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Relationships

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Original poster

He won't meet my friends

34 replies

Anonforthis46 · 06/07/2017 10:59

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months now and everything seems great apart from one niggle I have. He doesn't seem keen to meet or spend anytime getting to know the people that are important to me.
I have met his friends but he doesn't have any interest in meeting mine. I invited him out to meet a group of my friends at a pub one evening for by cousins partners birthday. He flaked at the last minute and said he was going out with the guys instead.
It turns out we ended up going to the same pub. I said hi to all his friends as I walked in and went outside to meet mine. He didn't come out once during the evening to say hi or meet any of them. Only when his friends left hours later at the end of the night he eventually came and sat with us for 10 minutes before the pub shut.
I found it embarrassing as all my friends were asking why he wasn't coming over to introduce himself or at least say hello. At the end of the night when we walked home I mentioned I was upset about it and thought he could have at least popped outside to say hello seeing as everyone knew he was there. He admitted that he doesn't really have any interest in getting to know them and it is me he is dating not them. He isn't a shy person so it's nothing to do with feeling nervous. I think he's just being selfish.
AIBU to expect him to make an effort?
I have always taken every opportunity and want to get to know the people in his life and it really upsets me that the favour isn't returned.

OP posts:

Peanutbuttercheese · 06/07/2017 11:03

He sounds like a grade A twat.

Men that like to control love to drive a wedge between women and their friends, remember that.

VulvalHeadMistress · 06/07/2017 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Justhadmyhaircut · 06/07/2017 11:10

He knows your friends are going to tell you he isn't good enough for you doesn't he?

scoobydoo1971 · 06/07/2017 11:16

To be honest I think it reflects what he is thinking about your relationship, and long-term potential. He may not wish to meet your friends and family, but if he had a deep commitment to you then he would oblige anyway. I went to meet my OH family and family in another country not speaking a word of their language! It would not have been my choice to visit that place, but I did it out of courtesy. Perhaps at 8 months dating he is not sure what he wants. Perhaps you ought to have that conversation since you seem quite serious about him.

Thankgodforthat · 06/07/2017 11:18

That is very disrespectful and rude.

ponyprincess · 06/07/2017 11:22

You found it enbarrassing... that is your red flag. Exit!!!

Thesingingtoad · 06/07/2017 11:23

Not a good sign.

endofthelinefinally · 06/07/2017 11:24

Run away.
Huge red flag.

SorrelSoup · 06/07/2017 11:35

Get rid. Surely you don't like him after that anyway. Sounds like a selfish, arrogant year. My friend just split with someone like this. Four years he spent not meeting her friends and family, even though they're massively important to her. When the ultimatums came he promised he'd change and be more involved but never did. I bumped into them in a pub for 2 minutes and he was so arrogant, he didn't give a flying fuck about meeting me even though I've known her since she was born.

My dh was really nervous about meeting my friends but he put himself out there and did it, cos that's normal.

Shoxfordian · 06/07/2017 11:47

That's really rude of him

Firstly rude for "flaking" and going out with the guys when you had an arrangement.

Secondly when he could have met your friends he chose not to.

Two big red flags for me.

paradoxicalInterruption · 06/07/2017 11:58

He's basically a git isn't he?

Find someone nicer.

Adora10 · 06/07/2017 12:27

Who the feck does he think he is, very rude, and in fact terribly insulting to you, this is who he is OP he is showing you how uninterested he is in you.

VIX1820 · 06/07/2017 12:42

That's what I was afraid of. The only time he's really met any of my friends is when he came to a wedding as my plus 1 (not without making it very obvious he didn't want to be there) he called a cab and left at 10.30pm telling me to 'stay and enjoy myself'. So there I was left on my own with 5 of my friends and their partners for the rest of the evening.

Adora10 · 06/07/2017 12:43

OFGS, bin him OP, he's a rude arrogant twat.

Whisky2014 · 06/07/2017 12:46

Bin

WateryTart · 06/07/2017 12:48

Dump him. He's not that into you.

Pocketsaviour · 06/07/2017 12:54

I know I'll be a minority in this (possibly a lone one lol) but I loathe meeting partners' friends, or friends' partners. I'm just really not interested. I'm interested in my partner and I don't get any value from meeting other people who they happen to know.

I also don't like introducing partners to friends and family and usually it only happens after my family or friends nag the shit out of me.

0ccamsRazor · 06/07/2017 12:54

What a disrespectful person he is, I doubt his behaviour will get better, this is still the honeymoon phase!

RhubardGin · 06/07/2017 12:57

He's a twat. What an arrogant attitude to have.

You can do better!

scottishdiem · 06/07/2017 12:57

The flaking out of coming with you is one thing. Its very rude and highly questionable.

DP and I have very different social circles and I think we had only been out with each others friends maybe once during the time of our dating and engagement. Even after being married for five years we dont have shared friends (makes it easier to be clear about the time we spend together - so many women on here complain that time together with friends doesn't count as actual time together).

We are not one of those two-become-one person couples. So its up to you how much you want this compared to what his stated position is. If you dont like his position then it could well be time to move on.

VIX1820 · 06/07/2017 13:00

Personally I see my family and friends as an extension of myself and my life, so to me it's insulting that he doesn't want to be a part of that. Plus, isn't the point of relationships that you occasionally do something you don't want to do to make the other person happy? It's give and take- I've been to work events of his to support him even if I would much rather be at home in the bath or having a glass of vino in front of the tv. He tends to have the mindset- 'If I don't want to, then I won't do it'

ijustwannadance · 06/07/2017 13:08

He won't change. Just think if you stayed with him and had a child he would he bother doing anything then? Birthday parties, family things?

Sounds like you are not really compatable.

Raaaaaah · 06/07/2017 13:08

It really depends how much it bothers you. My DP of 15yrs has never had any interest in spending time with my friends or extended family. He has long standing friends and didn't feel the need for more. I find it quite an arrogant attitude but have never made a fuss as I actually quite enjoy spending time alone with my mates. In your pub situation however he would have made more of an effort...I think!

Raaaaaah · 06/07/2017 13:09

Oh and it also gives me the freedom to decline events of his I don't fancy.

HarmlessChap · 06/07/2017 13:34

He knows your friends are going to tell you he isn't good enough for you doesn't he?
I'm surprised at the universal attitude that he is disrespectful and rude. I always hated being introduced to an new GFs mates and can appreciate that it may not be as cut and dry as people are making out.

It's a long time ago but despite a fascade of confidence I was always very anxious about it and certainly I felt judged as to whether she could do better.

Even now one to one I'm fine, addressing a large group of people again I'm fine but being the incomer to a group of people I don't know throws me into a cold sweat, I'd rather be at the dentist having root filling.

He may be all that is being stated or he may find it a difficult situation he wants to avoid. Has he met your parents or siblings? Would he be the same if it was your one of your mates rather than a group of them?

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