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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am i being paranoid? Is something going on?

50 replies

Nainer123 · 10/07/2017 22:52

I'm not sure how to start this or what is going on. My DP has been acting differently over the past month or so. I'll start at the beginning though.
I have always trusted him with out a shadow of a doubt. We are very open and I feel like i can talk to him about anything. We have always been the type of people that would be open if we found someone attractive ECT. We are human and both aware we will and can find other people attractive. I've never felt jealous if when we were together he said look at her or catch him looking at another female ect. I do the same things and considering he's with me why would I feel jealous. I've always felt very secure in our relationship.
Anyway in the middle of my pregnancy (I'm 35 weeks) so around 20 or so weeks, I started to feel really insecure which was weird for me as I havent really felt like this before so I told him, like I say we are open and honest with each other. I told him that it wasn't anything he's been doing dofferently in particular but when I see him glance and another girl or talk about girls from his work or see a girl looking at him (all of which doesnt happen too often but I've been picking up on it more) I feel a bit jealous and insecure but I am fully aware that this is more about how I'm feeling and my self esteem being pregnant. I feel huge and unattractive ECT. He of course was sweet said I've nothing to worry about and felt bad that I've been thinking like that.
Now I feel like he is talking about this one particular girl from his work more often and I know they are friendly but i can't help feel like he's doing it on purpose since I mentioned to him it's been getting to me. I'll ask him like what you up to today and he will say things about going to meet up with other girls ECT and laugh like it's a joke and maybe before I was pregnant I would laugh to and tell him to crack on but now I feel like since I've spoke to him about it he shouldn't be joking about it since I've made it clear its getting to me.
About a week or so ago we were in bed and I couldnt sleep (pregnancy) he mumbled another girls name in his sleep and cuddled up into me. I got really upset and we spoke in the morning he said he doesn't remember dreaming about any other girls and there's no one else ECT. So we spoke and moved passed it. Then 2 days later I found a long black hair in our bed I have light hair no way it was mine. He said he had no idea how it got there or who's it was. I was confused but it was one hair and could have came from anywhere so didn't want to dwell on it. Last night it was half 10 at night and all of a sudden he wanted to go out for a walk. We used to go out on late night walks all the time but I have been really unwell in this pregnancy and not long out of hospital and have been ordered to rest so there is no way I'd be going for a walk. It was random he wanted to go he didn't ask me to come obviously as he knew there no way I'd be able to. He went out at half 10 and came back in at around midnight. He said he went a walk around the local area. It was weird and something he wouldn't normally have done unless we were both going. I don't make a big deal out of it, i mentioned I thought it was strange before he went out but he said he just felt like a walk, so I left it. Then today I went to pick up his phone and he almost fell over himself trying to stop me. We argued about something and he stormed out for about 6 hours. The argument was nothing and we have had way worse but this time he walked out and didn't come back for hours and we haven't really spoken since he got in.
I'm not saying he is cheating I really don t want to believe that but maybe he is losing interest in our relationship? I don't know. I'm not sure if I'm over thinking and being paranoid or if something is going on.

I should mention I've asked if anything is going on and he says no. But somethig has changed, he's acting very different. Hot and cold sometimes he's very loving and affectionate and other times he's so distant it's like we live in different countries.
Is pregnancy making me crazy or am i justified in the way I feel?.

OP posts:
Justhadmyhaircut · 10/07/2017 22:58

It's not looking good op. .

JK1773 · 10/07/2017 23:02

My thoughts too. Something isn't right here

LoveDeathPrizes · 10/07/2017 23:05

If he isn't cheating then he would appear to be going out of his way to make it look like he is because he knows you feel insecure. Neither are great.

Nainer123 · 10/07/2017 23:19

Thanks for your replies. I feel like I've been driving myself crazy thinking I've been overreacting.

OP posts:
thegirlupnorth · 10/07/2017 23:25

Long dark hair
Late night walks
Not wanting you to see his phone

All points to him being up to no good!

user1494187262 · 10/07/2017 23:30

I would follow him if he goes out again

Ceebs85 · 10/07/2017 23:31

It doesn't sound like you're over reacting at all OP. I'm 35 weeks too. Pregnant or not, it needs addressing. If it's innocent he should be doing whatever he can to reassure you so showing you his phone etc but I'd be worried he'd try to blame your hormones and just tell you you're paranoid.

Nainer123 · 10/07/2017 23:34

That's how I feel. Even if nothing is going on surely it's bad enough he isn't being more supportive and making me feel more secure. I don't think it's expecting too much. Then again my mind has been going into overdrive and I don't want to bring it up with anyone else as I'm quite a private person.

OP posts:
Luckylin1405 · 11/07/2017 00:00

I would be trying to find out a bit more about the long dark hair and where he disappeared to for 6 hours.
I didn't ask enough questions and my husband left 4 months ago and moved in with OW who had been in the background for months so it appears.

PollyGasson24 · 11/07/2017 00:30

Yep, if he's been anywhere telling during that 6 hour period you'll maybe have more of an answer. I'm assuming he took his phone with him- can you find out through google maps location history or something? At least it will give you something to ask about to see if he's honest. Doesn't sound good though, and I know from painful experience that just because they're the last person you'd expect it from it doesn't mean they won't do something.

user1494187262 · 11/07/2017 00:34

Do you have access to his phone?

Nainer123 · 11/07/2017 00:40

I really don't know how I feel about goig through his phone, makes me feel quite uncomfortable. He's in the living room right now, we still haven't spoken since he came in, I suppose if he comes to bed then I could look a t his phone or ask him outright to look at his phone, then I'm not sneaking and I'll be able to see his reaction and if he lets me? I just dont know.

OP posts:
PollyGasson24 · 11/07/2017 01:25

Your call. I'd just say that it's depressing how easily (and well) ppl lie when they want to hide something. So don't rely on his word alone for any reason. If you're wrong, he might be offended, but should prefer to put your mind at ease, once he's aware of how dodgy things look.

WickedLazy · 11/07/2017 03:45

He wouldn't know about a surprise baby shower for you? Messages on fb messenger or whatever? But that wouldn't account for the 6 hour disappearing act.

From previous experience, give it a while before looking at his phone. You have to lull them into a false sense of security, or they just delete everything.

Nainer123 · 11/07/2017 03:54

No, no surprise baby shower ect. Still no idea where he was. He came to bed around 3ish, ended up waking me up. I'm now say sat in the livingroom with a cup of tea. Feeling quite confused and stressed.

OP posts:
user1486956786 · 11/07/2017 04:20

At first I thought hormones but the more I read on the main alarm bells for me from your post. is the late night walk alone and leaving for 6 hours after one fight.

I'm not going to be one of those posters who say he is cheating on you, what do I know. But those two points in particular would have me thinking too.

I don't even know what to suggest. I imagine if he had something to hide on his phone all would be deleted by now? Aside from following him next time he leaves or tracking his phone (all ridiculous although I would totally do it if I was genuinely very sure something was not right so no judgement from here).

Other perspective - Do you think you've been different recently? Just trying to think of other reasons he may be leaving (not to cheat on you but just needing more space).

Beelzebop · 11/07/2017 04:30

I agree with user above. Has he got an android or iPhone?

user1494187262 · 11/07/2017 04:37

There are lots of things you can check a phone that he wouldn't have thought to delete.

MrsOverTheRoad · 11/07/2017 04:44

Can you get hold of his phone OP? That's what I'd be concentrating on...

Nainer123 · 11/07/2017 05:23

Things have been different lately. I'm heavily pregnant though so I am relying on him a bit more to help out ect but I don't think I'm being unreasonable. But it was like he caused that argument yesterday to have an excuse to walk out. Like i said it was something over nothing and he stormed out, I was really confused.
I suppose I could get his phone although it makes me feel really uncomfortable because like I said we have always been very upfront so I've never been the type of person to feel like I need to, although he is being shady lately.

OP posts:
MrsChopper · 11/07/2017 05:57

like I said we have always been very upfront

In that case, confront him and ask to look through his phone. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

Nainer123 · 11/07/2017 06:03

MrsChopper yeah I've been thinking that's more like the route I'll go. Then I'll know for sure from him if he's hiding something.

OP posts:
PollyGasson24 · 11/07/2017 06:30

In that case, confront him and ask to look through his phone. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Not if he already cleared it off. What are you going to look for? There won't be any incriminating messages, apps or pictures on there by now, unless he's a complete idiot.

TheStoic · 11/07/2017 06:40

Don't ask for it. He'll just become defensive and say that if you trusted him, you wouldn't need to look at his phone.

Onecutefox · 11/07/2017 06:57

Maybe he isn't telling you everything not to upset you because you're pregnant. I would try and browse his phone as otherwise he wilk deny everything. There's nothing wrong with it if you have grounds to do it.

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