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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Self confidence needed

29 replies

Strongerwithoutyou · 08/07/2017 19:33

This is going to turn into a drunken ramble so I should probably start by apologising.
Was single for 3.5 years after splitting from EA exh. Few months back met someone on PoF and after few stumbles (lying about his age, and then doing something I found really disrespectful) things seemed to be going well. He met DD and she absolutely adores him. But now I'm wondering if my total lack of self confidence is making me put up with something that's not quite right? He's 15 years older than me, and while other people have said he should consider himself 'lucky' to have a younger, tall, slim gf (their words, absolutely not mine) I'm the one worrying that I'm punching above my weight. Although he made the effort at first, the past month or so it feels like I'm doing all the running. It feels less like a relationship and more like we hook up a couple of times a week for a meal and sex. I love this man. I can't stress that enough. And he says he loves me. But I'm not sure he really does. ATM he's abroad on a stag do and I've heard nothing from him all day. Normally he'll message me every couple of hours, and whatsapp is showing he's been online multiple times but I've heard nothing. This isn't me being needy, it's just not like him to not message me at all.
I don't know what to do.
I genuinely love him - for the most part he treats me well and is a lovely man. But right now I can't help but wonder if he's using my lack of self confidence to make me feel like I can't do any better than him?
I just need some advice and possibly a kick up the backside.

OP posts:
thestamp · 08/07/2017 19:45

I mean this gently. You barely know this person. You can't feel anything but infatuated after a months long rs... True deep love is a long way off.

Keep your head, my love. He liked and disrespected you and now you feel like something is wrong? He doesn't sound like he's the man to make you feel secure and happy. It's not meant to be angst filled or difficult.

It's such early days. Why not disentangle gently asap. Don't invest more time when you can already feel it's not right.

Also and again I mean this kindly... Please be very careful about introducing dd to a new man after a few months? There is a safety issue there, as well as emotional difficulty for you if things don't pan out and then you're left with a child who you are worried may feel disappointed or abandoned.

Much better to date for at least a year or so before DD spends time with him? Give yourself a lot of time to get sure...

thestamp · 08/07/2017 19:46

He lied! Not liked. Sorry!

OhMyYears · 08/07/2017 19:47

What did he do that you found disrespectful? I probably wouldn't have introduced him to your DD so soon as in only few months he has quite a few red flags.

Listen to your gut instinct. Deep down you know this man is not the one for you.

JK1773 · 08/07/2017 19:53

I agree with the others here. I've been with my DP 8 months and although I think i probably do love him I haven't told him. It's too soon. Once you get past the first few months infatuated state and reality kicks in and you start realising nobody is perfect, only then will love start to grow in my humble opinion. Also it is far to soon to be meeting your child. I haven't met my DPs children yet and it won't happen anytime soon. It shouldn't be like this for you after such a short period

Queenofthedrivensnow · 08/07/2017 20:52

Red flags here. What was the disrespectful thing?

Original poster
Strongerwithoutyou · 08/07/2017 23:40

The disrespectful thing was while we were away for a weekend a group of drunken women flashed him and he thought it acceptable to high five them for it Confused. I'm worried that I'm blowing this all out of proportion purely because I'm insecure.

OP posts:
Onedayoneday · 08/07/2017 23:42

Were you with him when he did that?

Trickycat · 08/07/2017 23:47

Perhaps your instincts are telling you something for a reason. A pp is right, don't over invest.

How much did he shave off his age out of interest?

Original poster
Strongerwithoutyou · 08/07/2017 23:47

Yes Oneday

OP posts:
Original poster
Strongerwithoutyou · 08/07/2017 23:48

Tricky he told me he was 40. Caught him out when I discovered he's actually 46.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 08/07/2017 23:55

This is not the man for you. The first months are supposed to be lovely, fun times, when you get to know each other and decide whether he's someone you should introduce to your child when you're sure that he'll be a permanent fixture in your life. Instead, you've already been lied to, disrespected and he's now reduced your relationship to regular sex with no commitment needed on his behalf. When you first got together, did he lovebomb you?

Self confidence has to come from within. Even though you were single for a while, how much work did you do on yourself before you felt ready to date again? How do you know what your boundaries are? Sack him off, get yourself to where you need to be and try again (obviously without the introducing him to your child bit).

Trickycat · 08/07/2017 23:58

6 years is quite a lot to take off your age. He sounds dishonest. Sorry OP, he does not sound trustworthy.

Have you done the Freedom programme? Perhaps that would be helpful for you.

Original poster
Strongerwithoutyou · 09/07/2017 00:02

I don't know if I'd call it lovebombing exactly. He told me he loved me first, he was the one talking about us having a long term future etc.
I am just feeling extremely lost and confused and upset now. Maybe I am a mug, but I thought he was genuine. As did other people who'd met him. I hoped the age difference would mean he was more mature than men my own age but now I don't know what to think. He seems so lovely most of the time

OP posts:
Trickycat · 09/07/2017 00:08

Google future faking OP. These men are charming, don't feel like a mug.

I think the age difference is a problem and frankly so does he because he lied about it. Unfortunately I don't think older does mean more mature.

Hermonie2016 · 09/07/2017 00:10

Age is not an indicator of maturity, certainly not emotional maturity.

Did you post about him at the time? If you feel disrespected then trust your instinct, can't stress this enough.After an abusive relationship your feelings will have been invalidated so you are not listening to them.

A few months is way too soon to play families.You are still so young and why are you settling for him?

Set your sights higher, you deserve better but perhaps you feel you don't??

Original poster
Strongerwithoutyou · 09/07/2017 00:13

Hermione I genuinely don't believe that I deserve better, I think that's part of the problem. I just see this as me failing yet again and not being good enough for him, or anyone. I feel sick at the thought of ending things with him, firstly because I do love him, and secondly because I'm doubting myself. Maybe he hasn't done anything wrong, maybe this is all just me overreacting.

OP posts:
Porpoises · 09/07/2017 00:16

What reason did he give for lying? That's a huge red flag in my book, a relationship has to be based on honesty. And its bizarre because in a long term relationship you'd find out eventually. Sounds like he was just trying to get sex from a younger woman.

In my experience there is not a strong correlation between age and maturity! Or perhaps the mature older men go for women of their own age, whereas the ones who've never grown up lie about their age to get someone younger.

Original poster
Strongerwithoutyou · 09/07/2017 00:18

Because I'd told him my cut off point was 40 (I'm 31) and he said he was too scared to come clean after I'd said that because he thought I'd lose interest.

OP posts:
Porpoises · 09/07/2017 00:21

This isn't you failing. You try things, you learn from them. Each time you learn a bit more about relationships and about yourself. Some people seem to get there earlier in life, but often that's because they learnt more helpful things from their family about relationships when growing up.

The only thing to change in future is to introduce your dd later, once you've had time to really get to know them

Porpoises · 09/07/2017 00:22

How did the conversation go - did he tell you his age before or after you discussed your cut off point?

Original poster
Strongerwithoutyou · 09/07/2017 00:25

He told me he was 40 which led to me saying that's ok, 40 is my cut off point. I then found out he was 46 when I googled him before our first date

OP posts:
Porpoises · 09/07/2017 00:29

So he already lied, then blamed your cut off point for his lie. Why did he lie in the first place? That's not respectful behaviour.

Original poster
Strongerwithoutyou · 09/07/2017 00:33

I don't know. I just don't know what to think.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 09/07/2017 00:37

I just see this as me failing yet again and not being good enough for him, or anyone. Walking away is not a failure, it's a success. You're proving that you can identify red flags and walk away from someone who isn't right for you.

Original poster
Strongerwithoutyou · 09/07/2017 00:40

It doesn't feel like much of a success. I feel so so stupid. I honestly wouldn't have let my dd meet him if I hadn't thought it was going to go somewhere. I feel like I've just undone all the hard work I put into being by myself for so long and learning to accept that that was ok. I feel so bloody stupid

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