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Original poster

Being put in an awful situation..

34 replies

BettyOBarley · 07/07/2017 13:43

My mum told me last week that she is leaving my dad. They've been married 45 years. I'm in my 30s and knew things weren't 100% rosy but it was a massive shock and rightly or wrongly am finding it hard to come to terms with, mainly because she hasn't told him yet!!

She's in the process of signing up to rent a house but has been with my dad since she was 17 and isnt very "worldly-wise (to say the least), has no clue about computers, forms, life in general as my dad has done it all.

She is now asking me for help to fill the forms in etc. before she tells him.
I want her to be happy but feel like she's putting me in a really awful position here.
My poor dad has done some stupid things in their marriage (financial mainly, no abuse or cheating) and I understand her reasons for leaving but hes still my dad and it feels really horrible to know when he doesn't let alone be sneaking about helping her rent a bloody house!

Do I help her? do I say no do it yourself and keep me out of it even though she has no one else to help?

I'm very close to my mum and would always help her if I can but I feel horrendous about going behind my dad's back and can't think clearly at all what is the "right" thing to do.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 07/07/2017 13:46

Who else can she ask? If she has a friend who is close enough to fill out personal forms for her, then nominate them.

If not, you can say you'd be happy to help her but only after he's been told.

If she's genuinely afraid of telling him and needs to literally slip out whilst he's at work, then it's a very bad situation and you should give her all the help you can pronto.

Ellisandra · 07/07/2017 13:48

Depends on why she's doing it "behind his back" really.

If she has a good reason - like, she knows he's going to be verbally abusive and wants to be able to get out immediately, then I would recognise that my dad is an arsehole and help her.

If it's about having ducks in a row to make it easier for everyone and your dad is only expected to react in a "normal" way (surprised, upset, maybe angry - but not abusive) then I would be offering to help her tell him, before helping with the logistics.

My husband was an arsehole but I would never have told my child that (even if she was grown up) so I think you do have to bear in my there could be a good reason for her wanting everything lined up.

MollyWantsACracker · 07/07/2017 13:49

Gosh op, you have my sympathy. That really is a tough row to hoe.

I think though that you'll have to get her to communicate with your Dad, in the case where she's not escaping an abusive situation

Your relationship with your Dad could be permanently damaged otherwise

I feel for you, and for both of your parents 🙁

TheEmmaDilemma · 07/07/2017 13:50

Wow, she's put you in a really difficult situation.

Have you tried to talk to her about how she's making you feel?

Ellisandra · 07/07/2017 13:53

I'm interested in your language that he has done some "stupid things", mainly financial.
It may not be minimising of course - but it's a phrase I've usually heard from friends when they're unhappily married and not ready to face leaving yet. The suggestion is that they're silly things but not marriage ending... when in fact they are.

As these stupid things are money related - is she concerned about giving the game away too soon because he is likely to cause financial problems?

Original poster
BettyOBarley · 07/07/2017 14:00

It's definitely a ducks-in-a-row situation rather than abusive. My dad's financial/business fuck ups have resulted in them losing their home and living in a 1 bed rented house so understand she might not want to tell him and then have to share a bedroom for a few weeks until she can go...I get it but why the hell she can't see that it's wrong to involve me I just don't know.

I haven't told her how she's made me feel yet no as she literally dropped this bombshell on me during a 10 min trip to the shops Hmm

I'm veering towards meeting her tomorrow and saying I will do this one thing foe you but I want you to know what an awful situation you've put me in, or just saying no I can't its too much to ask of me.

My dad won't go mad at her,he's ridiculously introverted and just shuts down/says nothing but I do fear it'll damage my relationship with him yes.

Sad
OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 07/07/2017 14:07

has she got anyone she could go and stay with for a couple of weeks or so after telling him or could book a short stay apartment/hotel for 5 days and then look for somewhere at that point? you may feel more comfortable to help her then. She can then say she is leaving and will be sorting somewhere out rather than behind his back. I have to be honest a woman this age really should be able to do this herself without involving you. I wouldnt involve my son at all pre my husband knowing.

Original poster
BettyOBarley · 07/07/2017 14:12

I don't think she has no. They haven't got a penny to scrape together other than her wage. We've no room here without a major upheaval, she doesn't drive anyway and we live in a different city to where she works. It's just a big mess really. I have a bad feeling that I'm also going to be expected to help her out a lot, ferrying her about and helping her set her bills up etc when really part of me want to say well this is what living alone is going to be like!! Is that harsh?

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 07/07/2017 14:14

It is a bit harsh to someone in their 60s who has never lived alone, yes.

ElspethFlashman · 07/07/2017 14:16

(Though the ferrying her about can't become a full time thing if she's able bodied. That's what buses and Trolleys on Wheels are for.)

chips4teaplease · 07/07/2017 14:16

Help her. If she had anyone else, she'd have asked them. If life with your father was tolerable, she wouldn't be leaving.

Ellisandra · 07/07/2017 14:17

She's going to have to learn fast - and frankly about time too.
I would still help her though, if there really is no-one else.

Because I would expect to be able to say to my dad:

"I checked she was certain - I was sure wasn't going to change her mind. I understand that it's hard for you that I was involved, but she needed help, it wouldn't have changed the outcome, and she is my mum, and I would do this for you".

And then not expect to deal with a long running shit fit from him.
Helping one parent (if she genuinely needs it) would trump another parent being moody. One is something they need help with, the other is a choice.

Ellisandra · 07/07/2017 14:21

She works.

I very much doubt a woman who works is unable to sort out some forms.

Can you compromise? Say you're not prepared to be instrumental in logistics of leaving your dad (though as above, I think you should be) but you will get her up and running on how to use a computer and the internet - which will be a godsend.

30 minutes showing her how MN Chat works and she's got all the help she'll need to know how to rent a house.

category12 · 07/07/2017 14:36

"I have a bad feeling that I'm also going to be expected to help her out a lot, ferrying her about and helping her set her bills up etc when really part of me want to say well this is what living alone is going to be like!! Is that harsh?"

Yes, I think it's harsh. I wouldn't expect to keep doing things for her forever, but to help her get on her feet, I would. There's a good reason she wants to leave at this stage in life and I think you should help her, (and help him when it comes to it). You would want her support to leave an unhappy relationship, wouldn't you? OK it's difficult, but if you say no you're effectively putting obstacles in her way, and if the relationship isn't working for her, she should be free to leave it.

RB68 · 07/07/2017 14:36

I think if she is going to stand on her own two feet then that is what she needs to do not leave it to someone else to sort out.

I would personally say to her look I appreciate why you are doing what you are doing but I can't be involved, I want to maintain a relationship with both of you and this would damage that. Not only that but if you are striking out on your own you need to do this for yourself and your own self esteem.

Amammi · 07/07/2017 14:45

If you do all this for her what will his expectation be - how is he going to live if the wage earner has left him?

WannaBe · 07/07/2017 14:50

By expecting the OP to help her the mum is asking her to take sides. That is utterly, utterly unreasonable as no-one knows what goes on inside a marriage and to expect loyalty to one parent over another is not reasonable at all.

I would tell her that if she wants to leave then she needs to do so but that you cannot reasonably be expected to facilitate this behind your dad's back. So you will help her but only after your dad has been told.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/07/2017 14:55

The thing is she is going to leave him so I would help her. In exchange for this help tell her she must tell your father that she is leaving and that she has told you and enlisted your help

She is your mother! You haven't said she's a bad person or mistreat you so why on earth you wouldn't help her is beyond me

WannaBe · 07/07/2017 14:58

"She is your mother! You haven't said she's a bad person or mistreat you so why on earth you wouldn't help her is beyond me" I would be concerned at where it would end. At the moment the OP's mother wants help, and she wants it with the proviso that the OP not be able to tell her father that her mother is planning to leave him, therefore making her conplicit in the deception, and it is deception to be getting a house sorted etc, planning to pull the budget from under him before he knows.

So what would be next? Expecting the OP to cut contact with her father because they're no longer together? if the OP really wanted to help then it should be under the condition that her father needs to be told and that she will not be a part of any secret keeping on her mother's part.

Original poster
BettyOBarley · 07/07/2017 15:02

Thank you all so much for your responses. It was harsh, I agree. I love my mum to bits, fully support her with her decision but do feel a bit annoyed at how she's going about it so that is clouding my judgement a bit I admit, hence posting here for a level headed view!

God knows what my dad will do. He does earn and works very hard (self-employed) but his business is not working, never has done and he earns very little but refuses to give up , hence the shit state they are in and have lived in for many years.

After taking your advice, I've texted her back to say that whilst I love her very much and fully support her I still have to have a relationship with my dad and feel very very uncomfortable and upset with the situation I've been put in, that I don't want to sneak around behind my dads back and it's not fair to ask me do so but if she 100% has no one else then I will do it as I love her and want her to be happy.

She's messaged me back telling me what it is she wants me to do. No sorry or acknowledgment of what a shit thing she's asking me to do. Nothing. Will see what she says tomorrow (which will involve me doing a 30 mile round trip with a baby and a toddler to bring her here to use computer and back again. No thank you for that either).

OP posts:
IWantABlueBanana · 07/07/2017 15:10

I wouldn't do it. If she wants to move out and live alone, well she'll need to learn to do just that.

I'm not overly close to my df, but if my dm asked that of me, it would be a massive no.

Original poster
BettyOBarley · 07/07/2017 15:11

Thanks Wanna that's exactly it, of course I'll help her in the coming weeks/months with whatever she needs..... when she's told him.
It's the deceit I don't want to be a part of. She's a brilliant mum but hes a brilliant dad. But she doesn't seem to get it. When I briefly mentioned my concerns the other day about knowing she just said oh well he'd know I'd tell you anyway. That's so not the point for me.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 07/07/2017 15:14

Sympathies to your Mum OP x

jamie2 · 07/07/2017 15:14

it sounds as if the op is in an impossible situation. Her dm hasnt acknowledged that and the op
will end up resenting her for it and it will also cause problems in her relationship with her df

diddl · 07/07/2017 15:17

If things are so bad financially, where is she getting the deposit & rent from?

I would perhaps help her but I would be expecting her to get herself to you.

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