Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How do I ask if she has been the OW?

45 replies

Tranquiltess · 11/07/2017 08:19

It's something that (possibly) happened in the past, denied by OH, but there are a few definitely suspect details and he has lied to me in the past about things. It's also not the only thing which is in doubt, but I can't prove anything.
The only contact I have would be over FB. We live nowhere near her now. There would be no repercussions on her at all, but I really would like to know for my own sanity. How could I word a message so that I don't sound completely crazy?

OP posts:

LoveDeathPrizes · 11/07/2017 22:02

Are you looking for a way out? If the answer is no, or she doesnt reply, you'll feel the same - full of doubt and mistrust. If the answer is yes, will you feel a tiny bit relieved?

SandyY2K · 11/07/2017 22:33

Some OW will tell you the truth, others will just ignore and block you.

I've had OW freaking out when the wife contacted them, because they didn't know whether to respond or not.

The overwhelming advice (from other OW), is to ignore /block or revert the wife to her DH.

If she's in a relationship, she'll not want this resurrected and is likely to ignore you.

I don't think you answered what you'd do if she said yes. You aren't ready to end the relationship.... There is no trust ... How long can you carry on like this?

The foundation of a relationship is mutual trust. It seems pointless to keep torturing yourself like this.

Original poster

Tranquiltess · 11/07/2017 23:59

Thanks for your replies.
paperdoll thanks for your experience and suggestions. Sounds like you were 'lucky' in contacting one who replied back with what you needed to know. Hope it helped you move on.
I know he has lied about other things because I have found out. He does a great line in not saying anything until I present the evidence. Then sorry and he wasn't lying, just not giving the answers I wanted. Some things I have no evidence for though. There is noone else to ask about this, phones have been updated and replaced in the meantime, so nothing there. They spent a lot of time together with work (and during time off, when I was working) anyway. It's one particular occasion when he'd had bad news, I came back from work early (unexpectedly) and she was there. Left almost immediately. (She was never actually in the house at the same time as me, sometimes came back to empty coffee cups and fag ends, but I never saw her.) Freshly made bed upstairs. Damn sure there was the classic hair in the bed. The news took precedence over following it up at the time. I can see how he could have done something at the time, bad news, female friend he obv fancied, me not due back for hours, but to know he had lied about it for years would put his future trustworthiness in doubt. He works away a lot, I need to have some trust, which is really wavering.
Depends how he reacted as the what happens - dismissive, resentful and minimising, separation. Coming clean, counselling. I think.

OP posts:

Changedname3456 · 12/07/2017 00:37

But he's not going to come clean is he? At least not based on what you've said of his previous behaviour.

I think the OW thing's a bit of an understandable red herring.

Original poster

Tranquiltess · 12/07/2017 00:49

Nope, not unless I had some kind of evidence.

OP posts:

Paperdoll16 · 12/07/2017 09:36

He's definitely not going to come clean now. As far as he's concerned that was in the past and he's not going to drag it up, especially as you've said he only admits upon irrefutable evidence!

I personally would contact the OW. You actually have pretty good grounds to, with her being in your home and swiftly leaving with a freshly made bed behind!

Although I got answers, lots of them, the specific details have caused me to agonise and haunt myself- not exactly what I wanted in my life but the alternative was to always wonder as no information was volunteered from him after finding out. That is a risk you will take. However, either way it's painful and is likely to continue to cause friction in your relationship.

I think the biggest problem is that you do not have an open and honest DP. If he's not willing to give you those answers then you'll never be accepting of whatever happened. I know all about that and it's not a nice place to be.

greendale17 · 12/07/2017 09:43

I would want to know too

2littlemoos · 12/07/2017 09:51

I would probably ask. I don't care if I come across as crazy.

Very true that she could say nothing happened which may well be true but will you believe her?

Do you have DC together? I think you should end the relationship OP. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in doubt?

If you don't message potential OW, or feel you trust her response if you do and she denies, then I would probably pretend you've contacted her, know everything and goodbye! That's if you plan to leave anyway!

Paranoia and doubt are horrid and poweful feelings OP and you need to decide if you can live with them.

Original poster

Tranquiltess · 12/07/2017 21:35

Damn. I did it, probably do sound crazy, but hopefully she'll be one of the honest ones.

OP posts:

user1494187262 · 12/07/2017 21:36

Good for you!

BitOutOfPractice · 12/07/2017 21:41

So if she says "yes" he'll still deny it - her word against his

If she says "no" you still won't believe her

It's a lose lose situation for you OP. In fact one of the very really possible consequences is that they will be back in contact

elphabathegreenone · 12/07/2017 21:48

Time4cake · 12/07/2017 21:49

Nothing to add but hope you get the answers you need and can move on without this lingering

PacificDogwod · 12/07/2017 21:52

Your problem is your OH, not the potential OW.
You do not trust him, and with good reason it would seem.
Asking her will achieve nothing.
Addressing your relationship issues would be hard, but much more productive.

2littlemoos · 12/07/2017 21:58

I hope her response, if there is one, helps you OP.

2littlemoos · 12/07/2017 21:59

user1494187262 · 12/07/2017 22:10

The OW response may achieve nothing but then it may achieve confirmation.

Original poster

Tranquiltess · 12/07/2017 23:10

Thx time and 2little. pacific I partially agree, but I feel I've addressed everything I can with him, and the answers are largely didn't do anything /can't remember /can't explain that etc. Who wouldn't look for outside corroboration if that was all they were getting? Yes, it may be a 'no', in which case I won't be wondering if I've missed an opportunity for info. If it's a 'yes' at least I know and can deal with things from a position of knowledge rather than ignorance.

elpha If you're placemarking because you've just received a message from a crazy lady, please answer it

OP posts:

user1494187262 · 12/07/2017 23:32

That made me laugh Tranquiltess

I think it was a good idea to message.

MermaidsTears · 15/07/2017 20:30

Something like this would eat away at me until i found the truth

Flip

1 2