Before you found out your partner cheated..

[Iamok0303]

Did he tell you he loved you? that you meant the world to him? That he would never jeopardise the relationship for another woman? What was he like on day to day basis towards you? Was there ever a time you felt, in your gut, something wasn't right?

He says he learnt a massive lesson from his affair. That when his relationship to ow ended he felt even worsh because he had nothing to show for it, and lost everything. I am the most indipendent person, have faith in my own abilities, but I am a wreck now. I so want to believe him as he claimed all he wants is our future. To grow old together.

Try to gather evidence, ideally bank statements or messages. Once you have thst, or if nothing but your gut says something is there, ask him outright when he's tired and relaxed. Be direct with eye contact.

I had no proof and most of me thought I was imagining it. We had just eaten a takeaway on a normal weekend eve. Shocking him got a more honest response than showing slower suspicion probably would have.

Words are easy. Anyone can bullshit

A number of people on here have mentioned gut instinct....I have learned that it is not to be underestimated, it is there for a reason and it serves you well to listen to it.

My ex had a 'tell' when he lied. It took me ages to work out that that is what it was. If asked a direct question that he then answered with a lie his eye did a sort of tiny squint thing while one of his shoulders raised an almost imperceptible amount.

Mine gave me a Valentine's card that said 'You'll never know how much I love you' believing I'd think 'how lovely'. Transparent as glass.
That was my cue to check his computer for hidden files where he had photographed himself using prostitutes, had lengthy What's App texts etc.
When confronted he said it was my fault for not trusting him (if I had, I would never have known as in 13yrs I'd never looked at his stuff).
It taught me two things;

1. Actions, not words, are the measure of real love.
2. I deserve to be happy (he was as dull/boring/selfish to live with as he sounds) but I felt I had to be nice to him, I needed a reason to ditch him.

Happy ending though - I'm now really happy with someone lovely. He loves me with his actions, not his words.

My ExH cheated on me four months into our marriage, but I knew nothing about it as I was rather distracted being treated for a chronic condition in hospital. He then confessed, because he couldn't live with the guilt and promised to never do it again. I took him back, partly because I thought it was my fault for daring to be ill. He then fell into a pattern over the coming years of having affairs, confessing to me but changing the reasons why he did it. These reasons were always my fault. I was fat, I was dowdy, I was too demanding of him with the kids, I was shrill, and finally, the best one after all that, I was too preoccupied with the degree I was doing to get back into workforce and make a bigger financial contribution to family finances and he felt neglected.

Did I know he was cheating? In the early days, not explicitly, but was aware things weren't quite right, but always thought it was my fault anyway and pleased he didn't leave me. Pathetic eh? The final affair came when I was at Uni and my reaction was totally different. I found evidence, called him out on it and made him admit this was totally unacceptable. Even so, I still stayed as I didn't want my DDs 'to come from a broken home'.

I finally found the courage to send him packing when, having found a backbone I started to call out his other EA behaviours, he then started to pick on my then 14yo DD. Finding myself standing between him and her to stop him knocking her block off caused the scales to fall from my eyes at last.

I had finally realised that staying 'for the sake of the children' was doing my 2 DDs no good as I was teaching them to be complicit in his abuse. I didn't want that for my DDs.

I started divorce proceedings and have never looked back. No regrets apart from one that I should have left years before.

Lol mine kept calling me baby and babes..
I was going through a family crisis and thought bless him but as the oh baby it'll be fine and the baby dont worry I began thinking hang on 20 years and youve never ever called me those. Gut feeling kicked in...checked his email and BOOM ther it was messages to from OW. Always always go with your gut...it's ALWAYS right

We were still living together, going out and having fun together etc. No arguments that stick in my mind. After the fact he tried to say we'd been going through a horrendously rough patch (news to me). Further down the line, he said he'd thought 'the grass would be greener', whatever that means. But it doesn't tally to me with going through a bad patch.
If he's cheated before I truly believe he's the kind of person who could be in the position to do it again. Try and get to the bottom of what's making you suspicious.