Husband lied about watching porn then blamed it on me

[titihood]

I now cannot sleep and am hoping for some advice on how to deal with this tomorrow...
My husband and I have been together for over 9 years, we have a child and are expecting a baby in 8 weeks. Our sex life has its ups and downs but it usually good, however for the past 5 months or so we've had sex maybe 4 times. I've spoken with him about it as it is he who is uninterested, and he told me that he is stressed at work, told me he still finds me attractive, etc.

Last night he went out and stayed out later than expected, so I checked he was okay before I headed to bed. He came home before I fell asleep and I admit, I was in a bit of a bad mood because I needed his help to shut the windows (long story) and I'm not going to see him much in the next 2 weeks so was looking forward to having an hour or so together. Either way, he went downstairs to watch TV or something and I went to sleep.
At some point he came in with his phone light on, I tried to fall back to sleep. Some time later, I woke up as there was light in the room and the bed was rocking somewhat. I stirred and he turned his phone off and stopped moving, so I tried to go back to sleep. But a few seconds later the room lit up again so I turned my head and it looked like he was on Facebook. Then he started wanking again and I could see that it was some porn site.

I sat up and he abruptly turned his phone off. I asked him what he was watching and he said he wasn't watching anything.

Maybe I should have left it at that (I don't particularly mind if he watches porn sometimes, but it does upset me if he hasn't been intimate with me at all). Instead I said "please don't lie - what were you watching?"

He kept saying he wasn't watching anything, that he was asleep, etc. I turned the light on and asked why he was lying to me, that I knew he was watching porn and why couldn't he just say that? He denied it a few more times until I said that I had seen it and woke up because the bed was moving, and he finally said that he was watching it.

I was upset that he had lied to me (especially considering we've had sex once in the last 3 weeks and that was after a night when I got upset and cried about our lack of intimacy - - not just sex but hugging, kissing, etc.), and I said that I was a bit upset and was worried that he would rather watch porn than have sex with me. He said "well you were asleep and if I had woken you up you would have been angry with me."
This really upset me as I felt like I was being used as the cause of him using porn rather than the fact that he was horny, so I asked again why he lied about it, and he didn't respond. As I lay there my mind started thinking of how many nights I've lain there while he has his back to me and doesn't even hug me goodnight, or the times I've initiated sex and he's not been interested, of how I've become concerned that he doesn't find me attractive anymore (pregnant, no job, blahblah), and I started saying to him, quite upset, that this was what I was worried about, and he just lay there saying nothing.

Then I raised my voice in desperation and he said "I'm not going to respond to any of this" and when I got more upset (and maybe a bit hysterical, in hindsight), he was completely impassive. I said that something must be wrong if I'm there wondering whether I am enough for him and he has absolutely nothing to say about it, that I am now wondering if every night once I've fallen asleep he's been using porn to get off, that there's no wonder he's not interested in me when I am not like whatever he is watching, that I'm worried he doesn't love or feel attracted to me and he is just silent.

He said "next time I'll wake you up and you will be mad at me for that, you'll be mad at me whatever" and I completely lost it and said I wanted him to go and sleep downstairs because I felt really sick and he obviously didn't care about me. He said no, I asked him again and he said "no, I am going to lie here and go to sleep."

So I got up and took my stuff to go downstairs and said as I was leaving the room that I felt really hurt that he had nothing at all to say to me, and he started shouting at me, telling me that this is why he doesn't feel like approaching me, because I am always angry and snap at him for everything and he goes to work every day and I don't appreciate anything he does around the house, and he comes home and gets yelled at for all the things he hasn't done. He was getting increasingly enraged, clenching his fists and yelling, and I said 'if you're that angry then hit me' because I felt threatened and upset and wanted it to stop and for us to both calm down and see the ridiculousness of the situation. Instead he kept on yelling, and when I said if we could just say how we feel about one another then maybe this would be okay, and that of course it was all my fault, and I was trying to close the door (less likely for 6 yr old to wake up) and he was propping it open and trying to stop me going downstairs. I threw my glass of water on him and went downstairs.

I know my reaction was probably way over the top, I know I should probably have either tried not to be bothered by the porn, or about the lying, but I feel like if he can't be honest and say "I was horny and didn't want to wake you up', instead of lying to my face, and not even that, but to then have zero words when I am obviously very upset and saying I feel like I'm not attractive to him, not even to say 'don't be silly', literally he turned his back on me and said nothing, then what in hell is the state of our relationship?

I have been more impatient than usual recently, probably because it's boiling hot, I'm due in 8 weeks, have been sliding back into signs of depression (am seeing therapist to try and help this), and although he sometimes cooks (maybe once a week), I do everything else around the house. I thank him when he does things, and yes, I sometimes might comment on him leaving his dirty socks or clothes all over the house, but I don't nag him about it and I think it is a valid thing to comment on - I'm not his mother or a cleaning lady, he is a grown man and could at least put his dirty clothes in the laundry hamper and his beer caps and sweet wrappers in the bin.

I feel really hurt, but oddly instead of feeling sick to my stomach as I usually would after an argument like this, I feel slightly amused. Not that the situation is funny, I think it is maybe a coping mechanism. Yes I overreacted (did I?) but then a few words from him could have helped me see he does love and care for me. Instead I got the silence - the silence that I have had a few times before when I have lost it completely about lack of affection in our relationship (has happened a few times - not related to porn just in general, and usually afterwards we have a conversation and he says that he realises he has not been showing he cares about me and makes an effort to be more physical in terms of closeness etc.)

The thing is, I really don't know what to do. I am currently on the sofa, know i need to sleep, but my mind is whirring and I don't know how to approach this in the morning. He is working from home so we would feasibly have some time to talk about it, though I doubt very much that he will instigate or want to discuss it. Do I just leave it, and pretend nothing happened? I feel hurt that he lied, hurt that he had no words or actions of comfort or reassurance, and hurt that this was then laid on me as an apparently non-grateful wife who according to him is always complaining and yelling about things.
Deep down I know that I am not like that all the time, though I admit I probably react badly to small things that I should ignore (put millionth bottle cap in the bin, clear food away, tidy away the socks left lying around and stuff all over the table without commenting on it). There are obviously things that he is not communicating to me, such as how he feels about work and this not being recognised (not sure how much more I can recognise and be thankful about it - I say it to him at least once a week that I am proud of him and know his work is stressful, that being the sole breadwinner is hard, etc.), and I am not sure what to do about that. He is not that good at showing his feelings - probably why I can often get to feeling that I don't matter to him - but how to work on this (both his lack of communication and my reactions)?

Am I just being stupid? Am I a horrible nagging, ungrateful wife who should be happy her husband was using porn rather than waking her up? (You know, I would actually love it if he woke me up for sex - at least we'd be having some! There was a time a few years ago when it seemed like he always wanted sex just after I fell asleep and I eventually asked if he was more attracted to me when he couldn't see me and that I loved having sex with him but needed more sleep, so I can only assume his comment was related to that. He hasn't woken me up with burning desire in at least 18 months).

I meant to add that I feel ashamed that I threw half a glass of water on him, and am not really sure why I did it other than that I was scared and wanted him to calm down.... It was a terrible thing to do and I am sure has only made the situation a lot worse

Not sure where to start. Firstly I think he was an inconsiderate asshat to be wanking over porn lying next to you in bed. He should have apologised for that and instead he was defensive. It is understandable that you were emotional and think the biggest issue is the lack of intimacy - cuddles, hugs, kindness. That would be my focus when you are both calmer. It almost sounds like he is withdrawing from the relationship and he needs to be honest about his feelings.

I think most people would be embarrassed and defensive if caught in the act of watching porn, and honestly I think I would lie too in those circumstances, but there are obviously much bigger issues if your relationship lacks intimacy or affection and he doesn't care when you are upset or expressing concerns.

I think you need a serious discussion when you are both calm as you certainly have justifiable concerns that need resolving before the baby arrives as that will apply added pressure.

Sorry but you shouted at your husband because he wasn't having sex with you, and while I have every sympathy for how devastating that rejection is you know exactly how bad that is. The shutting down and not reacting you describe is very familiar to me, it's a response to being yelled at. The shields just come up and you really don't feel like comforting the person who's laying in to you. Then you feel slighted by his lack of reaction and dial up the drama - I always wondered if it's just to get a reaction that shows that he cares? I hesitate to use the A word as I feel it is often overused, but if I used it it would not be to be hurtful but to ask you to look at how your behaviour could look from his perspective.

And there is nothing wrong with masturbating discreetly in your own bed, whether or not you are satisfied with how often he is putting out. We all know exactly how that would go with the gendered reversed.

Sorry, I think you went way OTT.

I think it was very rude to masturbate next to you without you knowing.

However, your shouting in the middle of the night, making hit me comments and throwing water over him was not on. Expecting it's the pregnancy hormones but that's pretty unpleasant to be on the receiving end of.

We see all these threads all the time about awful husbands who don't pull their weight or make an effort and they're wondering why their wife isn't interested in sex. Here we have a (self admitted) nagging wife who's upset her husband would rather have a quick wank than wake up a wife who has just had a go at him? Why would he think you were up for sex? Why would he want it? If the genders were reversed he would be getting told to shut up and put up and start being nicer to his wife.

Wanking next to you is grim. He should have done it in the loo.

But fuck me, did you ever escalate it to scary proportions. "Hit me"??? Jesus.

Hmm I disagree there is nothing more soul destroying than being in a relationship which lacks intimacy.

My XP stopped all sex after I got pregnant and never showed an interest again. He did however wank (all the time!) to porn.

I felt ugly and as if my pregnant body was disgusting to him. The lack of affection (and the porn addiction) killed our relationship.
I can remember feeling sooo angry, shouting etc. It came from a place of deep hurt. For you

Do think goading him to hit you was out of order though, you should apologise for that (and the water)

Maddogs Having been in a sexless relationship for years, I get where you're coming from but the OP says their sex life has it's ups and downs but is usually good and they've had sex 4 times in the last 5 months (while pregnant) and the last time three weeks ago - and that time because she got all upset (can you imagine what a woman would be told if they only had sex with their man to appease him because he was upset?). This sounds more like a temporary drought than a real sexless relationship, throwing in her depression and pregnancy hormones on top.

However, her reaction was far from acceptable and if a man reacted as she did and went so far as to demand their partner slept elsewhere, encourage someone to hit them and throw water in their face, they'd be handed their arse on a plate.

True shatners probably hit a bit close to home for me. I lasted four years like that and it was soul destroying.

Maddogs I lasted 5 years. What the OP describes is nothing like what you and I went through I suggest.

I think on rereading you are correct shatner

Must add now have a 'normal' life with DF

OP, I'm really sorry you haven't had a lot of support here. I can completely understand how distressing this argument must have been for you.

There's a few issues at play here which really need to be addressed separately. The first is your sexual intimacy with your DH. Was it like this before you got pregnant? Sex during pregnancy can be a bit of a minefield. There's lots of reasons why a man might go off sex a bit when their partner is pregnant - they might feel weird about the baby being present, they might be stressed and anxious, they might have subconscious associations around pregnancy that make arousal difficultly, etc etc. I had a very difficult first pregnancy and my DH's protective instinct went into overdrive - he didn't want to have sex with me because he just wanted to look after me. And I know that's what it is because I'm now in my second pregnancy which has been much easier and sex is better than ever! Unfortunately, if you're anything like me, no matter what the reason actually is, the woman will often assume it's because their partner is repulsed by their pregnant body. And it's hard enough adjusting to your own body changes without feeling like your partner is turned off by it. I can completely understand why you're hurting over this, especially at a time when you probably need the comfort and reassurance of physical touch more than ever. You need to talk to your DH about this - calmly and non-accusatorially - and figure out what's going on. Only that way will you be able to reach a compromise that works for you both.

The second is the masturbation thing. Mumsnet will tell you that you're not allowed to have negative feelings about your partner masturbating and that's just not true. I would be completely gutted to wake up to find my DH masturbating to porn next to me. Different couples set different boundaries and I think that's so important - that you're explicit about it and reach an agreement that you're both satisfied with. Maybe it's that masturbation is fine but in private, or that it should be secondary to your sex life and only happen after the other person has declined to have sex. Or that masturbation is okay but porn isn't. There's so many different ways to address the issue - you just have to talk about it.

The third issue is how this argument escalated, and you're absolutely both at fault here. These kind of histrionics - threatening violence, preventing people from leaving rooms, throwing water, storming off to sleep elsewhere - aren't productive and are best left to teenagers exploring how relationships work (or don't work!). I can thoroughly recommend working through 'productive disagreement' with a couple's counsellor - they'll teach you how to address conflict in a way which leads to resolution and means you and your partner work as a team to reach the same end goal, even when you have totally opposing views.

I also think at some stage you should be addressing the imbalance of domestic duties in the house, but again, that's for each couple to decide for themselves.

I hope you make things up with your DH. If it were me, I would approach him with a heartfelt and honest apology - for the water, for telling him to hit you, for storming off etc - and try to outline calmly and compassionately why you were upset. Remember that ultimately you both want the same thing - a happy, fulfilling marriage. You just need to work out what that looks like for you both.

OP I think you're getting a little bit of a hard time on here. I think wanking to porn in bed next to your sleeping partner is grim & inconsiderate. Particularly when you know your partner is unhappy about the lack of intimacy in your relationship. Go do it in the toilet if you need to, ffs.

I hope you can have a calm & productive conversation about this with your DH later. It sounds like you're having a very hard time.

Hi OP, I really feel for you. If he needs to relieve himself, go elsewhere. As for being subtle, the bed was rocking people!
OP, you are pregnant, exhausted and feeling poo. That's apart from any intimacy issues! I am not surprised you popped. I had an ignoring partner once and I too said "hit me". It would have been a blessed relief in my mind at that time to show me what he really felt, so I get that. X

I know I overreacted to what happened, but I am really surprised to be told that I am to blame for him not being interested in me because I am a nagging, horrible wife. This morning I added it to the list of things to hate about myself, but upon reflection I know I don't deserve that.

Yes, sometimes I snap at him for not cleaning up after himself - does this make me some kind of monster? People's libidos change all the time, and I wasn't blaming him for not being interested - I was and am concerned about it and have spoken to him about it. As some of you have commented, being heavily pregnant does not exactly make you feel like the sexiest woman alive, and when you are often ignored, rarely given a hug let alone anything more intimate from your partner, those feelings are intensified.

I am not mad that he was relieving himself to porn - I was upset that he was doing it in bed beside me while I slept, while having basically had next to no sexual relations or any other form of intimacy with me for months. If the tables were turned, I would say he would have every reason to feel upset, hurt, and a little betrayed. Why not go and wank in the bathroom, or another room in the house? It is not like our bedroom is the only place he could do it.

Beelzebop, thank you for your kind words. I am shocked that I told him to hit me, but it is exactly like you said - I wanted him to actually show or tell me how he felt, and at that time it felt like even getting hit would have at least been some sort of communication and a relief from what I have been going through, off and on, for about 7 years. Most of the time things are fine, but they do tend to slide into me being ignored and feeling unloved. This is a greater issue that we have spoken about on a number of occasions, but only when I get to breaking point and start crying or screaming with futility and the awfulness of how I feel.

Your advice is really welcome, peachgreen. I don't remember much of how we were with my last pregnancy, other than that he was depressed and I often felt very alone because of that. This time around the pregnancy was planned and he said before I became pregnant that he found me very attractive in that state. Things change of course when they become reality, and I am not angry with him for lack of intimacy, just upset and concerned and would like to at least have a hug or a kiss every now and then, or just be held for a few moments. Trying not to cry while typing this.

Our arguments are never normally like this. I have never yelled at him to the extent I did last night, sometimes we may raise our voices but 99% of the time we come to some sort of conclusion or resolve at the end of it. I have only ever once slept in another room due to an argument, but that was because I felt sick to my stomach thinking all kinds of horrible thoughts about how I thought he felt about me, and didn't want to disturb him in my lack of sleep. Last night I left the room because I didn't want to keep arguing with him and was getting increasingly desperate emotionally and mentally and knew neither of us would sleep well. Yes, I wanted him to leave the room as I am not in the most comfortable state in the sweltering heat with a massive baby bump, but I do see that that was unreasonable of me and I shouldn't have asked him to sleep elsewhere.

I think couples counselling could be good for us in terms of communication as evidently neither of us are doing that great of a job of it!

I apologised to him this morning for overreacting and being irrational, and he apologised for lying to me about what he was doing. This has at least cleared the air but we need a bigger talk about it to unravel things - which is unlikely to happen as we are away at a family gathering all weekend and he has a busy week of work before he is away next weekend then he is out of the country after that for 10 days. I could try and write to him about it (done this before in similar time-pressed circumstances), but if the past is anything to go by it is highly unlikely to get a response, which will make me feel more upset and isolated and quite frankly some days I am hanging by a thin enough thread as it is.

good lord OP you are not to blame at all. Don't understand other posters so Ill presume its never happened to them.

when I was pregnant I found highly offensive porn and apparently it was my fault because of being pregnant and all. What a load of shit. Used to feel the bed moving and of course he was wanking.
Obviously we must be cool about that shit. a man must do what he must tripe. Highly offensive to anyone I say.

Thanks OP, I hope you two are able to resolve this. Sounds like a lot of stress going on really, always puts pressure on xx.

I know I overreacted to what happened, but I am really surprised to be told that I am to blame for him not being interested in me because I am a nagging, horrible wife. This morning I added it to the list of things to hate about myself, but upon reflection I know I don't deserve that

This sentence says an awful lot about you. You must be very difficult to live with.

OP, I think he has the potential to be physically abusive to you.

And he expects you to thank him for cooking the odd meal and working?! Does he thank you for doing 99% of housework and picking uo his stinky socks? Stop thanking him and stop picking up after him.

I would leave him.

He sounds like a deadset cunt, to me.

I don't really care either way about porn, but the way he wouldn't respond until you got almost hysterical, and then blamed it on you, is chilling.

Can you see this getting better?

He laid next to his pregnant wife in bed, wanking over porn on his phone?

I'd be off.