Did I do the wrong thing in raising this when I did? Or is he being a dick?

[Dieu]

Hi all. Technically speaking, this should be in AIBU I guess, but not sure I'm up to posting on there today!
My eldest turns 16 later in the summer. She is a lovely girl, with a good heart, but we have been having one or two issues with her, on an emotional level. She strikes me as being a bit lonely and vulnerable at times (she can find friendships difficult at times) but we are very close and I am here for her always.
Ex husband and I split about 4 years ago, and I am the resident parent. They left at the beginning of the week for a 2 week holiday with him. He can be fairly difficult to deal with, and despite the marriage breaking down because of his infidelity, has rebuffed my attempts to make things amicable for the sake of our children. I am not a mug though, and have pretty much stopped trying.
He is a very high earner, and has the unwavering arrogance of someone in control. Anyway, the day after they left, I was clearing the rubbish out of my daughter's handbag, which she had said I could borrow in her absence.
Inside, I found a Monogram money transfer, for £40 in cash, sent to a guy in Cameroon. This was sent by my daughter, from the post office. I got worried, as apart from the foolhardiness of it, our address and phone number were on the form ... as well as her full name.
I emailed my ex on the holiday, to explain what I had just discovered. I asked him to have a gentle (he can be reactive) chat with her about the stupidity and danger of getting involved with scams like that, and asked hm to please ascertain how she came to be in touch with this man in the first place. A wee word is all it would have taken, and then they could get on with enjoying their holiday. I felt it would be best to raise it as soon as the issue came up.
Here was his response:

Not sure why this is coming through to me on holiday, with tips and advice along with confirmation you are speaking to her on her return. While I am away hopefully the legals will be finalised and then we can proceed quickly with the divorce. Thank you.

I am so angry with myself for expecting a sensible, non passive-aggressive response. I should have known by now that it was never going to happen. And for still allowing him to make me feel like shit.

I think you were wrong to raise it with him, while he is on holiday with them. Why overshadow their holiday, when a chat on her return would have sufficed, and been better in order for you to see her reaction.

Now she is going to be expecting you to be angry, and it will affect her holiday.

If you literally said "please have a gentle word" with no room for him misinterpreting you then he's a prize knob.

I am in total sympathy with your viewpoint, and actions.

However, unlike starlight, I wouldn't send that reply. Why? because if my exdh perceived that I was standing up to him, he would immediately adopt a contrary posture- simply in order to be the one who knew best . On getting Starlight's message, instead of leaving it, he would now do the opposite, and wade in with DD, all guns blazing.
Good luck.

I know it would be a stupid thing to do, but I would be hard pressed to stop myself texting back with "you are getting divorced from me, not our child. You will stop being a husband, not a father. You remain a parent: bloody act like it"

Text him what Ceto said

Nah, she knows me better than that different.
And I don't think it has been raised at all. I may as well not have involved him, as it looks like it's being left to me anyway.
I could kick myself at times!!

Or Alltouchedout. But Ceto's message is calmer, which is good.

That was exactly how I phrased it madmags

You're not my Auntie Margaret, are you? The name would be most fitting

Well potentially the relationship or whatever it is with the Cameroon guy could be continuing while she was away, so I would have wanted to put a stop to it quickly.
Hopefully the divorce will be to your benefit OP and you can have limited contact soon.

Unfortunately not, Dieu but I'll enjoy the obviously ace comparison!

And if you had not let him know and she'd had a bigger problem - bank account emptied whatever, - you'd have been getting your head in your hands for not letting him co-parent, trying to get one over, keeping secrets etc. What an arse. I think you did the right thing for what its worth....

Tell him he's not on holiday from being a parent, so do some parenting. The divorce is an entirely separate matter, you will still be a parent regardless of when the legal paperwork gets done. Arse.

"Oops. Sorry. I forgot Disney Dads don't do the hard parenting stuff. I'll talk to her when you get home. Hopefully, she won't have been scammed out of all her money before then. Have fun!"

Exactly, crocodile. It's not like she has left her iPhone at home!

Absolutely, mags!

Here was my reply, folks. Which I sent prior to starting this thread. Sadly!

It came through to you because you're her parent, and the one who is with her for the next 2 weeks. Her behaviour is worrying at times, particularly where there are safety issues involved. I therefore thought the emotionally intelligent thing to do, would be to raise this with you as soon as it came up. So that you could perhaps have a sensible and open chat with our 15 year old about the foolhardiness of getting sucked in by a Cameroonian scam artist. It really is just one of those things that it happened to be during your holiday.

I totally agree with those last replies.

That's a measured reply. But I would disengage if he comes back with anything else.

Dear Dickwad
This has come through to you on holiday because it is a parenting issue which requires attention now and our daughter is with you.
It came through with tips and advice because I have little faith in your ability to handle this well. It hadn't occurred to me that you would refuse to deal with it at all.
Like you, I look forward to the finalisation of our divorce. Since it will not represent the finalisation of our joint role as parents, perhaps you could step the fuck up and be a hands-on father.

Jeez, op, you are well rid.

I will honestly have to Mags for the sake of my emotional wellbeing.

Cross post with op.
You are an adult op. A proper, proper grown up.

My ex was like this. It's horrible, isn't it? Really exhausting, infuriating and it leaves you second-guessing absolutely everything you do.

I can't wait for that divorce to come through. I hope you had the experience that I did when I held the Decree Absolute in my hands. It was a real physical feeling of a heavy burden being lifted from my shoulders. It's the BEST feeling!

Talk to her when she's back. Get child-support from him and expect nothing more.

You sound lovely. He sounds like a cold, arrogant cock.

FFS Monkey, wish I had seen that an hour or so ago!! Fabulous

Have buckets of wine while they're on holidays and send wishes of sunstroke to the fucker!

Thanks Monkey, that makes me want to cry. It is so hard dealing with someone who looks at you like something they've trodden in.

OK you shouldn't have told him, but now that you have he shouldn't need to be so obtuse, parenting in the main isn't optional.

I'd be tempted to reply "Lets fucking hope so!' but probably go more along the lines of:

"Not sure why I expected anything other than a total lack of responsibility or understanding about parenting from you. Being on holiday doesn't mean you can take a break from parenting and divorcing me won't mean you stop needing to parent DD. While its reassuring to know you share my views about the divorce I find your lack of concern towards our daughter and her potentially being taken advantage of seriously worrying. Hopefully she won't have sent all her money to Cameroon while you're on this parenting break. Enjoy your holiday "

Admittedly, its probably this sort of passive aggressiveness that means I have a very strained relationship with my ex.

PS - the plans for my DIVORCE party are well underway!! Can't wait!!