Did I do the wrong thing in raising this when I did? Or is he being a dick?

[Dieu]

Hi all. Technically speaking, this should be in AIBU I guess, but not sure I'm up to posting on there today!
My eldest turns 16 later in the summer. She is a lovely girl, with a good heart, but we have been having one or two issues with her, on an emotional level. She strikes me as being a bit lonely and vulnerable at times (she can find friendships difficult at times) but we are very close and I am here for her always.
Ex husband and I split about 4 years ago, and I am the resident parent. They left at the beginning of the week for a 2 week holiday with him. He can be fairly difficult to deal with, and despite the marriage breaking down because of his infidelity, has rebuffed my attempts to make things amicable for the sake of our children. I am not a mug though, and have pretty much stopped trying.
He is a very high earner, and has the unwavering arrogance of someone in control. Anyway, the day after they left, I was clearing the rubbish out of my daughter's handbag, which she had said I could borrow in her absence.
Inside, I found a Monogram money transfer, for £40 in cash, sent to a guy in Cameroon. This was sent by my daughter, from the post office. I got worried, as apart from the foolhardiness of it, our address and phone number were on the form ... as well as her full name.
I emailed my ex on the holiday, to explain what I had just discovered. I asked him to have a gentle (he can be reactive) chat with her about the stupidity and danger of getting involved with scams like that, and asked hm to please ascertain how she came to be in touch with this man in the first place. A wee word is all it would have taken, and then they could get on with enjoying their holiday. I felt it would be best to raise it as soon as the issue came up.
Here was his response:

Not sure why this is coming through to me on holiday, with tips and advice along with confirmation you are speaking to her on her return. While I am away hopefully the legals will be finalised and then we can proceed quickly with the divorce. Thank you.

I am so angry with myself for expecting a sensible, non passive-aggressive response. I should have known by now that it was never going to happen. And for still allowing him to make me feel like shit.

Giggling and crying Mags! Wouldn't you know it, he takes a bloody awesome tan!

What a dick!

I think I woud have replied along your lines too, but I also may have replied with, "ok, thanks" and nothing more. Just so he could spend a bit of time wondering a) was that meant for me? and b) what does she mean by that?

Giggling at that last sentence Sasha as I can really relate!

Unfortunately he treats me like I'm a completely hysterical bitch if I phrase anything along the lines of 'Not sure why I expected anything other than' ... And given that he can NEVER see my viewpoint, I'd rather not give him the satisfaction.

Thanks whats

He's too arrogant to waste time wondering about me, what I meant by such and such, etc. He would have no interest.
I think he definitely has narcissistic traits.
Thank God for Mumsnet

THe thing is, he will now probably talk to her about it, and then tell everyone it was because you were not capable of doing it and he has had to step in. Which will make you grind your teeth even more.

IN fact, I am grinding my teeth on your behalf already.

why didn't you wait? you know he is a dick, and he has showed that he is a dick

better than he starts being nice and you start to have pangs, look it it that way!

Ha ha! user If I didn't laugh, I'd cry.

I absolutely would have raised it straight away. I don't know where she has gone on holiday but it could be that this guy from Cameroon has asked her to send him money so he can go and meet her - who knows!?
Without wanting to scare OP she could be more vulnerable whilst abroad as she doesn't know her way around or perhaps where to ask for help etc
He is being a dick, absolutely. So he gets all the fun stuff like holidays and you get the day to day shit and deal with the practicalities of parenting? It's usually the way it seems to go.

He sounds awful. Sounds like he doesn't take any responsibility for the kids. Most dads would be horrified especially if their daughters are being conned for money! Anyway, I suppose you shouldn't have bothered telling him due to him being this way but you live and learn! Enjoy your divorce party you are well rid!

He is a dick towards me Stop but he is on the whole a good, loving dad.
Second sentence, you're dead right! At least in being how he is, there are no blurred boundaries or rose coloured specs.

Thanks!

I'm not sure why he shouldn't be expected to step up and have a word with her, in an emotionally intelligent way

From his reply it is very clear that he has no emotional intelligence, OP.

You're absolutely right there.

I don't think you did the wrong thing. I would have done the same.

Anyway, now you know he unequivocally is a dick, only interested in being a disney dad, and can proceed accordingly.

yeah, but why did you send the message while they were on holiday?

He wants to be fundad, fine, he's allowed to, he's on holiday but this isn't an issue you should leave to him to deal with as the first line of attack. YOU are the resident parent.

IMO you should have waited - spoken to her yourself privately - especially as you yourself said he's prone to overkill.

IF she didn't get it, you talk to him.

Even if she did get it, you then let him know what has happened and what you have done to resolve it and ask him if there is anything else he could suggest.

From here there is an element of you lobbing in crap stuff to ruin his time with his kids. If this happened with me and my set up, My OH wouldn't be happy and FWIW, it's exactly the kind of thing his ex would do.

What, out of interest, were you expecting him to do? How exactly did you expect him to behave or react? I'd suggest that you knew he'd be like this.

What would worry me is that he would just berate her about it.

Who knows what she might do whilst away-that's the problem.

If there was no possibility of contact whilst away, Op could have waited.

"Not sure why I expected anything other than a total lack of responsibility or understanding about parenting from you. Being on holiday doesn't mean you can take a break from parenting and divorcing me won't mean you stop needing to parent DD. While its reassuring to know you share my views about the divorce I find your lack of concern towards our daughter and her potentially being taken advantage of seriously worrying. Hopefully she won't have sent all her money to Cameroon while you're on this parenting break. Enjoy your holiday "*

WTAF?

this is idiotic advice. DONT send this, under any circumstances.

If the 15yo sends all her money to the cameroon, then that's her look out and she will learn something.

There needs to be a mega conversation with her when she gets back and a full explanation of what has happened and how he has made contact with her. All this PA tit for tat is just awful.

Bullshit hissy.

Even if she did get it, you then let him know what has happened and what you have done to resolve it and ask him if there is anything else he could suggest.

Are you having a laugh?

When you see signs that your teenage dd is in danger of being groomed or manipulated, and they're out of the country and probably still have internet access - why wouldn't you raise it with the other parent? Some of you could really sit back and relax for two weeks?!

You did the right thing OP, it's a shame your ex feels his affair magically absolved him of parenting responsibilities...

Exactly, BB. It's not the money at all, but the safety aspect of the whole thing.

Hipster - no it wasn't about letting him be the "fun dad". But he is the non resident parent so presumably less time with kids overall and I just don't think holidays were a good time to broach the subject.

Just as an aside , what are you going to do about this , apart from talking to your DD obviously?

Is there anyone that it can be reported to ?

I think you did the right thing op. My parents divorced when I was young but would have coparented on something like this. My own dad would have texted back to agree a way of handling it and then sent a follow up one saying how it went.

Of course a lot of parents don't manage this after divorce but that doesn't mean they shouldn't try!

Nanoo perhaps I got the terminology wrong. He has the children every second weekend, so I am the full-time, resident parent, in that they live with me the most. My place would be considered their home. Not sure if I expressed myself very well there, but he sees them relatively often.

CF, it's a very good question. I googled the man's name (it's on the Moneygram form) and although he has a few aliases, it seems he's a known scam artist. I will show my daughter his pic, and then I'll know if it's him she has been in touch with. I hope it is, and then I will be able to show her that others have been sucked in too.
I will read the small print on the back of the form, and see if minors are able to send money in this way. If not, the PO should never have let her send it.
My daughter already sees CAHMS for something unrelated, so I will bring this up with them too. It all stems from her low self-esteem. I think.
And it goes without saying that we'll have a proper discussion about it too.