Being put in an awful situation..

[BettyOBarley]

My mum told me last week that she is leaving my dad. They've been married 45 years. I'm in my 30s and knew things weren't 100% rosy but it was a massive shock and rightly or wrongly am finding it hard to come to terms with, mainly because she hasn't told him yet!!

She's in the process of signing up to rent a house but has been with my dad since she was 17 and isnt very "worldly-wise (to say the least), has no clue about computers, forms, life in general as my dad has done it all.

She is now asking me for help to fill the forms in etc. before she tells him.
I want her to be happy but feel like she's putting me in a really awful position here.
My poor dad has done some stupid things in their marriage (financial mainly, no abuse or cheating) and I understand her reasons for leaving but hes still my dad and it feels really horrible to know when he doesn't let alone be sneaking about helping her rent a bloody house!

Do I help her? do I say no do it yourself and keep me out of it even though she has no one else to help?

I'm very close to my mum and would always help her if I can but I feel horrendous about going behind my dad's back and can't think clearly at all what is the "right" thing to do.

Very difficult, OP - you have children of your own, and your Mum is supposed to be your parent, not the other way round. Although it sounds as if her reasons for leaving are quite reasonable, she should not be asking you to go behind your Dad's back. If he is abusive then obviously that's different, but from what you've said, it sounds as though he's "just" stubborn and a bit hopeless.

I think you need to put your foot down and set your boundaries right now, e.g. "Mum, I will help you wrt practical matters as and when I can, but please remember that I have small children of my own AND I do not want to be piggy in the middle between you and Dad. When you've told Dad, let me know".

You poor thing. Something very similar to this happened to me about 20 years ago when my Mum told me that she was divorcing my Dad about two weeks before he knew about it. She didn't ask for my help but I felt absolutely awful knowing when my Dad was still blissfully ignorant. The real difficulty I feel is that this situation is bound to reveal some uncomfortable truths (or truths perceived by one about the other) about both of your parents. I wish you all the best

It's very difficult to explain without putting too much of their personal detail but suffice to say their financial problems are both their faults in some ways.
She literally has a months wage of a minimum wage job which will cover deposit and rent and not much else. In an unfurnished house. And she thinks this is fine. I do feel like her head is in the clouds hence me feeling a little frustrated.

Funnily enough a similar thing has just happened with my friends. The male of the couple decided he was leaving with no warning and asked his son who is only in his early 20s to help him move his stuff out.

Poor lad was devestated and worried about his Mum. Who was indeed in a proper state when she came home from work to find her DH had moved out taking a good amount of furniture with him.

It's unfair and in my opinion, a bit spoiled. Your Mum can read can't she? The letting agents would assist her with forms I'm sure!

It's not on asking you. I don't blame you for being upset.

Betty

No woman in her right mind leaves a man after decades and decades of marriage - and at her age with no experience whatsoever of the outside world, she must be DEEPLY unhappy.

To be prepared to live alone in an unfurnished house indicates to you that she is perhaps even desperate? She has not put you in a difficult position by telling you all their marriage problems, she has kept quiet but is getting out, and has protected you from the details.

She is your mum, and in my view you have to step up here and now and do everything you can to support you. You can do the same for your Dad when he hears of this, no doubt he will need a lot of support as well. By helping her you are not condoning her decision, and you can tell her so, but you can tell your father the truth in time if you feel you should. But you absolutely must help her she has no one else.

For now though - you will feel hurt and upset over this even as an adult child it is very shocking and sad, so I hope you have help and good friends to talk to. Don't get cross if she forgets to say thank you - this is probably the biggest challenge she has yet faced in her life, and probably she will forget pleasantries but she will never forget you were there for her when she needed you.

Thank you Littlebird you speak a lot of sense there and thank you to other posters. It is just a horrible situation but you've helped me to see what I have to do.

This almost exactly my situation a couple of years ago. Same age when they married, similar length of marriage etc.
I told my mum that I love her and support her decision but that he is still my father and I will not be seen to be taking sides.
I pointed her in the right direction of organisations that could help her, and gave her an ear when she needed to vent, but that's it.
Wjen they finally did split officially, I helped them both with housing and moving.

Just tell her you'll help her, once she's told your dad. Make sure she knows you're still there for her and will support her but that you can't sneak around behind his back anymore than you'd sneak around behind her back. Really, you never know what's happened in their relationship, so many people just don't really know that their parents have things going on in the relationship that they keep secret for various reasons, so it's good that you'll be there for them both and are not treating one better than the other.

Thank you.

I think my words made her realise the situation wasn't right and she has now told him.

Thank you for your help everyone.

You can help your mom but that doesn't mean you have to enable her lack of self-reliance. You also do not have to participate in any deception that you are not comfortable with. Tell her you love her, but you also love your father. It is wholly unreasonable and inexcusable for her to expect you to choose sides.