Mum tried to rip me off, but now I'm hospifal

[JustOneMoreDay]

I'm a long term user of this forum but have NC.

This is going to be a long post but I'd be so grateful if you could read and give me insight on my situation as an outsider looking in.

Basically I've known for a very long time that my mother is a Narcissist. I was emotionally and physically abused during childhood, and there was social services involvement sporadically. I was also put on the child protection register a few times...

Because of this I spent the best part of my 20s very troubled and constantly fought back at my mum. But when I reached 28 years old, I decided I couldn't go on like I was....I was filled with so much anger and hurt and it had made me very unwell. So I decided to forgive my mum, and just accept who she was for my own sanity and also my DD.

I can see now that my forgiveness was really submission, as for the last two years I've just kept quiet and not challenged her about any of her bad behaviours. I guess I felt that having a mum was better than no mum at all...and apart from my sisters who are also troubled in their own way the family/extended family unit is completely non existent. Basically, I don't really have any family. , my stepfather passed away when I was 18 and my real father is a wife beater so I don't have any contact with him.

Anyway, the straw that broke the camels back was my mum trying to rip me off just recently.

I'm about to move into a new house, and I have been trying to furnish the house but I'm currently on ESA (support group for severe depression and anxiety) so I've struggled to buy a lot of the things I need. My mum offered to buy me some things for the house which I was really pleased about as she has never given me anything for free before (unless it was birthdays or christmases which she didn't bother with some years) I've rarely asked my mother for anything my whole life, but I've always had to pay her in some way if I did ask for her help with something. For example, she charges my sisters a fiver just to drop them into the town centre.

So she told me she went into home sense and bought all the stuff brand new for me.

( Background context) My mum is currently renovating her house. She has always been very house proud and over the years she has bought/collected a lot of lovely furniture/home accessory items which she has stored in the attic, ready for when she does her house renovation. I'm not talking a few items I'm talking thousands of pounds worth of house accessories/furniture. The house as it is now is rammed packed full of mirrors/lampshades and cushions and I suppose you could say she has a slight hoarding issue...

Anyway she brought all the new items round to my house recently, and well I was really puzzled. Because nothing had labels on or price tags. Some of the items had stains on, the lamp shade was cracked. And apart from one thing, nothing had its original packaging. Overall the items were in good condition but definitely not bought brand new. But I was grateful anyway! Unfortunately, she then started to ask me for money for the items to the tune of £1000 and when I questioned her she said "Oh you thought you was getting all this stuff for free?"

well yes I was. Because she went off on her own accord to get this stuff for me, I never asked her to get me anything. But what concerns me is that she has made out she bought all this stuff brand new when it's clear she has just done an attic clearout. I've confronted her with all this and she has said "I'll come clean not all the stuff was new" but her story is full of holes. I feel I should say now that my mother has always been a pathological liar so I don't know what to believe.
Sadly I've come to the conclusion that I can not forgive this as well, as well as all the other stuff and will have to go no contact which was a few days ago...

But my mum also suffers from sickle cell anaemia and type 2 diabetes and last night her arm went dead and an ambulance has taken her into hospital. From what I have heard from my sisters the doctors don't have answers yet. But all I feel is numb, is it bad that I just want to stay away? I feel like I'm a cold hearted person for not rushing to the hospital to see her, but I'm so worn out with the lies and abuse.

Oh the title was meant to be "in hospital" fat fingers!

I'm not a psychologist but my initial reaction is that your numbness and desire to stay away is basically self preservation. You only feel like this because of years of abuse, you're not cold hearted, you're worn out. Your reaction has been caused by her behaviour over the years. Don't feel at all bad about it.

Being ill doesn't mean she's magically a nicer person.

Protect yourself.

Having DC of your own is a useful barometer of what is and isn't acceptable behaviour from your own parents (or so me and DH have found). Ask yourself what you would expect from your daughter in the same situation. Would you want her to protect herself? Would you think it's ok to behave towards her like your own mum does to you?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You don't deserve it.

I'm so sorry youve been dealing with all that since childhood. Your mother sounds like poison and from an outsiders point of view, I think you should go no contact. She obviously a real trigger for your depression if not other things and personally I wouldn't want someone so toxic around me or my child.

I know she's your mum but you owe her NOTHING. In an emotional sense I mean. Financially, I'd return all her crap, being without is better than having that money hanging over you, especially for broken items and items you didn't ask for.

I sense you would feel a lot lighter without all this on your shoulders every day.

JustOne - this is so sad, you just want a mum don't you - not too much to ask but sadly she will never be a "mum' to you. Please protect yourself and keep NC or lo-contact. Otherwise next thing you know you'll be expected to be her carer.

Concentrate on your own DD, give her the life you always wanted.

She's an awful person and you should stay away from her.

I think you should refuse to pay and ask her to take back all the things as soon as she is out of the hospital. Maybe if it's not too much you can arrange for a delivery at her house. Just tell her calmly that you prefer to buy things you like yourself. Don't feel angry she is what she is and unlikely will change now. Be nice to her, bring her flowers to the hospital but just put borders so that she can not harm you anymore. 1000 is a lot of money for stuff you don't want/need.

My mother has Crohns. She always ends up in hospital when anyone calls her out. She's over eighty now and still doing it. I haven't spoken to her in years, it's bloody great!
Honestly op, even if there is something genuinely wrong, do you want your dd to see that you allow yourself to be treated like this? More to the point, what are you going to do when she starts playing your dd off against you? Poor granny, evil Mummy? Been there, fortunately only for about ten seconds, my dd told her to piss off! Just walk away.

And I thought my mother was pants.

Your mum sounds like an old friend of mine. 25yrs ago I sussed her out. Cut ties, moved away. Moved back, but did not re-unite. Eventually we tried to re-kindle the friendship, but really quickly old behaviour patterns emerged. Whilst this was in motion I was witness to the absolutely vile dynamics between her and her three daughters. I was at a loss as to what to do so again cut ties 5 yrs ago. I found out recently she died a horrible death from cancer. The only legacy she has left her 3 Dd's is trauma, guilt and sadness. Reading this thread has re-ignited all my feelings. Walk away OP. She doesn't deserve any of her children

Your mother is a horror OP. Don't you pay her one penny! It was all stuff she wanted gone and saw you as a way of her clawing back the cost. Go NC now. Seriously, this is appalling!

Ignoring the hospital part as I assume she will hopefully recover fully and get back on with being her usual self.

When she is well enough for that conversation tell her you don't want the stuff and she is welcome to take it all back.

Then spend the money you want to on the things you chose. It is one thing accepting gifts or hand me downs to use when you can't afford them but not to have to pay full whack for something you don't particularly want or would make a decision as to whether you need it/would spend money on it.

Don't pay her for the things. She is just dumping stuff on you she doesn't want as we all do to our dc or my dm does to me but for free. £1000??? Cheeky

Your reaction sounds fine to me tbh.

I agree that you should tell her that you don't want the stuff & won't pay.

If she wants it back she or someone can collect it at your convenience, if not-throw/charity shop.

You want a Mum (I understand as I wanted a Dad)
Unfortunately you just don't have one and no amount of wishing for it to be different will make a scrap of difference
I cut my father off when I was pg as I didn't feel I could expose any child of mine to his behaviour and I've never regretted it.
When he was in hospital I didn't go and see him and when he died I didn't go to the funeral. I don't regret it at all.
Horrible ill people are still horrible

You have to take a massive step back to see the situation

You must look at your own life and your own self and your childs and make decisions only that are best for you and her even if it seems like some of those decisions feel unkind to others!

She won't change so you are only left with looking at you and the changes you can make to keep your self your dd and your life safe.

If this person was a stranger would you allow her to treat you this way, the honest answer is probably no.

i know we are programmed genetically to think we must have certain people in our lives but the best lesson I ever learned was, it's better to have no one even if it's lonely than to have people in your life who treat you badly the loneliness is temporary but the bad treatment is forever

Don't pay and if she wants the stuff back she can collect it.

Then distance yourself for your own self-preservation.

do some surveys won't earn a lot but every little helps value opinions pay with sainburys vouchers and argos earn about £2 a day you can get a few bits for your home and send back what that woman gave you she is no mother

Ask for the receipts as you want to return the stuff yourself.

If, as seems very likely, she has just mined her hoard for stuff she no longer wants herself, she won't be able to produce them. I wouldn't pay ANYONE, mother or not, without having the receipts!

It sounds as though our mothers are very similar, OP.

Mine doesn't charge money for things, she just guilt-trips everyone around her and when called out on anything she does what we now call her Stroke Voice. Stroke Voice involves her suddenly slumping in her chair, talking all slurry and slow, and making one or both eyes droop in odd ways. She's been hospitalised for investigation, several times, although the hospitals have never found anything. But I did find something: a search history on her laptop where she'd been looking for the symptoms of stroke, heart attack and brain tumours.

It's vile behaviour. I'm not sure your mother is also faking, but the coincidence is significant.

Of course you feel numb from all of this, and of course you don't want to visit her in hospital. So don't. She's driven you through all sorts of traumas and she's manipulating you even now.

Get all that stuff back to her house, preferably while she's in hospital so you don't have to speak to her. And be glad you won't have her "favour" hanging over you anymore.

Do not give her a penny.

There are many charities available to buy home furnishings from. If you are on benefits, some of the council-run operations give a discount...you should perhaps look into what is available locally. By accepting from your mother then you will (in her eyes) be developing a dependency relationship with her. Don't let her buy your soul for a bunch of second-hand lamps...

When I bought my first house, I found stuff in car boots and ebay local collection slowly and steadily. We didn't even have a proper working cooker for a year...but it was home, and that was great!

Your mental health will not improve while you are in a toxic relationship with your mother. I am a qualified psychologist, but that pearl of wisdom comes from my relationship with my own mother who has borderline personality disorder and age-related illness. I have learned how to manage the boundaries over the year but it has been an abusive relationship with lots of periods of no-contact and roaring arguments. Get yourself to counselling, and take the new home to be a chance for a fresh start as you have one life and it should be 'your life'...not one hijacked by a mentally ill parent.

Stay well away from her. Give the stuff back (preferably just take it back to her house whilst she's in hospital). And cut contact- this woman is not a nice person. You don't need or deserve shit like this in your life.

Wow, that's terrible. Best give the stuff back and minimize contact