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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unsupportive husband, AIBU

45 replies

FTMwinginglife · 07/07/2017 21:49

So I don't know if I'm being a bit sensitive/unreasonable but here it goes

I'm a FTM with a 2.5 week old DS. DH is currently on paternity with us for another 2 weeks and decided to landscape the bloody garden during this time rather then focus on our first babe - but that's a side problem.

I'm struggling a little with DS.. parenting is hard, breast feeding was rough for the first 2 weeks, he doesn't settle well at night so I'm exhausted and instead of being supportive DH has been having a go at me most nights that's DS isn't sleeping well, always wants feeding, the house isn't tidy, I'm not sleeping when he's sleeping. It ends with me crying and feeling like a failure and him saying he's fed up with me.

Am I being a bit hormonal or should I really get more support off him at this time?
Any advice/perspective appreciated!

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 07/07/2017 21:55

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

Has he always been such a selfish unsupportive arse?

Paternity leave is for him to spend looking after YOU, and the baby of course. (my midwife said "you feed the baby, your husband looks after you"). You have just been through, and are going through, a hell of an ordeal.

JoshLymanJr · 07/07/2017 21:55

should I really get more support off him at this time?

Yes, you should. The house isn't tidy?:

a) so what? You have an infant - it won't be tidy for some time!

b) why the hell doesn't he tidy it himself?

Saying he's fed up with you is a disgrace, and he should be using his paternity leave to look after you both.

GlitterSparkles17 · 07/07/2017 21:58

How have you not blown your lid with him yet?? He's being completely unsupportive, paternity leave is for dads to spend time with their new baby and look after both of you. You've just given birth!! Does he expect you up a ladder washing the guttering by now? Im sure there's going to be a lot more advice to come soon, show him the thread so he can see what a twat he's being.

JoshLymanJr · 07/07/2017 22:01

DH has been having a go at me most nights that's DS isn't sleeping well

Is he actually blaming you for the baby not sleeping well?

rollonthesummer · 07/07/2017 22:05

He is being a total arse!

YokoReturns · 07/07/2017 22:07

Babies don't sleep, they don't even know what 'night time' is.

Your husband needs to shape up, and fast.

AceholeRimmer · 07/07/2017 22:08

You are meant to be a team and he's not supporting you. I am a SAHM to a toddler and baby, me and DP alternate nights with the baby so neither of us goes insane with lack of sleep. When he's not working he's making bottles, feeding, changing etc. Men like this don't seem to care that their wife/partner is falling apart, even though helping her will mean a better quality of life for everyone including him.

GlitterSparkles17 · 07/07/2017 22:08

Sounds like you need to tell him how fed up you are with HIM. he sounds awful

Quartz2208 · 07/07/2017 22:09

Surely he should be tidying

YokoReturns · 07/07/2017 22:09

PS brilliant job on the breastfeeding OP - keep going and do not let your arse of a DH disrupt your supply by demanding a tidy house.

I have 2 DC (4 and 1) and my house is never tidy, probably won't be for a long time.

Phillipa12 · 07/07/2017 22:11

Most babies of that age feed continuously and dont sleep well, as for the house being untidy....is he allergic to cleaning? Am fuming for you op, your dh is being a completely unsupportive twat and it would probably be easier if he went back to work.

bemusedbewildered · 07/07/2017 22:12

He's an arse. Suggest DH tidy the house and make good instead of landscaping. You need to set clear expectations of getting good help early on and challenge negative comments immediately.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 07/07/2017 22:13

Paternity leave is for husbands to support their wives. He's being a dick. He should be tidying!

evensmilingmakesmyfacehurt · 07/07/2017 22:16

He is obviously very confused about what paternity leave is for. It definitely isn't about landscaping the garden.

Do you have the midwife or HV coming around again before he goes back to work? Maybe a stern talking to from them about looking after you & the baby and to explain that young babies don't sleep and are constantly feeding would help?

PatriciaHolm · 07/07/2017 22:17

all you should be doing now is focusing on the baby. No tidying, no pandering to a husband who should be doing pretty much everything else to allow you to look after a newborn. He's being a selfish git.

GoldenOrb · 07/07/2017 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bemusedbewildered · 07/07/2017 22:18

Just also think his attitude needs swift correction - it'll only get more entitled when he goes back to work if you don't pull him up.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 07/07/2017 22:26

The early days are so so hard. And establishing bf is a nightmare! My DH and I had several rows in those days. They aren't doing it so it's so hard do it then to get it. I've always said that having our first baby was like a bomb going off in the. middle of our lives. DH suffered collateral damage by my whole life was razed the ground! You need to be kind toneach

Original poster
FTMwinginglife · 07/07/2017 22:26

He's always been a tidy freak and not a laid back type when it comes to stressful situations so I expected a bit of stress from him when the sleep deprivation hit but it's just getting overwhelming.

We've had a row tonight about what the 'plan is for tonight' because the last few nights haven't worked out with DS waking him every hour or so and not settling Hmm
Have told him he needs to support more and he can't believe I don't appreciate the 'support' he's giving.. to be fair he was wonderful the first week :-(

Thanks for all the kind words, feel a bit better and that I'm not completely failing at this 'new mum' malarkey

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 07/07/2017 22:28

You poor thing... your job is to recover from pregnancy and childbirth, manufacture nutrition for a while human being , to provide said nutrition as and when it is required and to cherish and protect your baby.
Any other task comes after all of that. In a spare five minutes when all of the above is done including having the rest and food that you need to complete your tasks you might turn on the washing machine or find five minutes to talk to your DH or pay a bill on line.
Your DH has to support you by making your life and thus the well being of his child as easy as is possible in the circumstances. If he may well have some time for the garden but the support service should be his top priority. It can be stressful for partners to know how to help but it should be obvious that house tidying is not going to be on your agenda for some time.
I second a stern talking to from someone... has he got a sister or female friend tat you could enlist.
What on earth were his expectations? Why was paternity leave conceived?

LastOneDancing · 07/07/2017 22:30

WTF is it with men who think their life shouldn't be affected by the arrival of their child? I've met a few of these twats.

Your only job in the first few weeks is to care for your baby, let your body recover from a huge event and get used to the thunderbolt which is new motherhood. That's it.

His job while on paternity leave is to care for you.

There's only one failure here OP, and it's really not you Flowers

yikesanotherbooboo · 07/07/2017 22:32

I would add that personally I can't see why two parents need to be awake in the night at the same time.maybe he could do they late evening and early morning shifts if your child is organised enough yet to have a two or three hour stretch of sleep? ( one of my three was at this stage)

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 07/07/2017 22:34

Sorry tablet glitch! You need to be kind and sympathetic to each other. Everything has changed now you have a baby. The house won't be as tidy, and there is no plan that will be failsafe! I know my DH struggled with this , but 13 years later we are still ok. There will be squabbles and tears but you can't work it out.
I don't think he's an asshole, just not grasping the reality. It doesn't mean he won't be a good dad/Dh

bemusedbewildered · 07/07/2017 22:35

The only thing I can muster in his defence is that the first baby is a huge adjustment and it takes a while to realise life doesn't go back to your old normal. Books don't prepare you for the relentlessness of it. TV shows featuring babies and kids are so unrealistic they're no help either.
People who want to be grandparents generally share all the best bits aboitnhavig kids...

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 07/07/2017 22:35

You CAN work it out!! Blinking tablet!

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