Can I walk away from this without prompting him to kill himself?

[theabysswithin]

Need some help with this... my ex and I separated two years ago at my instigation for a variety of reasons (verbal and financial abuse/alcohol dependency/inability or unwillingness to participate in family life and refusal to contribute financially being the most significant).

My ex has always been prone to bouts of depression and over the past month or so has been seriously depressed and has been threatening suicide over a variety of issues (financial problems and loneliness being the main ones.

We didn't exactly separate amicably but we've maintained a reasonably cordial relationship in front of our daughter almost too cordial in that I feel he is over-dependent on me emotionally and still asks me to do quite a lot of life admin for him and we spend a reasonable amount of time together. I've tried to draw back from this as I have totally moved on, but as his depression has deepened I've become worried about him and I am basically the only person he can talk to about it.

The flip side of this is he is quite controlling and makes it really hard for me to have any kind of social life by withholding childcare, things like going off the radar when we have arranged for him to be looking after my daughter, not returning phone calls to confirm appointments and being so late he renders it impossible for me to go out. He has refused any formal contact agreements at all and every time I try discuss these he shuts me down and says he is going to run away etc. No financial support from him at all aside from him buying the odd item of clothing for our daughter.

Last week he said he wanted to kill himself, I came with him to an appointment with a therapist and generally supported him around interactions with doctors and helped him get his act together around work. All seemed to be going well and then tonight following an extremely petty disagreement he has just rung me to tell me he will kill himself tonight. I promptly called an ambulance and the police (who I presume are with him now).

I know these are bullying tactics and that he is probably bluffing. I am absolutely sick of being the backstop for everything in his life and being abused into the bargain when I try to regain some degree of control by going out occasionally, having my work disrupted by having to look after him etc. But the bottom line is that for my daughter's sake, I can't just stand by and watch him die.

How do I get out of this loop? We are going through mediation at the moment and even though I'm probably going to have to shell out to get him out of my life I'm happy to do this. But for her sake, I can't let him destroy himself and I couldn't live with the guilt if he did.

Am I basically stuck with this for the rest of my life?

I will PM you xx

Bah, can't work out how to do it on the app.

For now I will say that it is absolutely your partner's responsibility to look after their mental health - and not yours.

Sorry, meant ex-p.

It comes across that you think that you can stop him from killing himself. That's what he wants you to believe. The truith is that he will kill himself or not, it will not be your fault.

Run for the hills, block him completely and permanently out of your life, and never look back. He is a master manipulator and is making you his emotional hostage. His mental health/crazy gaslighter issues are not your problem. He's toxic, end of story.

abyss you are clearly made of tough stuff. It is easy to give good advice from a key board, it is totally different when you are living in it.

You have made good decisions. You have ended the relationship, you have prioritised your daughter and wanted her to have a relationship with her father. All pretty sensible. Unfortunately, your ex cannot do the same. He may or may not harm himself, but he definitely will harm you and your daughter. Your perfectly reasonable plan A is never going to work. Time for plan B. More tough choices, but you have done it before and you will do it again. Detach detach detach.

What an awful predicament but It could do him a favour to cut him off and make him stand on his own two feet

He appears to have learnt that this is the only way he can continue to control and manipulate you. These are his decisions, not yours to live with

If he's with the authorities/hospital, let them take over

You've done amazing this far but it's escalating rather than working - time for a different route for your life

Thanks everyone, he is now in hospital. Do I just leave him to it? I guess I should, but its hard to leave someone totally alone after what may or may not have been a suicide bid...

Does he have any family? Doesn't matter if they are estranged. Find them, tell them make it clear you are not taking responsibility for him. If not, you might want to contact the team in charge of his care, inform them you are not part of the care package so they can plan appropriately.
You are doing the right thing for you and your daughter.

For the moment I would say yes. He needs to solve this one on his own otherwise you will always be his go to person (and from my experience totally on his terms).
It is incredibly tough to 'detach with love' but your responsibility is to your daughter and giving her stable consistent parenting is key now.
I've lived it and it is hard but you need to accept that in finishing your relationship you ended your responsibility for him.
It's your job to look after yourself and your daughter. He needs to sort himself out - you can't do that for him.

Absolutely you leave him alone. His actions are not on you. He's controlling you every time he sees you go prevent you from moving on with your life.

You are not responsible for him. Do not go to the hospital.

If this was a real attempt a care plan will be organised without your involvement. If it was a bluff, he will know that it doesn't work and that you can no longer be controlled by him

You are not responsible for either his emotional wellbeing or for his physical safety. He is in hospital at the moment so he is safe. He can't be discharged from hospital without the hospital being confident that he would not be a danger to himself - so it might be a good idea to let the hospital know that you are not to be considered a part of any post-discharge care and support plan.

Him losing his flat and his job is not your problem. Do not get involved.

If he can get it together enough that he is capable of resuming contact visits with your dd - switch to asking for email-only for making arrangements to avoid unnecessary emotional scenes which are not good for any of you. Make it clear that any emails containing emotionally manipulative diatribe will be deleted so if he wishes to make arrangements for contact he should keep such emails brief, factual and polite.

Obviously do not consider for a moment allowing contact visits to take place in your home.

Any contact with your daughter that he has without you present would have to be supervised visits if he's suicidal.
But why you would want him around your daughter if he's like this is beyond me.
Hes not your responsibility andvhekl use you forever if you don't stop contact.

Yes. Leave him. You must stop allowing him to manipulate you and if he is suicidal then you can't do anything to help him anyway. If he's in hospital that's the best place he can be.

And he will

...but is he in hospital?

I had an ex that had numerous mental health issues and continually threatened suicide as a way to manipulate me. I felt responsible to start with, then realised that actually, you cannot set yourself on fire to keep others warm, and I was not responsible for his happiness. I broke up with him.

He claimed to have taken an overdose and that he was hospitalised. I got his family to check with the hospital - he wasn't there.

After continuous texts, calls and me blocking his number, I would occasionally get voicemails saying he had x condition and was unwell/dying etc etc trying to invoke sympathy. I changed my number and have not looked back.

You, and your daughter, do not need this man in your life. He will commit suicide or not, regardless of whether you are contactable. You cannot control the decisions he makes, and he should not be able to control you with threats.

bumdishcloths I was told by the police last night that ambulance crew were taking him to hospital so unless they are in on the act I'm sure he's there, yes. Unless he's at the police station and bullshitting about that. But the policeman I spoke to last night said it was clear his mental state was not good and hospital was the best place for him. When I spoke to him at 5.30am it sounded as if he had been sedated.

abyss do you think you can make that your last call to him? Does he have any family you can hand over the reigns to?

This is one of the things that abusive people do - they prey on your nice, decent person nature by making themselves dependent on you knowing that you won't abandon them.

You can let go of this responsibility, because he is the one creating it. This is not a normal situation. He's manipulating your natural drive for empathy and sympathy to his own ends. He might well be very sick - but that doesn't mean that he gets to drag you down with him (and your DD as well).

You do leave him. You focus all that energy and effort on showing your daughter that you cannot be responsible for other people, and she will be safer and more likely to live a balanced stable life herself for it. You truly can't stop someone from committing suicide if they really want to.

It may be worth contacting AA as thry do support for families of alcholics. He won't be the first to pull this stunt or the last -
and even with MH issues, it's a despicable thing to do.
Either way:
You did not cause this
You cannot cure it
You cannot control it.

You have done your absolute best to offer your DD a normal relationship, but he cannot hold up his end of the bargain. As others have said, distance yourself, get an access order in place and correspond by email. Chances are, he will sporadically contact you and then drop out of her life completely - heartbreaking, but maybe the healthiest thing to happen.

You are not the bad guy here. Just by breaking up, you put DD first and continued to give her the stability and happiness she needs.

Do not go to him in hospital!

You are a bad influence on his mental health. Your relationship is part of the problem. Step away. Cut it off properly.

You want to believe you can save him despite all the evidence to the contrary. I mean, you spoke to him at the hospital! Really, come on, that was all about your own feelings, not about him.

Seriously, have a word with yourself and leave the man to sort himself out with professionals. Don't keep him enmeshed in your unhealthy dynamic.

Give him a space clear of you and your daughter for him to stand some chance of getting himself sorted out.

Rabbit I called to ascertain whether he had made it to hospital or not. That was nothing to do with "my own feelings" it was my trying to determine whether he was alive or dead, in part because if he wasn't in hospital I believe he's a risk to mine and my daughter's wellbeing.

I know you're trying to shock me into realising I have to make the break. You've made your point loud and clear and I've acknowledged that you're right. Now it feels as if you're just hammering away at me when I'm down, to be honest.

I'm quite happy to be told home truths, but not for someone who doesn't know me from Adam to jump to a series of conclusions about how weak and self-centred I am and to continue to attack me with this when I've made it clear that I accept you are right.