Can you sleep while your baby cries?

[Capetown2014]

Just wanted to see what other Mums say about this.

Last night my 3 month old was crying after bringing back most of his feed and husband said 'you go to bed, I can deal with this'. Which is very nice, but how can I disappear and go off to bed while my little one is crying? He expects me to completely disengage like I don't care.

This escalated into an argument because I hung around for a while and he said 'what's the point of both of us staying up, one of us should go to bed'. So in the end it was me who stayed up with little one and he went off bed.

I just don't get how he expects me to be so cold hearted and detached. What kind of a mother can lie in bed and go to sleep while her baby is crying it's eyes out?? He doesn't seem to get how it is only natural for me to want to be there.

Also he never listens to what I say about holding him upright when he cries. It's like the hours I spend with him day after day mean nothing and he knows it all already.

I don't micromanage actually Bunlicker. Read the post properly. I do go out and leave LO with my husband. Sometimes for the whole day. So quit with the aggression. It's really put me off posting again, I won't bother next time.

Telling an adult who has been a parent exactly as long as you (all of three months) how to hold his own damn baby is infantilising and micromanaging. Constructive criticism doesn't just mean agreeing with you.

Do you think the baby never cries when you leave it all day? Of course it does. And he handles it. And you've disengaged. Same thing.

he never listens to anything that I have learned through hard experience

If I told you now what you should be doing differently and what you are doing wrong, on the basis that I have had 4 children and have 13 years more parenting experience than you, would you listen to me?

It's really easy to be preachy once you have learnt through experience. You know all the mistakes and the tricks...

But everyone needs to learn themselves. They need to learn by doing, make the mistakes, see the consequences, learn through experience.

To answer your question in the OP - one of you needs ear plugs, and eye mask and loud white noise and to be able to disengage fully to go to sleep. Him or you. Whoever isn't dealing with baby. Sleep is precious.

If I told you now what you should be doing differently and what you are doing wrong, on the basis that I have had 4 children and have 13 years more parenting experience than you, would you listen to me?

Exactly. Not only that but you will be doing it completely different from another mother of four because it' what works for you

I was the same when they were that small OP DH was and is a fantastic Dad, but his response times to things wasn't quite warp speed like mine so I'd get a gob in and take over a bit.
I never did quite manage the crying thing though - if DH can't settle them overnight, I still go and tag him out. He can tolerate it far longer than me.
Try to cut back slightly or in areas that you can stand, e.g. your child will have better head control now than as a tiny newborn so, if it's not being held in a comfy position, s/he is likely to complain and let DH know. They don't always look comfortable when being held but often are.
The nappy cream. Speak to DH - leave the Sudocrem on top of the nappy pile for a bit as a reminder if it helps.
The pens - ask him would he like you to poke him in the eye with a bic? Explain that you're not trying to micro manage him, just that you may notice things he hasn't and know how devastated he'd be if he hurt the baby unintentionally.
Communicating is key - you don't want to offend DH because he will have his way, you will have yours. Mine will do stupid shit from time to time but they survive.
Don't fall out over it - you need each other.

I think people here sometimes forget how anxiety ridden having your first child can be in the early months.

I know what you mean. I used to be the same. But then I started to think of anything happened to me and he had to look after him all the time, he'd be fine. I now really appreciate any help as it means I can rest up a bit.

Josephine ha I did that too 'if I die he needs to be able to do a, b and c'
not dramatic me oh no
I made sure he could do a plait as soon as one of the DD's had enough hair for the same reason

I was a single mum from the off so I never got the chance to find out!

But, you know, I reckon I could have. Happily.

And if I couldn't actually get to sleep (I'm a champion sleeper but nothing "gets" to you like the cries of your infant), I'd have stayed in bed and read or dozed or something. Would have Mumsnetted if it had been invented then!

If I'd had a partner who was an equal parent, I don't think I'd have hovered around offering "helpful" advice.

Or if I had (because, who knows, the first few months of parenting are crazy), I bet months/years down the line, I'd have looked back and thought "Why the fuck did I do that?"

Try to relax a bit, OP. It'll be fine.

No I wouldn't be able to sleep BUT you have to let your baby get used to being settled by your DHif you ever want a break.
Coparenting is very difficult but you just have to let him get on with it.

I used to put ear plugs in and leave him to it!

DD's breastfed so if he needed me he'd wake me, if she was crying for anything other than hunger, he'd deal with it!
He's taken her for a walk in the pram in the early hours of the morning before now.

Unless she's hungry he's actually better at settling her than me.

OP I have been you, I have said all the same things you said and after 3 children with my husband the best advice I can give you is to back off!
Unless the baby is in danger, back off!
Let him figure out his parenting on his own the same way you have or you risk permanently alienating him from his child. The next time he tells you he can handle it, go to bed!
Hovering over him is just the same as telling him you don't have faith he can figure it out on his own, and he will remember that long after the baby is grown.

my reading of what you've said Op is that you're judging yourself if you walk away from your crying child, rather than judging any other parent that would. You shouldn't, everyone needs a break. It's complicated - I remember feeling like a total failure at many points in the early days. Babies do a lot of crying in the first 12 weeks and a lot of the time I had no idea why.

I don't understand what the issue is with your DH wanting to get up with the little one and let you sleep, most Mums I know wouldn't bat an eyelid. It can be hard being a first time parent and feeling anxious about things, but don't forget it took two of you to make this Child, your DH is simply well...being a parent!