Can you sleep while your baby cries?

[Capetown2014]

Just wanted to see what other Mums say about this.

Last night my 3 month old was crying after bringing back most of his feed and husband said 'you go to bed, I can deal with this'. Which is very nice, but how can I disappear and go off to bed while my little one is crying? He expects me to completely disengage like I don't care.

This escalated into an argument because I hung around for a while and he said 'what's the point of both of us staying up, one of us should go to bed'. So in the end it was me who stayed up with little one and he went off bed.

I just don't get how he expects me to be so cold hearted and detached. What kind of a mother can lie in bed and go to sleep while her baby is crying it's eyes out?? He doesn't seem to get how it is only natural for me to want to be there.

Also he never listens to what I say about holding him upright when he cries. It's like the hours I spend with him day after day mean nothing and he knows it all already.

No I wouldn't go to bed if my baby was crying, but then equally dp wouldn't tell me to go to bed if the baby was crying. He'd just hand the baby back to me.

You're a new Mum so obviously feeling sensitive, emotional and I'm sure you're exhausted.

I think though that he's really just trying to step up and help, and you need to try and let him, otherwise he'll end up not going anything as he'll be worried you'll tell him he's doing it wrong.

If the baby's not unwell, has been fed and has a clean nappy, then it really doesn't make you a bad Mum to leave him to it x

Well to be fair my dh was just as capable of dealing with any of our babies when they were crying as I was and at times probably a bit better as he was less anxious and stressed than me and I think they picked up on his calmness and often settled better with him than me. But no I wouldn't be able to actually sleep but I would let him try and soothe and settle them, yes.

I wouldn't be able to sleep through it, no, but there's no reason your dh shouldn't be the one who is up and actually dealing with it.

My dh hovering around behind me while I sorted out dd would really annoy me, so I don't do it to him either.

This is said kindly, I know it's hard, especially when you think dh is doing something 'wrong', but it's his child too and you need to let him figure it out himself to an extent as long as there's no danger etc.

Yes, if my husband is dealing with either of our DCs, I trust him to deal with the problem and I go to sleep.

He won't deal with it the way I would, but he is an equal partner and parent and can find his own way to deal with them.

That doesn't make me cold hearted or detached. In fact the ability to sleep when it's possible makes me a better parent after 3 years of constant sleep deprivation.

Is baby your first? I say that because I did this and now DS is 7 months and will only settled for me when upset. I made a mistake always wanting to take over and make sure the baby was ok. If your DH is generally a good man, then im sorry but he's probably right. He's Dad, he's important too and will find his own way of settling baby in time. Trust me you'll be glad of this in 6 months time when you just want a bath in peace.

I totally totally understand how you feel but let your DH help, he must feel quite undermined having you hover around (you don't have to actually sleep, it's more a case of showing you trust him)

Yes I would and do, DP is capable of settling DD, sometimes better than me.

He also holds her lying down whereas I hold her upright against my shoulder. Works for him.

I get what everyone is saying and I do go out and leave little one with my husband. My husband is a good man and I am very grateful that he helps.

It's just that he never listens to anything that I have learned through hard experience - like when the baby has wind and it won't come up straight away- and if baby is bringing up feed then to hold upright. He also does stuff that I HATE like holding him in sluvenly positions to feed baby and having pens in his top pocket of shirt while holding him.

It's the little things like noticing when baby has nappy rash and needs cream. He wouldn't put any on if I did not point out the rash to him.

I know this all sounds a bit petty but it all contributes towards me wanting to intervene.

I so so often wished my DH would do just that, but he was a handing baby back kind of parent and had really short patience in the night.

It might be hard to actually sleep but be grateful your partner is willing, and try to make your rest a priority. Baby will be glad to have a slightly better rested mum the next day.

Well he has a point, there isn't any point both of you being up if you don't need to be. That isn't being cold hearted. Also, you don't want your baby being reliant only on you for settling as that won't help you in the long term. He isn't 'helping', he's parenting, same as you, even if you don't think he's doing things right. But arguing about it in the middle of the night when you're both tired isn't the right time. If you're hovering in the background telling him what to do I can see how that can be annoying.

I don't get up if my DH is up with the dc, unless they want me or he calls me.

I totally totally get it, I do. I felt exactly the same and my DH is the same but what I've learnt is that they do eventually figure it out - they just don't like to be told

Yes I do, DH likes dealing with the dc at night and I love my sleep so I just roll over and let him get on with it. Often I don't even hear them and haven't even realised they were up during the night. I'm not cold hearted, I just like my sleep and I know my DH can deal with the dc as well I as I can.

I get what everyone is saying and I do go out and leave little one with my husband. My husband is a good man and I am very grateful that he helps.

You are grateful he helps? 🤔

He isn't 'helping you'.

He is taking care of his child. His child he will never be able to learn to take care of properly if you don't let him get on with it.

Unless the dc needs you for breast milk, then yes, go to bed. How absolutely useless he must have felt trying to take care of the baby while exhausted so you could micromanage.

I'd have definitely gone back to bed in his situation.

In ten years time when you've not slept for years and you have two or three kids that only want you to deal with them you will regret this

Absolutely i would go back to sleep. There is no point in both being awake at all.

I trust dh to look after our kids. Just like he trusts me. I didnt have any experience before i had dd. I figured it out. No reason dh cant find a way to make it work for both him and the kids, just like i did.

Oh and going back to bed and lettong your dh be a parent is not heartless.

what do you mean about 'sluvenly' positions op?

you do seem to not be letting your dh help much, but equally, I absolutely can't sleep if ds is crying. He's only 2 weeks though....

Op you learned from your time and he will learn from his time. He might do things differently but it won't be wrong.

Oh you learn to disengage, after 2 dc and a lot of sleepless nights, as long as your children are being well looked after you scarper. What sort of parent leaves a crying baby? Any parent in need of a rest that knows the baby/child is being well cared for by someone else.

Try and be kind to each other, most of the arguments we have when tired are pointless and distressing.

Let him do it. I wouldn't expect to sleep much, no, but at least you could lie down and get a break.

He's willing to take over from you, so stop yourself from hovering, correcting and interfering. Go into another room, take the break he's giving you. Your methods might be better, but he'll manage his own way.

I don't micromanage actually Bunlicker. Read the post properly. I do go out and leave LO with my husband. Sometimes for the whole day. So quit with the aggression. It's really put me off posting again, I won't bother next time.

And yes, 'helping' is the wrong term, of course I mean he is parenting too, for heaven's sake why jump down someone's throat just for a slip of the tongue.

Thanks you to all the constructive posters.

I can definatly sleep through it.
When both mine were new born I would wake seconds before they did for a feed. If it was dh's turn i would eventually be able to go back to sleep.
When they started sleeping through dh used to have to wake me (if he was in work the next day) to go put the dummies back in. I don't hear a thing now and dh has given up waking me. We swapped sides of the bed and he just does it himself.

You can leave your baby with your dh and still micromanage when you are there.

I dont think you want to hear that yiu could be a tiny bit wrong. But i woild not want dh standing over me or close by while i was dealing with an upset baby.

You found your own way with the baby, he will too. He obviously has if yiu go out for the day. They are fine then, they would have been fine last night.

Yes I can go back to sleep with her crying as long as I know DP has her. He is capable of comforting his own daughter and I'm a perfectly good mother, thank you very much.