Mum tried to rip me off, but now I'm hospifal

[JustOneMoreDay]

I'm a long term user of this forum but have NC.

This is going to be a long post but I'd be so grateful if you could read and give me insight on my situation as an outsider looking in.

Basically I've known for a very long time that my mother is a Narcissist. I was emotionally and physically abused during childhood, and there was social services involvement sporadically. I was also put on the child protection register a few times...

Because of this I spent the best part of my 20s very troubled and constantly fought back at my mum. But when I reached 28 years old, I decided I couldn't go on like I was....I was filled with so much anger and hurt and it had made me very unwell. So I decided to forgive my mum, and just accept who she was for my own sanity and also my DD.

I can see now that my forgiveness was really submission, as for the last two years I've just kept quiet and not challenged her about any of her bad behaviours. I guess I felt that having a mum was better than no mum at all...and apart from my sisters who are also troubled in their own way the family/extended family unit is completely non existent. Basically, I don't really have any family. , my stepfather passed away when I was 18 and my real father is a wife beater so I don't have any contact with him.

Anyway, the straw that broke the camels back was my mum trying to rip me off just recently.

I'm about to move into a new house, and I have been trying to furnish the house but I'm currently on ESA (support group for severe depression and anxiety) so I've struggled to buy a lot of the things I need. My mum offered to buy me some things for the house which I was really pleased about as she has never given me anything for free before (unless it was birthdays or christmases which she didn't bother with some years) I've rarely asked my mother for anything my whole life, but I've always had to pay her in some way if I did ask for her help with something. For example, she charges my sisters a fiver just to drop them into the town centre.

So she told me she went into home sense and bought all the stuff brand new for me.

( Background context) My mum is currently renovating her house. She has always been very house proud and over the years she has bought/collected a lot of lovely furniture/home accessory items which she has stored in the attic, ready for when she does her house renovation. I'm not talking a few items I'm talking thousands of pounds worth of house accessories/furniture. The house as it is now is rammed packed full of mirrors/lampshades and cushions and I suppose you could say she has a slight hoarding issue...

Anyway she brought all the new items round to my house recently, and well I was really puzzled. Because nothing had labels on or price tags. Some of the items had stains on, the lamp shade was cracked. And apart from one thing, nothing had its original packaging. Overall the items were in good condition but definitely not bought brand new. But I was grateful anyway! Unfortunately, she then started to ask me for money for the items to the tune of £1000 and when I questioned her she said "Oh you thought you was getting all this stuff for free?"

well yes I was. Because she went off on her own accord to get this stuff for me, I never asked her to get me anything. But what concerns me is that she has made out she bought all this stuff brand new when it's clear she has just done an attic clearout. I've confronted her with all this and she has said "I'll come clean not all the stuff was new" but her story is full of holes. I feel I should say now that my mother has always been a pathological liar so I don't know what to believe.
Sadly I've come to the conclusion that I can not forgive this as well, as well as all the other stuff and will have to go no contact which was a few days ago...

But my mum also suffers from sickle cell anaemia and type 2 diabetes and last night her arm went dead and an ambulance has taken her into hospital. From what I have heard from my sisters the doctors don't have answers yet. But all I feel is numb, is it bad that I just want to stay away? I feel like I'm a cold hearted person for not rushing to the hospital to see her, but I'm so worn out with the lies and abuse.

Thank you for all the replies, I'm so grateful because you are all making me feel like I'm not wrong for feeling the way I am.

I live 90 minutes away, and told her she can take the stuff back. Because when I confronted her about ripping me off she said " you honestly think I would do that to you?" when it's so obvious she is? She then said "Right I'll take it all back then!!" I asked to see receipts and she said she " only had some of them" but I know deep down most of this stuff was from the house and in her attic. I've even had my sister confirm that because she said the cushions she gave me were from her old bedroom!

It was only a couple of days ago she asked me AGAIN for some money for the items, so she just isn't getting it either way. I definitely won't give her any money, but on reflection I can see she has taken a lot of money/expensive gifts from me over the years and even when I couldn't really afford it but I wanted her love and to keep her happy I suppose, as sad as it sounds.

I was left some money in will for me to the tune of 7K for when I turned 18, but apparently in the will it was stipulated that I could take out money before then for school expenses or a computer. So at 15 she got me to lie to the executor of the will. Basically I had to pretend that we were destitute so that they would release £1000. She then took this £1000 and went on holiday with my sisters. I had to stay home because I was doing my GCSE's....it's when I think back to situations like this I realise how bad she has been.

I had a slight suspicion whether this "hospital trip" could be a way to get attention but I felt bad for thinking this way. But from what my sister is telling me she is still creating drama from the hospital bed and is blaming my sister for putting her in hospital (stress). My sister has been very supportive of me since all this has came out about trying to take a £1000 from me, and it has rubbed my mum up the wrong way because she believes my sister should ask permission before talking to me. Crazy as that sounds, but my own sister communicating with me is considered "going behind her back". She has played both me and my sisters off against each other our whole lives.

I will definitely be staying away, and like someone mentioned I know if I continued contact it would only be a matter of time before she involves my DD in her mind games and I can't allow that to happen. I wouldn't dream of treating my DD this way, but my mum doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. Or if I do challenge her on her behaviour she switches to being the victim and starts crying. She is ever so draining.

Sorry for the long post, been feeling like I need to get it all out as have been feeling very traumatised by her behaviour for a long time.

Once she is out of hospital, I would box all the stuff up and tell her it is outside the door and she can collect it.

Keep communicating with your sister, and ignore your mum. I know it must hurt, but you need to concentrate on the family that support you, not the one who is trying to rip you off. You know that she stole £1K off you when you were 17, so you know that she is capable of doing this now.

Have you approached the council, or any local charities for help with furnishings etc?

I have got a lot of things already from a charity place near me, so there are only a few essential things I needed to get which is why it surprised me that she wanted to go and buy lots of brand new things for me. Because I had already got the main things, yes it was a struggle to get but I don't really see "throws, fancy lampshades and cushions" as an essential item so I could have lived without them quite easily. But she said she "wanted to make my home look really nice". Only to then be told it was never a gift it was a loan. So confusing.

You would be perfectly entitled to consider this the final straw and go NC. In fact, I really think you should. The PP who said she is no mother to you is spot on.

Thanks again for the replies everyone, I really appreciate it. It's given me a lot of clarity.

Look after your own emotional needs first and foremost. I'm sorry your mother is in hospital, however, as others have rightly said she isn't going to change just because of a hospital admission.

Personally, I'd visit her in hospital. But, only when others are present.

You are not obliged to pay her for the recycled tat she's been trying to pass off as brand new. You could offer to take then back to the shops - I'd imagine she'd decline your offer as THEY AIN'T NEW!! Just make sure you offer in front of others.

When she's discharged from hospital. Go NC.

I know from bitter personal experience how N mothers operate. So, don't allow her to paint you as the bad guy.

Agree with the others.

Protect yourself and put yourself first.

Text her something breezy and positive like: "Thanks Mum, I must have misunderstood, I thought you were giving this stuff to me. No worries! I'm fine with paying for new stuff myself, but if I'm paying for it I want it to be stuff I have chosen. So I have ordered my own things now. I have had to leave your stuff outside for you to collect, no room for it in here with my new things. Hope you feel better soon!"

The thing is, she's never going to change. Ever. And you can either accept her place in your life, bringing you stress upset and misery, or you walk away with your head held high and know that you're not the bad guy here, and never will be. What value does she bring to your life? None.

The thing is, she's never going to change. Ever. And you can either accept her place in your life, bringing you stress upset and misery, or you walk away with your head held high and know that you're not the bad guy here, and never will be. What value does she bring to your life? None.

This is so true. I haven't seen my parents in years, and my life is so much better without them in it.

Give all the stuff back. You don't want to start your new life with a narcissist's cast offs, and they will be a constant reminder of her behaviour in this instance. You can get amazing, high quality furniture cheap at charity shops (especially if you like mid-century modern).

Anyone who can try to rip you off this way does NOT love you. She will NEVER contribute to your life in the way that you so long for her to do. This is a really painful thing to recognise, but necessary. It sounds as though you've reached a crossroads where you can finally "see" her for who she is.

You need to cut contact for both yourself and your daughter.

I would tell her she can have it all back if she likes. If she doesn't mind hurting your feelings then I think that should go both ways. I would have limited/no contact with her because I totally cut ties with anyone who brings me down. I have very controlling parents who I virtually have nothing to do with anymore and my life is much happier for it and a lot less stressful!

Tell her to take all the stuff back, cheeky cowand then if I were you I would disown her.

my real father is a wife beater so I don't have any contact with him

Do you know this for a fact or is it something your mother told you? Could she have lied about him to you? (Apologies if you know it is true)

As I posted on another thread a little while ago "Having cancer doesnt stop someone being a cunt". OK so she doesnt have cancer but the point is that being ill or injured or needing help doesnt make all the shit stuff they have done/do magically disappear.

Nothing you say or do will make her suddenly understand or treat you right, so going and staying NC is the only way to survive and protect yourself.

Send her a note telling her to take it all back. Do not give her any money - you know she will not appreciate it - whatever you do she will always make out that you are in the wrong. Go no contact.

so there are only a few essential things I needed to get which is why it surprised me that she wanted to go and buy lots of brand new things for me

well yes, she wanted to give you old stuff and get the money for new from you. I don't think she ever planned to genuinely help you.

About your numbness and coldness - as a rule, normally people love their mothers because 1) their mothers have given them love and care from being tiny and 2) we're programmed to, for our own survival

When someone persistantly treats you without love or with insincere trappings of love or with abusive behaviour (financially abusive in this case) ... in the end people's love dies or they go numb. It doesn't mean you are loveless, it simply means the other person's exhausted the very large reservoir a child has for their mum.

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The best thing you can do for your own health here is to keep talking to your sister. It's a very very bad sign that your mother wants to control that. Your relationship with your sister could be destroyed by her and your mother, I'm afraid, clearly does not have your best interests at heart (sorry :/)

"You honestly think I would do that to you". This is her telling you to your face what she is a fuckining narcissistic twisting old cow it is deliberately devised to destabilise you and make you question your own judgement and keep her plan of robbing you of a grand for tat you never asked for, on track. Common sense and logic can never be applied to people like this. They are like wisps of toxic smoke. Ever changing and evasive and re-writing history. Give up and walk away. I watched my Mum spend her entire life trying to please her own mother. It wrecked her health and her life.