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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unsupportive husband, AIBU

45 replies

FTMwinginglife · 07/07/2017 21:49

So I don't know if I'm being a bit sensitive/unreasonable but here it goes

I'm a FTM with a 2.5 week old DS. DH is currently on paternity with us for another 2 weeks and decided to landscape the bloody garden during this time rather then focus on our first babe - but that's a side problem.

I'm struggling a little with DS.. parenting is hard, breast feeding was rough for the first 2 weeks, he doesn't settle well at night so I'm exhausted and instead of being supportive DH has been having a go at me most nights that's DS isn't sleeping well, always wants feeding, the house isn't tidy, I'm not sleeping when he's sleeping. It ends with me crying and feeling like a failure and him saying he's fed up with me.

Am I being a bit hormonal or should I really get more support off him at this time?
Any advice/perspective appreciated!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/07/2017 22:36

Eh, does he know what the purpose of paternity leave is?

His job is to park you and baby on the settee (or bed) with the remote, feed, water you and take care of the running of the house.

What a cockend, it needs spelling out to him. He doesn't have a clue Confused

YokoReturns · 07/07/2017 22:37

There is no 'plan' with newborns, they just want to feed, sleep and be cuddled.

Your DH has got to adjust his expectations, perhaps you could Google 'fourth trimester' and share your findings with him.

Fairylea · 07/07/2017 22:37

Is he a control freak? It sounds like it. You can't control tiny babies. They control you! It's the way it goes. There is no "plan". Just surviving!

KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 07/07/2017 22:40

He sounds really horrible. Has he always been like this?

user7680 · 07/07/2017 22:41

Sounds like me be he will only get worse I resent him badly

Original poster
FTMwinginglife · 07/07/2017 22:43

Have said all this to him, he's apologised and said he'll try and support more but he's said it all week.
He's got a sister but TBH I doubt he'd pay attention to her or anyone else I ask to talk to him.. I mentioned he should read up on what to expect in the first few months with babies so he'll understand the constant needs and he's gone all offended that I'm 'accusing him of not being interested in the baby' Hmm
Maybe I'll subtly leave this thread open on my phone and go get a biscuit.. I'm such a coward Blush

OP posts:
user7680 · 07/07/2017 22:43

Meant sounds like mine

QuiteLikely5 · 07/07/2017 22:43

Urgh

I am looking for signs of hope but cannot see them!

This man is a completely unpleasant unreasonable douch bag and understands nothing about newborns!

How the heck is the baby supposed to sleep through after one week?

Confused do tell us if he ever finds out!!

Show him this thread and if you're reading mr whoever you are a complete tool

Support your wife by doing the housework and taking the baby whilst she naps!!!!

QuiteLikely5 · 07/07/2017 22:45

You need to leave him with baby for a few hours and once you return demand to know why the house work has not been done and why baby isn't asleep!

Original poster
FTMwinginglife · 07/07/2017 22:54

QuiteLikely5
Loving that idea!

Thanks everyone for the support! Flowers

OP posts:
user7680 · 07/07/2017 22:56

I expressed and left him to do night feeds and went to the spare room I came back within an hour to check on the baby and found him co sleeping with my baby....could have killed her as he's a deep sleeper...I never asked him again ..this was 3 yrs ago not having any more children with him either still a lazy a...hole now

Intransige · 07/07/2017 22:59

He should feel free to tidy the house himself if he's a tidy freak. You are a life support system for a brand new person, you have far more important things to be doing than cleaning.

Also, if he's drastically sleep deprived he should sleep in another room. Whatever works to maximise sleep for everyone - no one wins the tiredness olympics and he can't help that much at night if you're breastfeeding. He should save his energy for all the cooking and cleaning etc he needs to do during the day Smile

seven201 · 07/07/2017 23:26

Urgh. What an arse. I don't usually think or say this but I do think you should show him this thread. He should be helping you to look after/feed/whatever the baby. If you weren't breastfeeding I'd say you should leave him in charge of he baby for a few hours while you pop out but you can't Sad. I look back and wonder how anyone survives he first few weeks of being a parent. It's like being hit by a truck, a lovely truck mind.

Mwnci123 · 07/07/2017 23:36

He is being unreasonable and unrealistic. Your precious baby is so new- meeting your little son's needs is obviously the priority right now, as well as giving you every opportunity to heal. Any reasonable partner should see that.

My husband had regular nights in the spare room to catch up on sleep after dd was born. Quite often, though, I needed his help with getting her latched on at night, with winding, to keep an eye when I knew I couldn't stay awake through a feed, or just to be there because I wanted him close.

If your husband is bothered about mess or whatever he should get tidying, obviously. You have more important things to do xx

RiseToday · 08/07/2017 00:00

Wow! One whole week of support from him - now come on, you should surely be recovered from the trauma of labour and the mental stress of having a newborn by now!

Seriously, he needs to buck his fucking ideas up. You're 2.5 weeks in and it's going to be a long old slog unless he changes his ways.

Tidying the house? This shouldn't even be on your radar. If it so concerns him, then he can bloody well do it himself. As for the baby disturbing his sleep - well, words fail me. Tell him to go and sleep in the shed or his car.

You deserve better than this.

breadandhoney1 · 08/07/2017 10:59

Leave him with baby as long as you can and go for a sort walk and let him call you if baby needs a feed. It's the only way my h came round to realising I wasn't just sitting around not doing things. Just having to call me each time I needed to bf made him realise I was a lot busier than he noticed previously and it made me feel better getting a few minutes to myself.
If you're not comfortable leaving the house be on a different floor or in the garden and only help h if absolutely necessary because he won't see how much work it is if he hasn't seen it by now, he needs that short sharp shock of reality.

PickAChew · 08/07/2017 13:11

He needs it pointing out to him that the whole point of paternity leave is in the name and that there is more to fatherhood than kicking around a football, together.

Naicehamshop · 08/07/2017 13:32

OMG! He is being totally thoughtless and inconsiderate!

I second the idea of showing him this thread (unless you think he is going to kick off and get nasty, of course Sad).

petitesassygirl · 08/07/2017 15:16

'Landscape' his face for him

Pollydonia · 08/07/2017 17:00

Good god, my 1st DC didn't sleep through until he was well over 2 years old and both of mine were in high school before the house didn't look like a drop in kids club. He needs to massively lower his expectations ( can be done, my dh is/ was a neat freak. He is also more than happy to roll up his sleeves and do the cleaning ) and support the mother of his child who is still physically recovering from giving birth

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