Moving away from cheating husband

[Lesley1980]

My husband has been caught cheating on me again & ive decided to end it. I live 100 miles away from any family & I don't have any support or decent friends where we currently live so I would like to move near my parents & siblings. Would it be too much for my 4 & 2 year old to lose their dad & their home? My 4 year old is very close to her dad & cries to go home to him even if we stay at my parents a few nights. She is sensitive & anxious so I want to make it easy for her but equally I don't want to stay here isolated forever.

My OH also thinks it's unfair to him as the distance will reduce his contact as he won't be able to pop by. I also agree that perhaps every 2nd weekend & holidays aren't really enough & will affect the kids & his relationship.

I've always wanted to move back home but we've been stuck here because of his job. If I moved home I'd have support, company & more job opportunities for the type of work I did before children. I would struggle to pay for childcare though & might not be able to afford to work?

I want to do what's best for the kids & me. We can afford for me to stay in the family home & him get a flat near by. Equally we could afford for me to buy a small 3 bed near my parents & him keep the family home. Or sell the family home & take the cash?

It's too late for him to complain about losing out on family life after serial adultery. I'm very sorry you're going through this, but you need support so I would move closer to your family if I were you. Your husband will have to make a lot more effort to maintain contact with his dcs and it's a tragedy he didn't consider that before undoing his flies

As a person who desperately wanted to move back to my home town and family support when my marriage imploded, but didn't because I felt at the time it was better for the kids to be near their dad, I would advise you to go for it.
I regret not moving massively.
My mental health is much worse for not having gone and financially I am worse off.
The only provision is that you will
Need to make sure the kids still see their dad and facilitate that relationship-which will be harder from that distance.
My kids were older than yours-settled at school and with their friends etc-had they been younger I think we would definitely have moved.

As long as you are a consistent safe loving figure in your children's lives they will survive anything.

Don't give your husband too long before you go. He may well seek legal advice and that's the last thing you want so go soon.

Do not worry about him he did not worry about you or the kids when he was seeing his bit on the side

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2970608-Affair-separation-DH-has-asked-me-to-leave-Do-I-go

That's a recent thread of a mom who cheated on her husband. The overall message given to her was that even though she broke the marriage, she should not leave the kids as it's not in their best interest.

If you were to take that advice of doing what's best for your kids regardless of the status of your marriage, then I think ensuring that their relationship with their dad isn't negatively affected is the best route to take. He's an asshole to you, but not to them.

Mad hatter wasn't that the post where the mother was their main carer and she wanted to leave without her children?

This poster does not and 100 miles is not that far to travel

Well I'm pretty much where your husband will be, if you decide to do this, although you can add another 100 miles each way to that total.

I was the one cheated on; I was a very hands on Dad and we were 50:50 for over three years before she completely about-faced on her promises to never move the kids away. "Family" (haha) Court decided that my relationship didn't mean enough to stop it.

Don't just fuck off that far without talking to your stbxh. Regardless of his cheating on you, he has as much right to an input into his kids life as you do. Perhaps you can both compromise - you move halfway back, for instance, or perhaps he'd agree to move back that way too, if given enough notice.

My relationship with my two dc has been massively affected by their Mum's selfishness. I see them every fortnight but the pick up day is written off (as am I, by the time I've driven it) by the 3.5-4 hour each way journey. Skype and phone calls are not "adequate substitutes" (as the twats calling themselves magistrates put it) for seeing your kids in the flesh, being able to cuddle them, read to them in bed, have them tell you about their day / friends / homework / concerns etc. Try having a conversation remotely with young children and/or teenagers. Then try having that as 70% of your routine contact with them, and knowing your ex is hovering around in the background.

For those saying "he deserves it" about the OP's husband, have a think about this: If you had an EA/actual affair do you think you should have your kids eow? Do you think that would be a fitting punishment for not keeping your knickers on?

Of course you don't, so why the fuck is it fitting for this guy?

When my marriage broke down (my H also cheated), I didn't move back home, although I thought about it.

I think you have a lot to consider OP, so don't do anything in a hurry.

How is your DCs' relationship with their dad? Although he cheated on you, this is between you and him, and doesn't involve the children. Is he a good, reliable, kind and caring father?

Would he consider moving as well?

You might be surprised by who you meet when you're single. Since my divorce I have made entirely new friends locally. You may find that if the children see their dad regularly and have a good relationship with him, you will have free time to take up a new hobby, or go out more, and meet new people. This may change how you view where you currently live.

I think divorcing is enough upheaval in itself, and I would advise letting the dust settle, for all of you, before considering introducing another significant change. So I'd suggest you and kids stay in your home, H moves into his flat, and starts having the DCs on a regular routine.

You can then start to rebuild your life, and have a think about where you want to a be a bit further down the line.

I wouldn’t do that tbh. My ex cheated etc but I would never move OUR son away from him. His behaviour in our relationship is his own burden to live with. Our son should not be punished for his dad's infidelity. Could you maybe move somewhere inbetween?

Please remember: you are not doing this to him or his relationship with his daughter. He broke his vows and broke up the family. You are doing the best you can to rebuild things. He did this, not you.

I think the lady who said give it a bit of time and maybe get divorce out way and let dust settle is the right way to go. See how he is with contact arrangements etc. If he isnt that fussed and doesnt kep it up then you will feel less guilty about moving away. Maybe worth staying in area for 18 months or so and see how it goes and less unsettling for daughter

For those saying "he deserves it" about the OP's husband, have a think about this: Ifyouhad an EA/actual affair do you thinkyoushould have your kids eow? Do you think that would be a fitting punishment for not keeping your knickers on?

Well, actually yes. Cheaters know they are risking a full family life with their children, and they do it anyway. That's a choice they made and if they don't like the consequences of their actions, that's their problem.

That said, while an adult should have to accept the consequences of their actions, it's completely unfair to expect children to lose out on a relationship with a much-loved parent, even if that parent is an ass.

OP, forget about your stbx. He's not your responsibility, your children are.
As you've said, they're close to their dad so you're going to have to find a way that you can move on with your life while also facilitating their continued relationship with him.
I guess the question is which way do you think they'd get the most benefit?
I do know people who make long distance parenting work but it is hard.
I guess you'd need to consider whether the benefits for them of increased contact with your parents and your being happier/more stable in your home town would outweigh the cost for them of potential lower contact with their father and all the additional travel it would entail.

The children's relationship with their father is important and should be maintained, but not at the cost of the mother gaining the support she needs. OP states that she would have better prospects if she moves back to where she comes from, she is only in her current location because of her husband. He knew this before he was caught cheating, more than once, so she's clearly given him at least one second chance.

My own parents split when I was very young and I was moved away from my DF. He would have cried and told everyone how awful my DM was at the time, but couldn't be bothered to make any effort to maintain contact. That was only done by my DM, StM and StF. Although my mother left for another man and DF had the sympathy of everyone, including my mother's family, for being abandoned, he omitted to tell any of them about the other child he fathered with his mistress while married to my DM (while she was carrying me).

TBH I'm glad I was miles away from all that shit.

My husband's job is unpredictable with irregular shifts so he couldn't be counted on to take the kids every Wednesday for example. I couldn't go to evening classes to retrain or rely on him if I were to get a job.

My parents visit here every week & we see my brothers & their kids regularly so my children would Be surrounded by family they love if we moved but I agree that's not the same as having a dad. My parents are in their 70s so I'm not moving for full time childcare but I know if I had a course every week they would look after the kids or my SIL would do it. If I had a job interview or appointment I'd have someone to look after the kids to let me go. Here my husband doesn't take any time off to look after kids so I Don't go to hospital appointments anymore. The eldest loves him because he is fun dad that reads her bed time stories until 10pm, buys her anything she wants & feeds her chocolate 24/7. It's not because he is particularly hands on. I was last out in July 2015 & my parents came to look after the kids because despite him being home he refused to look after the 3 month old baby. He has never put our youngest to bed. He isn't dad of the year.

I have wanted to move back home since 2008 & even when we got engaged it was on the agreement that we would move back near my parents if a job came up. Jobs have come up but he made excuses why they weren't suitable. If he wanted to be near the kids he could move. All the jobs were suitable but he just didn't want to move. He doesn't like change.

Staying here I don't feel I have a future. We live in an expensive city so I can only afford to live in the family house if he pays the mortgage. If I moved near my parents I could atleast afford to support myself eventuall.

Lots to think about. He doesn't really want to discuss it. He is using adult dating apps so it's not even a love affair. When I confronted him he just said yes, told me the reasons why & why it's ok.

He has done this before & I left him 2.5 years ago but I had no support from my family. I told them he had cheated & they assumed it was 1 woman affair instead of multiple partners. I was told I had an obligation to my children to make it work & pretty much sent back to him. I was 6 months pregnant with a 2 year old so although I had enough savings to rent a place for a few months after that I had nothin. I couldn't get benefits as the family home was in my name & I was still married & I could hardly work with a new born.

Since the relationship is done due to his cheating, it sounds like moving back to your family and support network would be in the best interests of you and your DC: you will have help, and you will have more job opportunities.

I certainly wouldn't feel obligated to stay where I am on my own, without family and support and better job opportunities, if I had those things elsewhere! Why should you? If you soon to be Ex doesn't like it, too bad. He's the reason you're now on your own and have to think about what's best for you and the DC. If he wants to see them more, HE can move, too.

I think you should move back. The children are still young, be better to do it sooner rather than later as it'll get harder as the older they get.

Your dd might be unsettled due to your husband's behaviour and the general instability of the relationship. After a settling in period, she'd probably benefit from a stable environment with a good support network around you.

He can move nearer to you and/or make the journey. He's the one that cheated, why shouldn't he be the one who's inconvenienced. You need to build a new life that's right for you as well as your kids. Good luck OP

If those are the circumstances, I would go too.

"Well, actually yes. Cheaters know they are risking a full family life with their children, and they do it anyway. That's a choice they made and if they don't like the consequences of their actions, that's their problem."

Yes, but that pretty much only applies to male cheats, doesn't it, because it's seldom the case that "Mum" gets to feel any consequences whatsoever, unless they're one of the few that are married to a SAHD.

Even then it's very unlikely a court would allow the Dad to bugger off 100 miles away with the DC.

So what actually happens here is Dad cheats and his family life is ruined (fair enough perhaps) and then he also risks losing his kids for anything more than eow. On the other hand, Mum could happily cheat to the same extent, knowing she's very unlikely to only get eow and highly unlikely to risk the kids being moved away.

I have sympathy for you, OP. I've been the one cheated on. But a Skype "relationship" is a soul destroying experience, whether the person it's inflicted on "deserves" it or not (and the kids, let's face it, definitely don't deserve it).

But do I deserve to stay here for his convenience? In 10 years time I'm still struggling because I couldn't retrain & still had to work around the kids & pay for childcare? He can move jobs to be near the kids. Why didn't you move to be near your kids?

No, you don't. You AND your kids will be better off moving where you can retrain and get a better job, have a fulfilling life near family and friends, and be a great parent.

I would move based on all you have written, OP. I wouldn't hesitate. find a place to live, book your course/apprenticeship/retraining/whatever, and go.

OP you certainly should not be trying to make his life easier. You have nothing going you where you are now, either personally or professionally. If you move, he'll just have to deal with it. It's not up to you to accommodate him.

No op you don't deserve to suffer at your dh's convenience, you need to provide the best possible future for you and your dcs. Like you've said, he can just as easily move closer to the kids. You've suffered more than enough now while he has continued to live the selfish life he refuses to give up.

I would move. When my ex cheated I moved with my toddler. Admittedly only half an hour away but it meant my family and friends are on my doorstep. It makes a huge difference. I was sick recently, literally unable to get out of bed, my mum was with me in 5 minutes and able to look after toddler. There's no way ex would have come round to help, he'd never take time off work for stuff like that when we were together let alone separated. You'll need a support network over the coming years.

Why didn't I move?

Bear in mind that we had had several years of 50:50 after she had cheated but she'd already been trying, unsuccessfully, to cut down my access prior to her deciding she'd uproot the DC.

When the sexist twats magistrates put the final Order in place, I was given eow and half holidays. I knew, to a certainty, that she'd never choose to change that. I "may" have been allowed to see them more often, had I moved, but it wasn't likely that she'd let go of the control she'd sought and been given, and she'd certainly never have changed it on paper.

So I'd have moved 200 miles, given up my partner of (at that point) two years, my newish well paid job, my good friends and locally-based family and for no more contact than I have now. Or with the threat of having anything extra she'd deigned to let me have withdrawn whenever she got pissed off.

Both my kids were born here and were doing well at school. What she moved back to was not some tight-knit family set up. The kids are now looked after by other people more often than they're with either of us. That never used to be the case and shouldn't be the case now.

I know some self-righteous tit is now going to jump in and say "oh I'd never be away from my kids." Well my answer to that is - if you're a woman you're very unlikely to ever be forced to. Even fathers that live close to their kids are still shafted, as often as not, with eow and a frigging Wednesday night a week. That's not meaningful contact and not one single one of you would choose that for yourselves or want it imposed on you.

There was a thread on here last week about the ex husband moving away and seeing the kids every other weekend. Op never divulged who left who etc and she had since moved on, remarried and had another child.

In that thread, many pps went on and on about the fact that he should not have moved away. The op wanted advice on contact but it was deemed he was a 'dick' and a 'bad father' because he had moved and pps just couldn't get past this. It does seem like there are double standards on these threads.

Whilst I can see why you want to move, you really need to put the needs of the kids first. If you do decide to ultimately move away then you need to discuss this with your ex and come to a contact agreement that works for everyone, especially the kids. Try to work together for them.