know you won't want to but I strongly suggest getting some legal advice. Does your wife work?

I understand it's painful and it's not what you had planned but you can still be a fantastic Dad to your daughter.

Original poster

Mrhusband · 11/07/2017 17:04

I know she's not blameless. What I can't understand is that how you can just fall out of love with someone that quick. In terms of divorce I'm not sure how we could get divorced as there has been no domestic abuse or adultery on my behalf and she won't admit anything. At the minute I feel she's ended up better off, she obviously doesn't care much for me, live's in our house, drives our car and being a mother has the upper say in our daughter. I have to wait for a phone call every night so I can speak to my daughter. She is to young to ring herself. Theres a lot of unanswered questions and a very long road ahead. Thanks

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 11/07/2017 17:10

I think this is done OP.

She's moved on already & you need too as well, for your own benefit

wherearemymarbles · 11/07/2017 17:11

Maybe she fell out of love with you a while ago. You cant turn a head that doesnt want to be turned.

She doesnt want to be with you. The other guy might have precipitated her decison or not. They might be having an affair or not.

Its not nice but whatever the truth is, she doesn't want to be with you so all you can do is keep your dignity.

Iamdobby63 · 11/07/2017 18:20

Sometimes when people get together at a fairly young age at some point some people feel like they've missed out on something. I don't know if that's happened with your wife or not but seems like she has her mind made up and she may or may not find out that the grass isn't always greener. It the long run it could turn out to be the best thing for both of you.

Your resentment is understandable but you still have parental rights and can share care of your daughter with your wife. Have you already moved out?

Please do take my earlier suggestion and seek legal advice. You need to look out for yourself which you can do without being unfair to your wife.

Changedname3456 · 11/07/2017 18:25

If you're joint tenants then you need to have her take over the tenancy in full as you'll still be liable whilst you're named. If she refuses to do this then contact the landlord and serve your own notice. If there are assets from the sale of the house I would also make sure those are safe / frozen (if possible) whilst you get the divorce done.

You can apply for divorce based on her unreasonable behaviour. She has kicked you out of the family home - that is the definition of unreasonable. It's more than enough to get the divorce started.

Make sure you see your daughter overnight for as many nights as you can manage - as close to 50:50 as your circumstances allow. She might think she can dictate access, but you have as much parental responsibility as she does and the court won't take too kindly to her dicking around with access.

Log every request (and refusal) and get something in writing as to who has what nights, what the pick up and drop off times are etc.

Last of all, go and see a solicitor. You're already on the back foot because you were born with a penis. You need to get advice and act quickly on the divorce. Don't allow an unfavourable situation to persist just because that's what she wants.

Areallmencheats · 11/07/2017 18:51

I feel really sorry for you OP as everyone is telling you to accept that your marriage is over.
I am going through something similar and I know that you need some time to digest what is happening before you can start a divorce.
It is heart breaking to lose everything overnight. It's probably not happened overnight for your wife. She has probably had months to get used to the idea and has gradually detached from you.
You will need to get legal advice soon but take a few days to get your head around it first. Hugs to you and your daughter xx

rusholmemuffins · 11/07/2017 19:00

I wrote this from the alternative perspective 18 months ago. My husband said the same and left me for another woman. All the advice I had from MN I ignored because it was too painful. I wish I had listened.

You may not take my advice, but file for divorce and try to arrange a split in equity that is fair for you, too. My Ex is trying to shaft me. He's trying to prevent me getting enough money for me and out four children (who live with me). Get on it and sort it as soon as you can. It's like ripping off a plaster - painful, but less painful in the long run.

I really know how you're feeling. 18 months later, my life is better in every way (apart from him irritating me). I would have laughed in your then, but now really life is good. Yours will be too. Move on before she has the chance to mess with your head any more.

Original poster

Mrhusband · 11/07/2017 19:07

Thanks for the replies. I have been out the house for 4 weeks. I know she has made it clear she wants to be on her own. What happens if it's just a blip and she's went crazy and got the itch and he is just a friend. Or am I in denial. Would a divorce be to soon?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/07/2017 19:12

It's not too soon. It sounds like she's pretty emphatic about it as well.

Try not to focus on the cheating/not cheating. Focus on your relationship with your DD going forward, looking at practical solutions for co-parenting and being good parents separately.

I know it's hard. But in ten years you honestly won't care if she cheated. You will be heartbroken if you have made poor decisions about your DD.

Quimby · 11/07/2017 19:18

Oh she's almost certainly cheated.
If the house is owned don't leave whatever you do.

Quimby · 11/07/2017 19:20

Just saw you've recently sold and started renting.

Empty out half of any joint accounts before the lot is gone.
Try and get a hand on any important documents (passports, bank documents etc) and get them somewhere safe.
See a solicitor.

JK1773 · 11/07/2017 20:44

I think from what you're saying she has emotionally checked out of your relationship and in my experience that's terminal and it's over. She may have had an affair but I think probably not if he has a partner. She has definitely had her head turned though. This would not have happened if all was well in your relationship. I really feel sad for you. I'd get used to your new family arrangement before starting a divorce. There's no rush for that

Iamdobby63 · 11/07/2017 21:30

Please get legal advice.

Does your wife work?

Have you both agreed what you will pay for in the interim period?

wherearemymarbles · 11/07/2017 21:34

Where is the money from the house sale? Who has access to it?

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