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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This time i had enough, one minute he wants a family with me next minute i am the reason for everything that goes wrong in his life

47 replies

cookiemonsterme · 06/07/2017 12:30

Hello. A bit of information before I get to what happened yesterday. I am with DP for nearly two years. He has sort temper and he can explode over small things. I honestly think that the only feeling he is comfortable with, is anger, everything and anything makes him angry. Many times he brakes things, the other day he broke his phone and apparently it was all my fault because I made him do it. He is also the sort of person that will never take responsibility for anything he says /does , it is always someone else's fault someone made him do it and this someone most of the time is me.
Sometime ago he decided to move to pursue a career. He already had a job in that field but he was under supervision. In order to get his proper license he has to work certain hours . Everyone was telling him at the time that he should stay and finish his hours but apparently his boss didn't appreciate him enough and wasn't giving him the opportunities he deserved(his words not mine)
Fast forward 8 months, he hasn't found a job in his field yet . I am always supportive, I try to encourage him (his family are upset with him) , I always tell him to go give his cv in companies on his field even if they don't hire just now etc. He has a job now that he hates because his boss is against him and he is trying to make him look bad (his words not mine), In all honesty I don't think that he knows what he wants, one moment he will say he wants to pursue a career in his field next moment he wants to change education next moment something else.
From my side it doesn't matter what job he does, I am just trying to support him in any decision and am trying to lift his spirit when he gets disappointed
Yesterday he spoke to an old friend of his .His friend has now a career and a family and i think that this is affected him. He told me how he wants this for us etc and I said that no ones life is perfect so he shouldn't compare himself to his friend and feel less. He thanked me for the support .
By the night he was disappointed with his job and life and he turned it all against me. He said that if it wasn't for me he would have the career now and that he hasn't because he is thinking of me (?????). He said that he feels depressed and that I lock him in a cage and that's why he missed all the opportunities. He also said that the money he is saving so we can live together he could spend them on an education and a new career. I asked him what I do to him and he said that he used to enjoy going out for night walks and that he used to go shopping for hours but now he is spending his hours with me and he don't have the time to find the he he wants. I reminded him that he is the one that demands me to be with him from the moment I finish work and that he is the one that demands from me to sort my life around his schedule. I also told him that the way he feels is very bad, it shouldn't be this way and if he feels like this then he can do what he needs without worry about me. His reply was that he is in that for so long he doesn't know how to be different( thats not him, he is the cockiest person you d ever meet not a victim ) and he is afraid that if he does this I will do the same
To me this is just him trying to find someone to blame for his life decisions because he can never be wrong. But its very serious to hear all this, I need some advice please

OP posts:
notanurse2017 · 06/07/2017 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loopytiles · 06/07/2017 12:32

Whatever you do don't have a child with this angry loser.

Read "Why does he do that" by lundy bancroft.

jeaux90 · 06/07/2017 12:33

Christ on a bike. Leave. You seriously can not have kids with this guy.

Loopytiles · 06/07/2017 12:33

You have missed a lot of "red flags" and seem very focused on "supporting" someone who is very clearly not going to be a good partner to you.

ShatnersWig · 06/07/2017 12:35

You don't need advice. You just need to end this relationship immediately if not sooner,

RebornSlippy · 06/07/2017 12:36

My advice? Leave him. Life is too, too short to put up with this nonsense.

user1471464232 · 06/07/2017 12:37

If you had a crystal ball to see your future with this man, things would look very bleak indeed. He will blame you for all his shortcomings and never appreciate any support you provide.
If you think it's wearing now, how do you think you will feel in 10, 15, 20 years? Especially when kids are involved! Will he shout and yell at them, then blame you for not raising them correctly?

You deserve better x

Bloomed · 06/07/2017 12:38

Don't waste any more time on him.

fruitbrewhaha · 06/07/2017 12:41

I didn't even get past the first paragraph before being convinced that you do not need this twat in your life.
I rarely see things as being so black and white on MN. It is completely clear that he is not a good partner, he blames you for his problems and mistakes.

He sounds incredibly childish.

ElspethFlashman · 06/07/2017 12:41

You've completely wasted two years. Don't waste another.

Ask yourself why you apparently deserve so little. Do you honestly think he's the best you could ever do?

Justhadmyhaircut · 06/07/2017 12:43

If he was your df would you be gutted??
If he was your dd bf would you support her or persuade her to run for the hills??

SignoraStronza · 06/07/2017 12:45

Oh my goodness, he sounds just like my ex. Falls out with each new boss that comes along (although always starts off promisingly), making everything my fault, the inability to make a decision, the anger, the throwing things, the superior attitude....
Does he tell you what you are thinking too? Mine always raged about 'if I do this you will say that, you think I am that, you will do this' etc...
Bloody exhausting.
Don't make the mistake I did. Leave and don't have a child together.

LastOneDancing · 06/07/2017 12:52

It's not your job to sort his life out for him. Only he can stop whining and put the work in.

I'd reign in the 'trying to understand & lift his spirits' & tell him to grow up.

Have a think about what you want for the rest of your life & whether tying yourself to this person is a wise move for you, or a baby.

Nestofvipers · 06/07/2017 12:57

To me this is just him trying to find someone to blame for his life decisions because he can never be wrong.

Your instinct with that is absolutely right. If you stay with him it'll only get worse and you'll be blamed for everything he perceives as having gone wrong in his life. My advice: leave and leave now.

Wormulonian · 06/07/2017 13:09

Leave and run far and afst. Do not have DC with this guy - he will drag both you an dthem down - it will always all be your fault

squishysquirmy · 06/07/2017 13:12

Run.

If he thinks you are ruining his life (you're not, btw) then he will be much happier without you.
I am certain your life will improve without him.
Win-Win!

0ccamsRazor · 06/07/2017 13:16

Why are you with him Op?

He doesn't sound as though he loves and respects you.

CJCreggsGoldfish · 06/07/2017 13:18

I didn't get past your first couple of sentences before saying 'run'. Imagine being a child growing up with such an angry father. He won't change.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 06/07/2017 13:29

Honestly, you could be describing my ex. Terminally, catastrophically angry, and always, always the victim. It was always someone else's fault, someone else's problem, someone else ruining his opportunities and holding him back.

The anger was turned on me countless times. He was violent and abusive, but again, that was all my fault too. He'd post statuses on Facebook saying things like 'All women are sluts'. He messaged a friend of mine after she'd called him out on his online behaviour towards me, saying he was glad she'd been raped as a child. He accused my parents of being paedophiles.

I didn't know I was pregnant til I was nearly 5 months gone. Whilst I could never regret DS1, I bitterly regret not leaving my ex when alarm bells first began to ring, before I turned into a shell of myself.

Run.

Isetan · 06/07/2017 13:41

I'm confused, why would having a child with this man even be a consideration? Seriously woman, what is it about this angry man who fails to take responsibility for his actions, screams good father potential?

In two years he hasn't changed and you haven't changed him, so what's the plan? Are you going to continue to bang your head against the wall or are you going to mix it up with some handwringing?

Too much of your time has been spent trying to 'fix' him and not enough of your time, has been spent asking why.

TheNaze73 · 06/07/2017 15:24

He sounds horrendous.

I'll be staggered if you get any advice other than to run

averylongtimeago · 06/07/2017 16:32

Well he has shown you what he is like, is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is that how you want to live when you have children?

Thought not.

Sorry, but this ones not a keeper.

AyeAmarok · 06/07/2017 16:38

Leave the bastard.

This will never, EVER, be a happy relationship.

BorisTrumpsHair · 06/07/2017 16:50

dump and run.
never look back

rightwhine · 06/07/2017 16:56

As soon as you said everything was always your fault, the other four fifths of the thread was unnecessary. It was already immediately obvious that this is not a mutually respectful, healthy relationship.

Get out now and get some counselling or read up on healthy boundaries. You don't seem to have many if you've taken this crap for so long. At least your eyes are opening now.