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Relationships

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Original poster

Can feelings ever be wrong?

31 replies

Songbird86 · 08/07/2017 18:11

What do people think, can feelings be "wrong"? Can we feel something wrongly because of past hurt?

Just wondering what people's thoughts are!

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 08/07/2017 18:28

Please define "feelings", then I'll answer.

Original poster

Songbird86 · 08/07/2017 18:34

So for example, feeling angry or defensive because you feel hurt by something someone has said/done.

OP posts:

user1490142285 · 08/07/2017 18:38

Idk if feelings can be wrong, it's kind apples and oranges, if is was a matter of right or wrong they'd be called facts. Maybe you could put it in context?

user1490142285 · 08/07/2017 18:39

Sorry, cross post.

I think it's more a matter of understanding why you feel the way you do. If you feel hurt there must be a reason, and you can feel hurt by someone else's actions even though they may not have meant them to be hurtful.

BertrandRussell · 08/07/2017 18:40

What you feel can't be wrong. But sometimes the feeling is inappropriate to the "stimulus" so you have to think very carefully about how you react- the reaction can be wrong.

user1490142285 · 08/07/2017 18:41

It can also be that someone can act hurtfully toward you but tell you you're 'wrong' to feel hurt because they didn't mean it. There are a lot of layers to this dynamic and Idk if a blanket statement (about feelings being wrong or right) can cover it.

thestamp · 08/07/2017 18:45

Feelings are chemical reactions in the brain, influenced by previous experiences and situations. Many are based on misconceptions stemming from ones childhood experiences. They should be acknowledged and treated kindly, but they're rarely a reflection of reality and shouldn't be used to guide behaviour or make decisions.

Saiman · 08/07/2017 18:48

There is so many layers to this.

Feelings cant be wrong. They come from all our experiences.

That can be off the mark. For example if you have been ghosted a few times then another person rearranges a date. You may let down, angry, scared they will ghost you. But the other person hasnt done anything wrong.

Thats why when i have a strong emotional reaction i remove myself from the situation so i can calm myself, get some clarity and think of it from the other persons perspective.

Tilapia · 08/07/2017 18:53

Do you mean, is it possible to feel hurt when the other person genuinely did not mean to hurt your feelings?

If so then yes, definitely.

Wheelycote · 08/07/2017 18:58

Difficult....feelings don't tend to lie but the strength of them and who/how directed can be

Original poster

Songbird86 · 08/07/2017 19:08

Yeah I guess it's a tricky one. I guess I'm trying to make sense of things I've been through recently. I had frequent strong emotional reactions/ feelings based on my partners behaviour. For example, I may think he was being rude to me but he would say he wasn't. He'd say "why would I be rude to you?" But i couldn't shift this perceived rudeness because it lead to real feelings of hurt, I then reacted to him based on my hurt. As he says he wasn't intending rudeness my perception is wrong and my reaction was wrong. But my reaction was based on feelings....so my feelings aren't valid/wrong. Make sense?

OP posts:

Saiman · 08/07/2017 19:15

Thats even more difficult. Because no one can actually tell you if he was rude, or you took it wrong.

Wheelycote · 09/07/2017 06:37

One thing you have to do and have to let people know is that when you get a feeling positive or negative....you have to respect it.

Your partner might disagree but to you he was rude.....end of. If his behaviour is something that wouldn't normally bother you but now it is, then that might suggest, your feeling a bit aggrieved /hurt about other things and this has just added salt to the wound.

Your feelings are there to tell you something.....we then assign a meaning to them....that's the tricky but. It's like trying to decipher someone speaking to u in a foreign language....you get the jist. Chances are if when he's rude....you get this feeling then that's what's caused it.

It's then a case of saying to him....I don't like it when you do x,y,z....I get its not a problem for you...but it is for me...it's just the way I'm made...if you continue to do it....it will lead to problems...giving you the heads up because I love you and want this relationship to work.

Hope that helps

PurplePeppers · 09/07/2017 06:49

I think feelings can vary a lot depending in how you interpret the situation.
So you can feel hurt that someone said xxx. Or you could feel appreciative that they trusted you enough to say something that it's very close to their heart and potentially upsetting.
That's why CBT spend a lot of time time reframing situations.

HOWEVER, I don't think that it's feelings that are wrong. Feelings are whatever they are, neither right or wrong.
I think it's the interpretation of the situation that can be 'wrong'. Or maybe there are different interpretations or a situation that are all valid as such (eg when two partners see the same situation in a very different light)!

I'm not sure if that helps you though .
Can you tell a bit more about the specific situation you are talking about?

PurplePeppers · 09/07/2017 06:53

Sorry song cross post

In that case, I wouldn't concentrate on feelings but what has happened and in particular on boundaries (yours) and what your interpretations of the situation was.
Often our feelings are the reactions to a whole 'analysis' done nearly subconsciously as to what we think is acceptable or not (boundaries), what we though our DP meant by xxx (own experience/history).
It would also be worth trying to out yourself in his shoes and try to look at things form his pov.

It might well be that your feeelings have a very valid basis. Or it could be that you have overreacted a bit. Or it might be that your DP actions/words were sort of OK butvthat he didn't take into account your own experience (making you more sensitive on a certain subject)

Original poster

Songbird86 · 09/07/2017 10:00

Thanks for the responses. Just to clarify, we broke up 3 weeks ago. I am struggling to process what happened because throughout the relationship I would often feel he was behaving in a way he wasn't (rude/arrogant etc) but if I told him that's what I observed or was the reason I'd argue with him, I was told my perceptions were wrong and I wasn't seeing him for who he was. Which means my feelings should be ignored, right?

OP posts:

rizlett · 09/07/2017 12:20

Which means my feelings should be ignored, right?

Unless he was rude/arrogant in which case your feelings were/are right.

If you have to analyse feelings to such a degree it sounds like this relationship wasn't right for you anyway.

Let it all go and move on.

Tilapia · 09/07/2017 13:31

Sounds like you just weren't right for each other. Onwards and upwards OP!

NotDavidTennant · 09/07/2017 13:38

What ever the truth of whether or not he was rude or arrogant, something about him was provoking a negative reaction in you, so you clearly weren't compatible as a couple. If this is a repeated pattern in your relationships then maybe you need to analyze a bit where those feelings are coming from, but if it is a one-off then maybe just chalk it up to experience.

PurplePeppers · 09/07/2017 18:10

Yes it might well be an issue with not being compatible.
Or he was gaslighting you. Telling you you were wrong he actually HAD been rude etc...

Quite hard to tell really.

Intransige · 09/07/2017 18:23

It sounds suspiciously like he was gaslighting you, OP.

Don't doubt your own feelings, but it helps I have found to understand why you react the way you do. Sometimes echoes of the past can cause trouble.

Original poster

Songbird86 · 09/07/2017 18:38

Thing is I knew why I reacted like I did, but he just jumped on my reactions being down to "my ex" or "my parents". I'm not a stupid person and I think I'm pretty switched on. But he just always seemed to make me feel as though I was wrong in the way I felt because it wasn't what he intended (or so he said). It's all very confusing

OP posts:

Wheelycote · 09/07/2017 18:49

Song Respect your feelings. You don't have to see eye to eye with him. Just because he says your wrong and he's right doesn't make it so.

Your feelings told you, you didn't like certain behaviour......respect your feelings. We all have different tolerance levels...he's hit yours...which is absolutely fine.

He's deflecting when he says its you not him.

Hermonie2016 · 09/07/2017 19:47

I think we can all over react at times but it's how you handle that as a couple.

If he assumed you misunderstood his intent then there are ways he could have said it kindly.To "jump on your reactions" sounds like he was defensive, which can be a strategy to avoid blame.

My stbxh was like this..my feelings were wrong, it meant he didn't have to change his approach or look at his own behaviour.

However if I upset someone I care about I would be keen to ensure I understand.If I felt it was a constant over reaction I think I would still look to help, not berate.

If it was a short relationship and constant over reaction I suspect I would ditch but if it was a long term relationship and it was relatively new behavior then I would be seeking to understand what had caused additional sensitivity.

It sounds like your ex didn't give a damm about your feelings and blamed you as a way of deflecting.Its very invalidating behaviour which is why you are confused.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/07/2017 21:46

It doesn't matter if he was rude according to the rules of the International Rudeness Convention 2017 or not.

You didn't like the way he spoke to you. He thought it was fine. You are not compatible.

Congratulations, this was a dating success. This is why we date, to weed out the ones we are not compatible with, for any reason whatsoever, whether "approved" by other people or not.

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