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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I ask if she has been the OW?

45 replies

Tranquiltess · 11/07/2017 08:19

It's something that (possibly) happened in the past, denied by OH, but there are a few definitely suspect details and he has lied to me in the past about things. It's also not the only thing which is in doubt, but I can't prove anything.
The only contact I have would be over FB. We live nowhere near her now. There would be no repercussions on her at all, but I really would like to know for my own sanity. How could I word a message so that I don't sound completely crazy?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 11/07/2017 08:51

You can't.

So don't.

Move on.

Onedaysoooon · 11/07/2017 08:54

You probably would not get the truth out of her anyway. What's the point?

Changedname3456 · 11/07/2017 08:58

What would you do with the information, even assuming she actually told you the truth?

If you're prepared to leave him now, and don't trust him already (you mention previous lies) then what's left of the marriage anyway? You don't need her to confirm what you already feel.

annoyedand · 11/07/2017 08:59

I'm sorry but I would have to ask make it clear to her
That she has nothing to loose and just ask her...

The thing you need to decide though is... what happens if she's says yes? Because if you're not going to leave then what is the point of asking ?!!

And they on the other hand if she says no will up I believe her
And will you drop it and move on??

A lot of this depends on what kind of person you are.

category12 · 11/07/2017 09:02

Is it the worst thing in the world to appear batshit to this woman?
What happens if she ignores you?
Will you actually believe her if she denies it?

Tbh, you don't trust your oh - it's a horrible way to live. Maybe it's time not to live with it any more.

Original poster

Tranquiltess · 11/07/2017 09:32

No proof but suspicion is a horrible thing. If I knew for sure he had done something and had lied over and over, I doubt I would believe other things, with good reason. At least I would know whether I could trust his word (or not) and move on appropriately. Once someone has lied to you about something important and gotten away with it for a long time, you begin to doubt everything else. Possibly mistakenly, but how can you ever tell? In a strange way I almost envy some ppl who find out they've been cheated on, as hard as that may be. At least they know for sure and there's no doubt to drive them crazy anymore.

OP posts:

Spadequeen · 11/07/2017 09:34

What about if she said yes but she was lying?

Original poster

Tranquiltess · 11/07/2017 09:43

What normal person would do something like that?

OP posts:

alicelake · 11/07/2017 09:44

If I were you, I would want to know

user1494187262 · 11/07/2017 09:45

I would ask

Original poster

Tranquiltess · 11/07/2017 09:47

How to word it though, in a calm, non threatening way? Appeal to her as a fellow woman who would want to know about her own DP?

OP posts:

category12 · 11/07/2017 09:53

I think it's very unlikely someone would lie and say "yes they had had an affair" as it's likely to bring negative consequences (particularly a woman, because men's sexuality isn't policed as much as women's)

Far more likely to deny it even if it was true than own up tho, as again negative consequences, even if you claim it's a safe space for her to confess.

I don't think you'll get what you want from asking her, because you won't believe her if she says no, because your trust in your oh is already ruined.

But you don't have much to lose by asking. I texted the ow once, it didn't really give me what I wanted, she was cagey and I was no further forward. Apart from to be asking the question meant he and I were far down a road to the end.

Brahms3rdracket · 11/07/2017 09:55

If she was the ow it's very unlikely she'll respond, unless she is so spiteful she would enjoy revealing their dirty little secret.

How long ago do you think this happened?

Original poster

Tranquiltess · 11/07/2017 10:31

Would have been quite a few years, he's changed jobs and we've since moved out of the area too, which is why there wouldn't be any repercussions on her.
I wonder how many OW out there have been asked the q and replied honestly? category did you know for sure she was the OW before you contacted her, or was it a suspicion? I guess her being cagey told a lot in itself.

OP posts:

Paperdoll16 · 11/07/2017 11:03

I messaged the OW in a non confrontational way. I told her I was desperate to know the truth so I could decide whether to leave and it was important for my children. She told me more than I ever anticipated but in a sensitive and helpful way. I think it helped by saying this has happened to me several times and she probably wanted to help me out. Maybe go down that road..

You're very sorry for contacting her in this manner. You are in a state on desperation and you just need to clarify if this happened so that you can move on with your life. You promise that if she is kind enough to just provide you with those answers you will not contact her again and it will help you massively going forwards with your life..

It's worth a shot. Especially when you can't trust your DH. You'll never really know otherwise.

IGotTheMustardOut · 11/07/2017 11:27

I had an old friends DW message me on Facebook years after they had moved. I had stopped speaking to the man in question shortly after they got together for various reasons, social groups moving in different directions ect..

Anyway ages before they got together this man and myself had been on a couple of dates, there was no spark and nothing ever happened between besides a quick peck. We decided just to be friends.
His DW for years apparently thought we had been DTD when they first got together. This was absolutely not the case and I told her so when she message me on Facebook. She said thank you and that what I said matched what he had told her then blocked me.

Years after this I heard from mutual friends that she never truly believed it and they had broken up.

Whatever this OW says will you believe it? Either way she could be lieing. I don't think any answer you may get will help you feel better.

Clearly you have doubts about your DH's honesty, perhaps work out if you can trust him and can continue the relationship.

category12 · 11/07/2017 11:53

Oh yes I knew it was her. She just said things like "he helped me a lot" and vague soft soaping, not "yeah I shagged him".

He lied and lied and minimised, and it was all her, and he was just a shoulder, and blah blah. I found her Xmas present which was (cheap) lingerie, a chocolate heart and a crappy necklace. So there wasn't much doubt . He still frickin lied tho and said it was for me, apart from the undies which I knew he knew my sizes - he claimed that was for him! Which if you knew him wouldn't be so very unbelievable, but altogether... Nah.

But that was a particularly obvious infidelity on his part. There was several other occasions beforehand where I knew something was wrong, but he just turned it round on me and basically I was losing my mind with it all.

Ebaygum · 11/07/2017 13:12

I think it's a waste of time as she may lie but if you are set on it, I'd ask her to call you or if you could speak on the phone.

I say that because if I had been an OW, I would never put any admission in writing because you'd have no idea where/how it would be used.

If you want the truth you have more chance if you speak to her rather than asking for a written response.

I still think it's a waste of time.

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 11/07/2017 13:18

I'd just tell your husband that you have spoken to OW and she has confessed all and see what he does.

TheNaze73 · 11/07/2017 14:10

I don't think you'd get the truth if you asked. If you did it would be totally minimised.

Spadequeen · 11/07/2017 15:47

Op you asked what normal person would do that (lie and say she did have an affair with your dh when she didn't). How do you know that she is a normal woman? How do you know she's not spiteful, maybe he rejected her and this is her way of getting back at him.

At then end of the day does it really matter? It sounds like your trust has gone and whatever this woman says you are still likely to have issues.

theredjellybean · 11/07/2017 16:16

OP..i think you need to reflect on why you want to do this ? It seems that you want 'proof' he is a liar, and if he lied about this issue then clearly he is lying about other things.

Firstly you cannot be sure that even if he lied about OW he has lied about other things.
Secondly do you need 'proof' if you already have no trust in him that you are fishing around things that happened yrs ago then I am sorry but i think this relationship is beyond repair.

If she says yes i was his ow...then you will have suspicions and doubts about everything in your life and if she says no you will still have same suspicions..she might be lying, he might not have had an affair with her but what about others ?

Rather than look to this woman to validate your suspicions, i would suggest you need to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship whatever has happened in the past.

I was the OW, and did have blank messages sent to my email from my now DPs ex wife after she found out about the affair...for several yrs afterwards infact . I ignored them, at that point i did not want to be involved in their mess, and had nothing to gain or give by responding

Mari50 · 11/07/2017 17:12

I wouldn't respond.
Sleeping dogs and all that.

There is absolutely nothing to be gained by telling the truth except hurting someone- whether that's the man she had the affair with, the wife or both. And as this is MN and the responses to this will be that she didn't care about it when she had the affair so why should she now- distance can make a lot of difference.

Guavaf1sh · 11/07/2017 20:42

Leave it

There is no way to word anything like this without seeming crazy

Lilyrosesunshine · 11/07/2017 20:52

Is there any other way you could look for proof? What details is it you think he lied about?

Old phone bills, credit card statements, emails , trying to subtly find out from a friend of his by acting like you already know etc.

I think if he had done something in the past its more than likely he would have done it again so would there be other signs?

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