I now cannot sleep and am hoping for some advice on how to deal with this tomorrow...
My husband and I have been together for over 9 years, we have a child and are expecting a baby in 8 weeks. Our sex life has its ups and downs but it usually good, however for the past 5 months or so we've had sex maybe 4 times. I've spoken with him about it as it is he who is uninterested, and he told me that he is stressed at work, told me he still finds me attractive, etc.
Last night he went out and stayed out later than expected, so I checked he was okay before I headed to bed. He came home before I fell asleep and I admit, I was in a bit of a bad mood because I needed his help to shut the windows (long story) and I'm not going to see him much in the next 2 weeks so was looking forward to having an hour or so together. Either way, he went downstairs to watch TV or something and I went to sleep.
At some point he came in with his phone light on, I tried to fall back to sleep. Some time later, I woke up as there was light in the room and the bed was rocking somewhat. I stirred and he turned his phone off and stopped moving, so I tried to go back to sleep. But a few seconds later the room lit up again so I turned my head and it looked like he was on Facebook. Then he started wanking again and I could see that it was some porn site.
I sat up and he abruptly turned his phone off. I asked him what he was watching and he said he wasn't watching anything.
Maybe I should have left it at that (I don't particularly mind if he watches porn sometimes, but it does upset me if he hasn't been intimate with me at all). Instead I said "please don't lie - what were you watching?"
He kept saying he wasn't watching anything, that he was asleep, etc. I turned the light on and asked why he was lying to me, that I knew he was watching porn and why couldn't he just say that? He denied it a few more times until I said that I had seen it and woke up because the bed was moving, and he finally said that he was watching it.
I was upset that he had lied to me (especially considering we've had sex once in the last 3 weeks and that was after a night when I got upset and cried about our lack of intimacy - - not just sex but hugging, kissing, etc.), and I said that I was a bit upset and was worried that he would rather watch porn than have sex with me. He said "well you were asleep and if I had woken you up you would have been angry with me."
This really upset me as I felt like I was being used as the cause of him using porn rather than the fact that he was horny, so I asked again why he lied about it, and he didn't respond. As I lay there my mind started thinking of how many nights I've lain there while he has his back to me and doesn't even hug me goodnight, or the times I've initiated sex and he's not been interested, of how I've become concerned that he doesn't find me attractive anymore (pregnant, no job, blahblah), and I started saying to him, quite upset, that this was what I was worried about, and he just lay there saying nothing.
Then I raised my voice in desperation and he said "I'm not going to respond to any of this" and when I got more upset (and maybe a bit hysterical, in hindsight), he was completely impassive. I said that something must be wrong if I'm there wondering whether I am enough for him and he has absolutely nothing to say about it, that I am now wondering if every night once I've fallen asleep he's been using porn to get off, that there's no wonder he's not interested in me when I am not like whatever he is watching, that I'm worried he doesn't love or feel attracted to me and he is just silent.
He said "next time I'll wake you up and you will be mad at me for that, you'll be mad at me whatever" and I completely lost it and said I wanted him to go and sleep downstairs because I felt really sick and he obviously didn't care about me. He said no, I asked him again and he said "no, I am going to lie here and go to sleep."
So I got up and took my stuff to go downstairs and said as I was leaving the room that I felt really hurt that he had nothing at all to say to me, and he started shouting at me, telling me that this is why he doesn't feel like approaching me, because I am always angry and snap at him for everything and he goes to work every day and I don't appreciate anything he does around the house, and he comes home and gets yelled at for all the things he hasn't done. He was getting increasingly enraged, clenching his fists and yelling, and I said 'if you're that angry then hit me' because I felt threatened and upset and wanted it to stop and for us to both calm down and see the ridiculousness of the situation. Instead he kept on yelling, and when I said if we could just say how we feel about one another then maybe this would be okay, and that of course it was all my fault, and I was trying to close the door (less likely for 6 yr old to wake up) and he was propping it open and trying to stop me going downstairs. I threw my glass of water on him and went downstairs.
I know my reaction was probably way over the top, I know I should probably have either tried not to be bothered by the porn, or about the lying, but I feel like if he can't be honest and say "I was horny and didn't want to wake you up', instead of lying to my face, and not even that, but to then have zero words when I am obviously very upset and saying I feel like I'm not attractive to him, not even to say 'don't be silly', literally he turned his back on me and said nothing, then what in hell is the state of our relationship?
I have been more impatient than usual recently, probably because it's boiling hot, I'm due in 8 weeks, have been sliding back into signs of depression (am seeing therapist to try and help this), and although he sometimes cooks (maybe once a week), I do everything else around the house. I thank him when he does things, and yes, I sometimes might comment on him leaving his dirty socks or clothes all over the house, but I don't nag him about it and I think it is a valid thing to comment on - I'm not his mother or a cleaning lady, he is a grown man and could at least put his dirty clothes in the laundry hamper and his beer caps and sweet wrappers in the bin.
I feel really hurt, but oddly instead of feeling sick to my stomach as I usually would after an argument like this, I feel slightly amused. Not that the situation is funny, I think it is maybe a coping mechanism. Yes I overreacted (did I?) but then a few words from him could have helped me see he does love and care for me. Instead I got the silence - the silence that I have had a few times before when I have lost it completely about lack of affection in our relationship (has happened a few times - not related to porn just in general, and usually afterwards we have a conversation and he says that he realises he has not been showing he cares about me and makes an effort to be more physical in terms of closeness etc.)
The thing is, I really don't know what to do. I am currently on the sofa, know i need to sleep, but my mind is whirring and I don't know how to approach this in the morning. He is working from home so we would feasibly have some time to talk about it, though I doubt very much that he will instigate or want to discuss it. Do I just leave it, and pretend nothing happened? I feel hurt that he lied, hurt that he had no words or actions of comfort or reassurance, and hurt that this was then laid on me as an apparently non-grateful wife who according to him is always complaining and yelling about things.
Deep down I know that I am not like that all the time, though I admit I probably react badly to small things that I should ignore (put millionth bottle cap in the bin, clear food away, tidy away the socks left lying around and stuff all over the table without commenting on it). There are obviously things that he is not communicating to me, such as how he feels about work and this not being recognised (not sure how much more I can recognise and be thankful about it - I say it to him at least once a week that I am proud of him and know his work is stressful, that being the sole breadwinner is hard, etc.), and I am not sure what to do about that. He is not that good at showing his feelings - probably why I can often get to feeling that I don't matter to him - but how to work on this (both his lack of communication and my reactions)?
Am I just being stupid? Am I a horrible nagging, ungrateful wife who should be happy her husband was using porn rather than waking her up? (You know, I would actually love it if he woke me up for sex - at least we'd be having some! There was a time a few years ago when it seemed like he always wanted sex just after I fell asleep and I eventually asked if he was more attracted to me when he couldn't see me and that I loved having sex with him but needed more sleep, so I can only assume his comment was related to that. He hasn't woken me up with burning desire in at least 18 months).