I need female advice on having more children

[markl80]

Hi Ladies and gents,

This post is probably going to make me sound like a total git and I shall brace myself for you comments!

I am a guy in my 30's I am happily married to a woman I love and have been for over 5 years. We have a nice house and very little financial worries as I own a reasonably successful business and we have a daughter who is almost 3 years old and I have 2 children in their early teens who are with us for about half the time.

I love all my children very much and would like to think i am quite hands on and helpful (as I should be). But the problem is that right from the start of the relationship with my wife almost 7 years ago I was always clear that I would be happy to have ONE more child which we have.

My wife amazingly has no recollection of this despite others clearly remembering it, she always just said well we will see what happens and I always replied that I wouldn't change my mind.

Now after a long time of seeing my wife unhappy at me refusing I weighed up my options and agreed to try for a baby due to me being scared of losing her or her resenting me for life.

That was almost a 9 months ago, in this time we have had a miscarriage which was awful for my wife and I but now another 6 months has passed and every time she comes on her period she gets more upset.

Unfortunately I am not upset and every time I just feel a bigger sense of relief then i feel dread every time we have sex (to the point that i am having to use viagra behind her back just to keep it up) I am growing more and more resentful and i honestly am now scared that when she falls pregnant I will truly resend her and this child.

What the hell do I do, I don't want to hurt my wife and if I tell her the truth I fear my marriage will end but if I don't then I feel like it is going to be even worse. I kept telling myself that I will love the child when it arrives but I honestly don't think I will, that sounds awful and I hate myself but I am making myself ill. It is

The chances are you will love it when it arrives, but that doesnt mean you will want it,or that your marriage will survive.
You have as much right to not want any more children as your wife does to want more.
You could try marriage councelling to help either one of you accept the others decision but in my experience children, waiting more, or not as the case may be is the one thing that cant and shouldnt be compramised on.
Im sorry op but you need to explain to your wife how you feel about this, how strongly this is effecting you both mentally and physically.
If she chooses to end the relationship then that may be the best solution you cant be expected to go along with this if you both want such different things, especially in relation to such an important issue.

You shouldn't ever have to feel like you're being forced into something you don't really want.

Having another baby is a big deal and a lot of responsibility. You will have to care for another person for the next 20 odd years. Of corse you will love the baby if it happened, but it isn't what you really want. You've already got teenage children, so you've already been though it all and clearly know what your feeling is the right decision for you.

I understand it must be very difficult as you want to keep you wife happy. I would never want to do something which would risk my relationship but if she does leave you for this, then maybe it's for the best. She should be grateful you already have a child together, which is lucky compared to some couples who can't even have children. I know it also must be difficult for her dealing with the fact you don't want any kore children but she shouldn't be pressuring you into such a big decision.

Maybe have another conversation with her about it and let her know how you really feel. And if you're 100 percent certain you don't want anymore children, don't have sex without protection, that wouldn't be helping your situation.

Everyone on here always says - and it is good advice - that the feelings of the person who doesn't want to do something always outweighs the feelings of the person who does i.e. no one should be forced to something they don't want to do. You need to be honest with your wife even if you have to organise some counselling sessions to officially spell it out. Then she can decide if she can get past this or if this is a 'deal-breaker' for her. Good luck!

I don't think having a baby ever cements together a struggling relationship does it? And this one sounds like it has the potential to tear yours apart.

IMO, better to be honest with her and see where the chips fall. One or other of you is going to end up resenting the situation (her for no baby, you if she manages to conceive).

You have every right to decide that you don't want anymore children. Since it sounds as though you are financially stable, I suggest you talk openly to your wife and then pay for the best marriage counseling you can afford. If you want to save and heal your marriage, you will need guidance.

And you are NOT a git. It's just time for a no holds barred talk with your wife. Make sure you tell her as earnestly as you can how much you love her.

Well I don't think you're a 'git' either, a child is a big deal. And you already have three. She only has one though. I feel sad for her to see you so close, with three children, it's like right there in front of her, the man she is married to has three times as many children. Your children have a sibling, I mean close in age to grow up with.

I also don't think its fair to call in witnesses to a conversation held years before her child was born! It must be frustrating for you though I get that. You meant one child and you said one child and she seemed to accept it. So I get why you're tempted to call in witnesses to the conversation to 'prove' that she said that, once upon a time. But you have to reach consensus now. You two. So don't call in witnesses! Good luck.

Time for an honest conversation about it.

If she falls pregnant, you will be resentful and as you know a child has a significant impact on your lives. Holidays, sleep deprivation and a lot of work.

I doubt you'll loose her, because realistically, is she going to find another relationship, where the man wants a child, is well off and is happy to be a step dad in a short time frame if she leaves you?

As well as her then having another dad for her next potential child and having your shared child part time?

She'd be silly to do that. It's not worth it for

I say that as a woman whose husband wanted more kids and I didn't.

He wasn't going to leave and be faced with seeing the children we have part time. What would be the point of that. Risking me remarrying and him seeing another man spending possibly more time with his children than him.

It's a no brainer... Not to mention the effect it has on the children.

Once you've had the counselling and agreed no more kids, go and get the snip. Make it certain.

What a difficult position to be in.
You obviously have to speak to your wife and I second looking into counselling.

You definitely shouldn't have another child if you don't want one, it wouldn't be fair on any of you.
But I'm sorry, I disagree with Sandy I think you need to be prepared that this could end your marriage.
Your wife obviously really wanted another, which is why you reluctantly agreed to it. Add to that her grief over the miscarriage.

I think you need to really think about how's best to tell her and do so as gently as possible.

Good luck OP, I really hope everything works out for you both.

Do NOT have another child in these circumstances. Even if it means your wife leaves you.

Thanks for all the advice, you have all confirmed what I feel is the right thing to do. My biggest mistake in all this was trying to do the right thing and making the situation worse :( .

Just for the record I never called in witnesses over whether I said I would only have one, thats just private conversations I have had with people to confirm im not going mad!

She is due her period next week so I will have to wait until that has arrived before broaching the subject, it would be the worst thing in the world to have this conversation only to discover that she is already pregnant.

That said she is perfectly aware that this is not what I want, I have been honest to a degree and have at no point said I am now happy with this. But whenever I have mentioned that I am still unhappy with trying (even though we are) she looks at me like ive just shot her :(

I am not remotely sure how I can begin to have this conversation without her having a breakdown, hating me or me caving again out of guilt! I agree with the counseling but I still have to explain why we are going first.

I should also say that our 3 year old was born 3 months early so she feels like she never had the full pregnancy experience :(

Your wife knows you aren't happy and don't want another baby but is emotionally manipulating you into having another one!

She sounds quite controlling OP, sorry.

Never ever have a child with someone who doesn't want one!

Heaven forbid something happened to her and you have two young kids to look after alone - I've read about this happening once on here.

The looking like she's been shot is manipulation. I assume she's around your age too?

Like I said, where and when will she get to the point of leaving you, having a new relationship... Getting to know him... Then having a baby..? Eggs start to decline and that's probably why she hasn't already fallen pregnant.

Unless she wants to go to a spermbank or has someone lined up... There's no guarantee of her having another child soon without you.

It would be very foolish for her to leave, but if she tries to throw out that she will.... Then simply put... Tell her to do what she has to.

No child should be planned when both parents aren't on board. It's unfair on the child.

I have a different perspective. After we had DS my DH made it very clear that he did not want more children . I did want another and felt very sad . My DH similarly to you did not want me to resent him for the rest of our lives and caved in. Subsequently we had another son with a 3 year 8 month age difference. DH now agrees that it was the right thing to do and that it would be miserable to have deprived ds1 of a sibling. We are very happy together. I think if he had refused then we would have ended up splitting up.

I should also say that our 3 year old was born 3 months early so she feels like she never had the full pregnancy experience

That's a terrible reason to have another baby.

I feel for you, OP - hold your ground. Your wife is pulling a fast one.

You should tell her the truth and ask her if she wants to end the relationship. She wants another child - you already have 2 of your own, yet you don't want her to. It would be very selfish of you to string this out until she is too old to have another wanted baby. Give her the chance to have children with someone else.

I feel like I have portrayed my wife in a bad light, I don't think she is intentionally manipulating me. Its just something she wants so so much.

Obviously thats also what makes this so hard as.

Sandy - I understand what you are saying and have thought the same but logic and emotion are very different things. I feel that even though what you are saying is correct its actually the resentment and unhappiness that will end the marriage rather than her actually leaving to have more children.

Notangel - That seems a bit harsh to be fair, its not to do with me having more kids than her. I was always clear from the very start of our relationship that I would only be happy to have one more. It's not about not wanting her to have more children its the fact that no matter how hard I try I dont!

I feel like I have portrayed my wife in a bad light, I don't think she is intentionally manipulating me. Its just something she wants so so much.

I'm sympathetic of this to a point, but her unwillingness to acknowledge your agreement is manipulative and devious.

Your wife doesn't sound manipulative to me, she just sounds desperate. I have a lot of sympathy for both of you - awful situation.

No advice just wanted to extend my sympathy and best wishes x

Tough situation - I think it's possible your wife isn't manipulative but she's definitely thinking about her own needs above yours, and if you were very clear that one and done was your mentality over having kids then I think she's been unfair to see how you definitely don't want another but insist on you try anyway.

I'm in a position where my fiancée has two boys - one of which is ours and one of which is my stepson. He's never been completely 'one and done' but since our little boy (10m) was born he's gradually come to the conclusion that he doesn't want anymore. I'd happily have another, but at no point have I made him consider the alternative. He knows how I feel but bringing a child into the world is (or should) be a joint decision and there is no way I would feel comfortable putting our relationship under strain by coercing him to have another, even though I'd have one. I have the same feelings as your wife - my pregnancy was rough and I missed out on a lot of the 'baby bubble' experiences as I was in and out of hospital. I also had PND directly after the birth so didn't enjoy the first 4 months really, which has made me very wistful for another opportunity to do right what I did so wrong. But not at the expense of my fiancées happiness and state of mind - that to me is totally unfair.

I would nip it in the bud now, and there have been some good suggestions up thread. The more you 'please her' so to speak by 'trying' the more she can leverage when you say you don't want to try anymore by making you feel guilty for 'leading her on'. If you continue to give her hope each month, the harder you coming forth and insisting you stop trying will be.

I think you have every right to not want more l children, but she also has every right to feel she needs more before it's too late for her.

I think this is one situation where If you want to hold onto your marriage then one of you will have to compromise, with the risk that there might be resentment in the marriage from then on.

Your daughter is only 3 yet, so that's only 3/4 extra years you will have a dependent child.

Hey Mark180

I am in a similar position to you but I am the woman who wants another baby. My OH and I have two dc 8 & 2 (it took us a long time and a lot of heartache to conceive dd2) we never really discussed how many children we wanted (it wasn't something I thought was necessary, never occurred it would become an issue?) I have said I would like one more child but oh is adamant all of a sudden there will be no more.

Here's where the relevant part to you comes in..... he has not been clear about his wishes, he is happy to dtd but then doesn't complete the transaction iykwim (sorry tmi!) but equally he has not gone for the snip (as discussed previously when he decided he didn't want any more) in your case this is kinda the same, you've said you didn't want more, now you're saying you'll do it for her and have since changed your mind! For a woman in her position this is quite a mind f#