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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Before you found out your partner cheated..

33 replies

Iamok0303 · 10/07/2017 19:23

Did he tell you he loved you? that you meant the world to him? That he would never jeopardise the relationship for another woman? What was he like on day to day basis towards you? Was there ever a time you felt, in your gut, something wasn't right?

OP posts:

StupidSlimyGit · 10/07/2017 19:26

He told me days before I found out that he had never loved anyone as much as he loved me. We went on a weekend away together and left DD with my mom. We had had problems in the past, but I thought everything was sorted and we were happy with our little family.
Are you ok OP?

JustArandomUser · 10/07/2017 19:27

Perhaps she didn't quite lay it on that thick, but yes the lies she told to cover up/carry on with the deception really were quite something.

dailymailarecunts · 10/07/2017 19:33

Yup, another one here - everything was exactly as if always had been. He loved me, we were trying for a baby and he couldn't wait to be a dad, he missed me etc. I was physically sick and couldn't stop shaking when I found out through pure shock. Horrific. Worst part now is that I don't trust myself - if I was that far off the mark once, then I can't really rely on any of my gut feelings. And I say this 6 years on, and very happy now, but it does change you.

Mari50 · 10/07/2017 19:58

Absolutely.
Then he walked out a month after meeting ow and that was it.
We had been on holiday and he went a bit weird when we came back and I just couldn't work out what the problem was until he texted me one night to say he was staying out with his mate and would be back in the morning and at that point I realised he was having an affair. Up until that point I had no clue. Not one iota.

Bumshkawahwah · 10/07/2017 20:15

No, things were very much different and I had no idea why. He stopped saying he loved me, was distant and cold. I asked for months for him to tell me what was wrong, what was going on - what had changed, but he made out it was me who had the problem. My gut told me something was very, very wrong.

tomatoplantproject · 10/07/2017 20:32

He said all the right things but the affection had gone, and things just felt weird. He also picked a few fights out of nothing which had me seriously confused and on the wrong foot at the time.

In hindsight it makes perfect sense that he was having an affair, and at one point it hit me that he was cheating (took another 4 or 5 months before I had the opportunity to snoop on his phone to get the truth).

TheNaze73 · 10/07/2017 20:49

I'm always suspicious of people that talk "love". Talk is really cheap & I believe the daily doing & giving is far more of an indicator of true love rather than schmaltzy nonsense that I read about all the time on here that has been fed to the poor people that have been cheated on. The cheaters truly have no shame and will say anything to metaphorically pat people on the head.

Anyone can say what you want to hear, blow smoke up each other's arses to their hearts content but, I really think the little and often gestures are the deal clinchers.

PilchardsonToast · 10/07/2017 20:55

My DH told me he loved me just a few days before he left, we'd also just been on holiday had a great time albeit a little bit strange at times and a romantic weekend just the two of us a few weeks earlier. I feel now very much the same as a previous poster that I can no longer trust my gut instinct.

DH and I are trying to make a go of things as three weeks after he left he realised that he'd Made a big mistake. It's a long journey and pretty difficult but hopefully we'll get there.

Is everything ok OP?

Paperdoll16 · 10/07/2017 21:00

That's what makes them so capable of cheating. All the 'I love you 's, 'you're the best thing' 'i never want anyone else' whilst telling another woman similar things.

My DH texted me that I was the 'best wife' only a few hours before texting his bit on the side that he 'missed talking to her' as they hadn't spoken for a few days. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore.

That's what happens when they break the trust in the relationship.

notarehearsal · 10/07/2017 21:02

He was distant and sort of distracted but still said the I love you's. On the night he disclosed he picked a fight about him wanting to use the washing machine when I wanted to use it, the fight blew up and was very out of character. I had not had one inkling until that moment and it suddenly became clear as day

yetmorecrap · 10/07/2017 21:12

Certainly had a few months of saying strange things like 'how about separate houses for a bit (we were married) due to stress of business, suddenly got his musical gear all set up , started dieting and very appearance obsessed but his behaviour to me relatively untouched apart from 'popping over the road a lot' where his infatuation lived with her mum and siblings

dailydance · 10/07/2017 21:17

No, he started to abuse me when he started to cheat. He's now living with her and she's pregnant. Part of me feels sorry for her as he cheated in his previous relationships, part of me thinks tough shit because she knew about me.

dailydance · 10/07/2017 21:19

(I do not think she deserves it if he does it to her. I tried to warn her but I was probably painted as the psycho ex)

Original poster

Iamok0303 · 10/07/2017 21:29

Thank you guys. I truly want to believe the good in people and specially when I am being told those things. I feel like I have turned into an over sensitive insecure woman. A shadow of myself. Can your gut be wrong? Why do I feel like he is up to no good when he tells me all the right things. Perhaps because our argument style is not to my liking, or am I just hard work. All I know is that I feel incredibly low

OP posts:

dailydance · 10/07/2017 21:34

Maybe you are being over-sensitive, maybe you are not. Only you and your partner know your relationship. My only advice is to sit back and put some thought into why your gut is telling you something and what it's telling you.

dailydance · 10/07/2017 21:35

What's caused you to feel insecure?

MartinaMartini · 10/07/2017 21:41

Maybe you just want to believe what he's telling you? Often sucking up the lies is more appealing than facing the unpleasant truth.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 10/07/2017 21:49

Yes, normal. I don't trust gut feelings because I have ASD, so my 'gut' can be off. XH was taking me out for dinner, doing stuff on the house with me, we were seeing our friends etc. He had got a bit weird about diet and exercise and grew a stupid beard though. He went on a school trip and when he came back, he said we were done and off he went with the OW, who he had 'shopped' for, to provide him with children and a compliant, suburban wife. Lying sack of shit. He told so many lies he was making himself ill. I am so much better off now!

grungeneverdied · 10/07/2017 21:49

There's a fine line between a gut feeling and a paranoid worry based on fear of losing the person. The trick is deciding which it is.

Original poster

Iamok0303 · 10/07/2017 21:50

He cheated on his ex wife in the past. He keeps telling me that he was unhappy, overwhelmed with responsibility of five kids and this younger woman at work popped up. He says it ruind his life, how he lost the respect of his family, lost his job, the affair lasted a year, he then left his wife for ow. I have been cheated on in the past. I knew back then something was off, could not put my finger on it. I love my partner. He is amazing in so many ways. I just wish he had never disclosed this information to me as the way I feel now, 18 months into the relationship, is dreadful. I feel I am trying very hard not to entertain the fact he might do this to me. He does say he would never treat me that way. Our argument style, however, indicates differently

OP posts:

RortyCrankle · 10/07/2017 21:53

I had one of those. He expressed his undying love for me and a week later decided to dump me and go back to Ireland and his wife and six children about whom I knew nothing. The bastard broke my heart.

I hope things work out for you OP.

Angeldt · 10/07/2017 21:54

My friends partner worked away Mon - Fri staying at his mothers. He would come home and just be a normally behaved partner / Dad doing the usual family stuff. Then when he came home he was more loving/horny and enthusiastic with it as well. After that he started buying cds (it was a couple of years ago) of people who he'd never shown an interest in and would spend hours with headphones on. Then came the new clothes, aftershave etc. It became obvious to her that something was going on.

perhapstomorrow · 10/07/2017 21:54

In the first 6 months of his affair there were some points where my DH was cold and distant but on the whole I thought everything was fine. Put it down to pressure of new baby. A month before I found out, he stopped saying "I love you". Would blame me for things, was cold and uncaring. When I finally confronted him I had the usual line of "I love you but I am not in love with you ".

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 10/07/2017 21:55

No, he was distant & constantly attached to his phone.

I knew something was amiss but never imagined he would ever actually be low enough to cheat on me.

TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 10/07/2017 21:56

Things were different..... I felt in my bones something was very wrong and strongly suspected OW but could never QUITE pin it to him.... then we were out at a ball with a group of our closest friends. I was dressed up to the nines, had lost almost a stone through worry and he looked into my eyes, held my hand, told me how beautiful I looked, how unbelievably lucky he was and that he he loved me and I should never, ever have doubted him. Then went to the toilet.

After 5 minutes I started to feel suspicious so went to the mens' and caught him red handed texting his lover.

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