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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my wife a cheat

45 replies

Mrhusband · 11/07/2017 16:19

Hi All

My wife started working closely with a man. They started to get a little friendly. Texting and going to the gym together. She has asked me to leave and stated she is not happy and hasn't been in a while. Obviously this left me heartbroken. I have found flirty texts. She has started looking after herself more and spending more time at the gym. She won't talk at all and doesn't want me back. I've lost everything overnight. It's eating me up because in my gut I know there's something going on but she says he's just a friend. They both deleted Facebook after I found some messages. He has a partner who he lives with. I've though about telling her that her husband is sniffing around my wife but I can't prove that they are having an affair but are to close and the messages look suspect. Any advice would be appreciated

Thanks

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 11/07/2017 21:46

"sniffing around"?
She's not a dog Hmm

What shared childcare arrangements have you come to so far, informally? That needs to be your priority now - sorting out (50/50?) child care.

Most divorced people I know do not have phone calls with their kids on the days they aren't with them. I would focus on your time together, and not worry about phone calls on your ex's days, unless your daughter specifically wants them.

Mumfun · 11/07/2017 22:22

I know several divorced dads who speak to their kids most days so do what you and your daughter feel comfortable with.

Sorry this has happened to you. It is so painful.

Take each day as it comes. Look after your health and try to get support from family and friends. Do get legal advice. Do get an agreed schedule in place for seeing your daughter

The website Wikivorce is useful and also this book for 99 pence on Amazon re the divorce process:www.amazon.co.uk/Divorce-Splitting-Up-Advice-Lawyer-ebook/dp/B00RM0ZU6A/ref=sr_1_5?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1499808106&sr=1-5&keywords=divorce

lostpigeon · 11/07/2017 22:50

if the sexes were reversed it would be almost certain an affair had taken place

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/07/2017 23:32

@lostpigeon is anyone saying it didn't happen? I think most people are posting that contact is the important thing, generally not an issue for women during a divorce who don't normally lose contact with children.

The issues are different; the advice is different.

newjobsoon · 12/07/2017 00:02

Hate hate hate the term sniffing around. I would divorce the type of man who says that. Yuk

Notmyrealname85 · 12/07/2017 00:14

Who gives a shit if he said sniffing around?! Different dialects people...

The "maybe she cheated, maybe she didn't" is almost a red herring. It almost doesn't matter - the end result is the same. She's left you and it's always going to be a shitty situation Flowers but...long term you can find someone you're better suited to too. It could definitely be a long term improvement.

Please be easy on yourself and plan your next steps carefully - access to your child is obviously a priority. You're understandably incredibly hurt by what she has done to you, but remember your daughter does need access to your ex, who can still be a good mother even if your relationship with her has broken down.

Hope you have a good support network in real life, and please feel free to post away here if it helps at all Flowers

Changedname3456 · 12/07/2017 00:22

"Hate hate hate the term sniffing around. I would divorce the type of man who says that. Yuk"

Useful advice that... I'm sure OP's found that a huge help Hmm

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/07/2017 00:31

The term 'sniffing around' was used three times by the OP and I did clock it myself. And it did make me Hmm Sometimes it's just different people and different phrases and sometimes language makes certain attitudes obvious.

I agree it's not helpful for the OP but it might be helpful going forward. It is a good idea to use neutral language about the mother of your child. Particularly if you aren't VERY sure of an affair. In this case I am fairly convinced. I'd also bet she was unhappy before the affair started so the affair, although awful for the OP, isn't the most useful thing to focus on.

The marriage is over; time to emotionally protect himself and his child.

Changedname3456 · 12/07/2017 00:44

Oh yeah, 'cos she couldn't possibly have just decided she wanted to bump uglies with the fuck work buddy, she HAS to have been "unhappy in the relationship."

Don't see many cheating men being given that degree of soft soaping on this site.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/07/2017 00:47

No, I don't think they necessarily do. And I saw one today where a woman wanted to move away after her H cheated. The majority of posters told her to. I don't think that's right actually. I think the relationship between parents and child should trump the relationship between divorced parents. Unless there's abuse or violence.

But I don't think happily married people have that many affairs.

Teatowelfairy · 12/07/2017 01:03

Why the Hmm at "sniffing around"? It's a phrase I hear and use quite often in my area, widely used by both men and women.

OP she may or may not have cheated, either way I don't think it's helpful to dwell on it, although I can understand why you would want to know.

HarmlessChap · 12/07/2017 01:06

Whether your wife has had a physical relationship with this man is unclear, but it does seem she has had an emotional relationship so I would say yes she is probably a cheat.

Does that make it better? I doubt it but the thing to focus on is you and your DD and how best to move forward with your life/lives.

You deserve better than being with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/07/2017 02:05

Why the hmm at "sniffing around"? Because it refers to dogs on heat.

Hunted68 · 12/07/2017 07:23

Been through this a while back and it hurts. One thing I did wrong was play to her tune afterwards in the fear I wouldn't see our child. By doing this I had to watch every subsequent disaster of a relationship she entered into and not do anything to remove our son from the situation earlier.

Actually turned out well in the end as he saw the light as he got older, chose to live with me and I married a lovely woman so all in all she did me a favour.

Needless to say her life is still a car crash.

SandyY2K · 12/07/2017 07:28

You've received some helpful advice and others focusing on your vocabulary should be ignored.

I would agree on legal advice re visitation.
I would ensure you protect your share of the finances.

I would file for divorce. Doesn't matter if there's been no admitted adultery. You or she can still file.

In fact ask her when she's going to file. I bet that will surprise her.

From now on, just be civil towards her and keep discussions around your DD and the divorce that she wants.

The worse thing is to look needy or desperate to reconcile.

You should only consider reconciliation, if she's begging and apologising.

Teatowelfairy · 12/07/2017 10:20

MrsTerryPratchett I'm well aware that the term is used regarding dogs in heat, however, in my locality, "sniffing around" does not just allude to this.
I have heard it said and also said it usually when alluding to the fact that someone is hunting/digging for info/gossip, freebies, first dibs, head hunting and, sexual interest. In my experience, it usually is used as a slight towards the person doing the sniffing rather than being used to liken the recipient of the attention as a dog in heat. Google seems to agree with me on this.
I don't believe OP was likening his DW to a bitch in heat but rather using it as a put down of the OM's character.

LesisMiserable · 12/07/2017 14:11

I'll back you OP. Its as plain as anything this is an exit affair, and a textbook one at that. Its amazing how cruel and cold a person can turn on you when they are comparing you in their head to the new interest. Whether or not it goes anywhere now is irrelevant, you deserve better than being dropped like you're worthless. Please cut her dead as she has with you and communicate only about your children and financials. There is better out there for you now, one door closes another opens.

Original poster
Mrhusband · 12/07/2017 14:30

Thanks for all the advice. One minute she wants to make conversation the next she is being damn right cold. I just dont know what she is thinking. Sniffing around is a figure of speech. In no terms am I calling anyone a dog. I have respect for women and the stupid thing is I respect my wife even though she's put me through this. Thanks

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 12/07/2017 18:36

It's hard to comment on why she blows hot and cold it could be that she still wants to draw you in to be sure you are still there should she change her mind or perhaps she is aware that she is giving you false hope and then goes cold.

You need to take the lead and protect yourself both emotionally and financially.

Ss770640 · 26/09/2018 20:37

Ask her straight up:

Do you want to heal the marriage or not?

That's what i did and she said no.

In my opinion she's already left and seeing someone else. That's why she is so cold, you are now the obstacle to her happiness. Ie affair partner.

It's shallow. It's cruel. But it is what it is.

Overnight my wife went from I love you to don't touch me.

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