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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This time i had enough, one minute he wants a family with me next minute i am the reason for everything that goes wrong in his life

47 replies

cookiemonsterme · 06/07/2017 12:30

Hello. A bit of information before I get to what happened yesterday. I am with DP for nearly two years. He has sort temper and he can explode over small things. I honestly think that the only feeling he is comfortable with, is anger, everything and anything makes him angry. Many times he brakes things, the other day he broke his phone and apparently it was all my fault because I made him do it. He is also the sort of person that will never take responsibility for anything he says /does , it is always someone else's fault someone made him do it and this someone most of the time is me.
Sometime ago he decided to move to pursue a career. He already had a job in that field but he was under supervision. In order to get his proper license he has to work certain hours . Everyone was telling him at the time that he should stay and finish his hours but apparently his boss didn't appreciate him enough and wasn't giving him the opportunities he deserved(his words not mine)
Fast forward 8 months, he hasn't found a job in his field yet . I am always supportive, I try to encourage him (his family are upset with him) , I always tell him to go give his cv in companies on his field even if they don't hire just now etc. He has a job now that he hates because his boss is against him and he is trying to make him look bad (his words not mine), In all honesty I don't think that he knows what he wants, one moment he will say he wants to pursue a career in his field next moment he wants to change education next moment something else.
From my side it doesn't matter what job he does, I am just trying to support him in any decision and am trying to lift his spirit when he gets disappointed
Yesterday he spoke to an old friend of his .His friend has now a career and a family and i think that this is affected him. He told me how he wants this for us etc and I said that no ones life is perfect so he shouldn't compare himself to his friend and feel less. He thanked me for the support .
By the night he was disappointed with his job and life and he turned it all against me. He said that if it wasn't for me he would have the career now and that he hasn't because he is thinking of me (?????). He said that he feels depressed and that I lock him in a cage and that's why he missed all the opportunities. He also said that the money he is saving so we can live together he could spend them on an education and a new career. I asked him what I do to him and he said that he used to enjoy going out for night walks and that he used to go shopping for hours but now he is spending his hours with me and he don't have the time to find the he he wants. I reminded him that he is the one that demands me to be with him from the moment I finish work and that he is the one that demands from me to sort my life around his schedule. I also told him that the way he feels is very bad, it shouldn't be this way and if he feels like this then he can do what he needs without worry about me. His reply was that he is in that for so long he doesn't know how to be different( thats not him, he is the cockiest person you d ever meet not a victim ) and he is afraid that if he does this I will do the same
To me this is just him trying to find someone to blame for his life decisions because he can never be wrong. But its very serious to hear all this, I need some advice please

OP posts:
pog100 · 06/07/2017 16:58

even your title makes it glaringly obvious what you have to do. Everything else would be stupidity.

cookiemonsterme · 06/07/2017 22:59

Thank you all for the replies. Yes certainly it seem stupid to plan a life with someone like this , i would say the same if it was a friend or family member in this situation. When i first met him he was different, well probably hiding the bad parts of himself. Gradually he became worse and worse and i though few times of leaving but every time i do he becomes his "nice " self again. However the yesterdays incident somehow affected me too much and i feel unable to move on from this as i did with everything else he has said/done. Blaming me for what he perceives as failures in life and for decisions he made before he even met me its totally ridiculous . Today after i posted here, i received few long text messages asking me why i didnt message him for goodmorning today and that i am probably hurt. He half apologized (i know is a text but after so many times that i being there done that i am almost certain the apology isnt genuine) telling me how stressed he is etc. Because i didnt reply to this ( he is expecting every time that he will "apologize" and i will magically forget everything ) he sent me a message complaining and now he is not talking to me because "he is hurt by my behavior". I need to keep repeating to myself that no matter what he does or say i wont fall for his bs , i am so exhausted, its like a 5 years old trapped in a mans body

OP posts:
Onecutefox · 06/07/2017 23:14

You need to leave him really. It's not working for him and neither for you. Two years and he already blames you for all sort of things. He is also a very envious person if success of his friends afdects him that much.

BlueNeighbourhood · 06/07/2017 23:24

It's then attention. Once it's not him forcing the silence he's realising he's losing his grip on you hence trying to switch it back and say that he's hurt by your behaviour. You can guarantee tomorrow you'll wake up to a message asking if you're okay and acting like nothing has happened.

You can also guarantee he'll have behaved this way in relationships before. Leave him before you end up trapped.

ohfourfoxache · 07/07/2017 09:28

Jesus Christ, get rid of this self obsessed loser Shock

AnyFucker · 07/07/2017 09:33

He will always be a loser that blames others for his inadequacy

End it and find someone who doesn't treat you like his emotional punching bag

Patchouli666 · 07/07/2017 10:48

Has he been to the GP and asked fir a psychiatric evaluation? He sounds like he has borderline personality disorder. This can get better. He cannot do it on his own though, he will need someone qualified with a specific interest in bpd

Itsseweasy · 07/07/2017 11:55

Why aren't you already out of this sham of a relationship?
You can do so, so, so much better!

We are all here to support you when you leave him Flowers

SeekingSugar · 07/07/2017 12:01

Come on, leave. You can do it! Pack a bag and go. Then update.

AnyFucker · 07/07/2017 12:04

I wouldn't bother trying to medicalise this pathetic behaviour. Just get out and leave him to it. On the very small chance he realises he cannot maintain a healthy relationship, he can seek help on his own account.

MistressDeeCee · 07/07/2017 12:16

Please just get rid of this man. Honestly, life is way too short for all this crap, for people and their unkindness and angst who want to come along and dump it all on you. There are billions of men out there, there are kind ones amongst them too. No need for women to give their all to some no-mark who blames his failures on his own lifepartner.

Life flies. imagine in years to come the tears of regret that you wasted your years on someone like this, with nothing to show for it but bitter unhappiness

Aren't you tired already?! Do you really want Mr Angry as the father of your child?!!! Stop wasting time, get rid and get on with your life

cookiemonsterme · 07/07/2017 12:37

@Patchouli666

If i had to guess i would say that he is a text book narcissist. However this is only a guess, i very much doubt that he will ever visit a GP for a proper diagnosis because he never thinks that he does anything wrong , its always someone elses fault and he is perfect and smarter than anyone else.

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 07/07/2017 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cookiemonsterme · 07/07/2017 12:46

As for children, its sometime now that i am thinking that he would not make a good father. I just need sometime to absorb it all and plan an exit. Its not easy because i keep thinking of his "nice " self but sadly this is fake and i have to focus on the real him

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 07/07/2017 13:22

If he is a narc you'll end up as a single parent anyway (like me) or with damaged kids. It's no brainier to leave in my opinion.

glintwithpersperation · 07/07/2017 13:44

Jesus. Get away from this hideous man. He will not make you happy

SweetLuck · 07/07/2017 13:52

I lock him in a cage

Set him free.

LastOneDancing · 07/07/2017 14:41

I suspect the minute you walk away from this man-child, you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

Feilin · 07/07/2017 15:13

Honestly ? Text back that you are sorry but clearly things arent working out and that the pair of you should move on. I have an ex who told me after yrs of living together that he wanted to go for a night walk and did it every year on his birthday etc. He never did and never has done since . There were more similar red flags to yours. I eventually left. Sanity won out.

Atenco · 07/07/2017 15:22

They all have their nice side, OP, that is why we fall for them. But this man's unpleasant side is too much. Apart from the horror of him using you as an emotional punchbag, he will never learn anything, because he never sees his own responsability for things. So he will end up being boring when he is not being angry.

PoorYorick · 07/07/2017 15:49

Run.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/07/2017 16:10

There are worse things than being alone. This kind of relationship is one of them.

Supporting someone is fine...define support. He wants someone to hand him a golden egg on a silver platter just because he breathes. He won't do the grunt work and cries when others enjoy the fruits of their labor. No self awareness. No responsibility. No thinking brain-just angry lizard brain. This is insupportable.

Standing by your man is fine. But this bloke isn't a man; he's a rude beast.

Well done on your new communication style. But be careful too. It might be better to make a hidden plan and then a Katie Holmes style escape for your safety. He doesn't deserve any parting courtesies.

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