DH not sure what he wants

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DH of 3 years told me two days ago he's not sure he wants to be with me anymore and we will have to see how things go. There was no build up to this and there were not any warning signs.
We have 2 young DDs together and both work shifts so sometimes go a few days without spending much time together but we've always managed.
I'm absolutely devastated and not sure what to do next.
We live in a council flat in a joint tenancy and I could support myself and DDs financially if it came to it. Am I a mug to be waiting around for him to decide what happens next?

How awful for you. Has he given you anymore details about why he feels this way?

Possibilities:
He is involved with someone else but he is unsure whether to jump
The OW is not ready to commit or they don't have a nest set up to go to
Is he depressed
Does he want to control you and have you running in circles to do all his bidding so you can persuade him to stay?

Would you both consider marriage counselling?

You need to know what is causing him to feel this way and unless some active steps are taken... Like talking or counselling, things won't just get better.

Him saying let's see what happens is ridiculous, if he's not told you what the issue is.

I'm sorry you're in this position, but I wouldn't want to sit around waiting for him to decide, without a plan in place.

Him saying let's see what happens... Is possibly just so that he can say he gave it a try and it didn't work.

He has said that things just don't feel the same, but won't elaborate further.
I don't think there is anyone else but I guess everyone would like to think that about their partners

Sandy I would consider marriage counselling I may suggest it tonight

So why do you have to 'see how things go' on his say-so? Why not ask him to move out while he considers whether or not he wants to be with you? Or is it just more convenient for him to stay at home, getting his washing done, while he 'thinks about things'?

If you have kids and work shifts I'd guess it's childcare issues that concern you about telling him to sling his hook while he navel-gazes, but if he does decide to go then you'll have those issues anyway. So I'd get them sorted now and tell him to make his decisions somewhere you don't have to do his dirty work in the meantime.

Sorry you are going through this. Would it help if you felt more in control of the situation? Don't 'sit around waiting for him to make his mind up'. Tell him it's either counselling or he needs to move out. Like NOW. You don't deserve to play 'pick me' game or be strung along.

Yes, it does sound like he's met someone but is pretending he hasn't and is making out that he has 'fallen out of love' with you to lessen the guilt he will feel if you split.

But it could be something else but if it is why doesn't he just tell you so you can work together to sort it

Sorry I'd suspect OW, or at least his head is turned and he wants to pursue.

So, for me it would be either he agrees to go to marriage counselling or he moves out, and now.

I've just made copies of DHs wage slips incase he tries to hide any money should the worst happen.
We are going away next week with DHs family and I still want us to go as the DDs are looking forward to it
I feel so sad this is happening. I will try and do some digging to see if there is anyone else. I don't see how he could do this to me the bastard

Up to you OP but I'd be asking him not to come, the kids can still have their holiday; he actually drops that bombshell then expects you to go on holiday with his family and pretend all ok, sorry but it wouldn't be me, he needs to feel a consequence for what he has basically told you; that's he's not that into you anymore.

He could take the DC without you - let him explain/deal with his family. Use the time to get your head together.

Oh gosh op I'm so sorry. I just don't want you to waste your time doing any sort of 'pick me' dance. If I got to the point where I was prepared to destroy my relationship with those words then it means, well, I can tolerate the idea of losing my partner. Are you happy to be with someone is ambivalent about you? Your better off saying he'll have to move out. That you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who can sound the death knell

I'm very sorry. I agree with everyone else and would tell him to leave while he makes up his mind. It's not fair on you, living on tenterhooks while he takes his time to decide still living a cosy family life. Nor would I go on holiday with his family. It's always better to be proactive rather than reactive, as painful as it is or will be, you will ultimately feel better for being strong - even if you have to initially fake it.

I'm thinking other woman in the background somewhere.

That's torture for you.

If you want him to want you he has to value you as highly as the ''options'' he thinks he might have, out there. Tell him that the last thing you want is a man who is on the fence about you.

Tell him you'll take your chances out there and talk about 50:50 co parenting so that you can build your own life and explore new opportunities and date and find love and go away on holidays.

Nothing will spell it out louder than that that you too could have a life if you weren't tied down by two dds. IN this new fantasy life that he's hankering after in his head no doubt you are at home with his two children while he props up bars, travels solo speed dates and goes on romantic mini breaks with women who don't know him.

ps, and although it may be torture because your dds are still young, tell him that you won't be accompanying his family on holiday because you need to think, he can take the girls. Use that time to line up ducks and tell him that you're going to think, read, rest, visit a friend (hopefully a friend who is as free as a bird)

He won't tell you what the problem is .... very likely OW, sorry to say.

You'll put yourself at a disadvantage if you let him dictate terms. So decide what YOU want, and if that is clarity then ask him to leave. I don't think it's reasonable to expect you sit around waiting for him make up his mind. You'd be walking on eggshells the whole time, and won't even have the luxury of being able to cry in private. He needs to go. You may or may not be available if he does eventually decide that he's made a mistake, you don't need to make that permanent decision yet, but you can say that you are not prepared to live with him in the current circumstances.
As far as the holiday is concerned, how do you envisage it working? Will you have to share a bed with him? Will the IL's be told what's happening? What about the DC? Is the sort of holiday where you can spend most of the time away from him? It depends how old the DC are as to how much they will notice or understand.
Sorry this has happened to you.

OP. My XH did the same to me, suddenly said that he didn't know if he wanted to be there any more. Mine came out of the blue too. There was OW, somebody that he had become infatuated with, which is why he suddenly didn't know what he wanted.

I would strongly suspect this is the case with your H. I would ask him to leave whilst you consider YOUR options.

It may not be, sometimes there are other factors, such as depression, but more often than not, it is OW.

My XH messed me around for weeks, because I let him, because I was so devastated, even though I did tell him to go initially, I desperately wanted things to work out. Don't be me.

A husband communicates his feelings (in a respectful way, I assume) to his wife and MN is telling her to go nuclear.

Look, do what you need to do to protect yourself in case your marriage does blow up.

He shouldn't move out, nor is he legally obligated to move out. It's not in the best interest of the kids. Everyone knows this too, why they tell you to demand that he leaves the marital home is beyond me.

Talk to your husband some more. Try to understand where he's coming from. Maybe he doesn't quite fully understand where he's coming from himself. The counsellor can help with that.

Do you still love him?

This happened to a friend. With an OW who didn't actually want him, she wanted attention. My friend played the pick me game for months until her MH was in tatters. Just tell him to leave until he's worked out what he wants (and you might consider his wishes at that point).

It's possible there isn't an OW but there almost always is.

He at least owes you an explanation

I've heard this scenario before. I'm afraid there will be someone else.

Do not let him torture you for weeks or months saying it's on / off / he's not sure. If you love someone and want to be with them then you know you do; him saying otherwise is guilt and buying time. I'm so sorry but you need to prepare to separate and it's best it's on your terms.

Not legally obligated no but morally yes, he's told his wife he's not sure he wants to be with her anymore and he will see how it goes, and you think she should just suck it up cos it's not in the kids best interest, Jesus, what would he need to do for it to be in the OPs interests?

Having him go for a few days will do no harm to the children, he could be working away but it would give the OP some space to think about what SHE wants, this is not all about him.

So, the reason we suggest, not demand, is because HE's choosing to turn her life upside down so he needs to go and work out what it is HE wants, just like she does.

Try to understand where he's coming from, nah, he's made it pretty clear, the OP needs space, not to counsel him and why he's not sure he wants her anymore!

I would tell him to leave there is no point him being in the same flat as you if he domestic know how he feels about you.

You can still do marriage counciling while living aart. So I would suggest this option to him.

As for the holiday you can go or he can go but both off you don't need to go.

While doing the above I would also think about weather I could be with someone whon says they don't know how they feel about me. I would also work on myself too. I know it's a crap situation to be in and I am so sorry you are going through this.

Also I would ask for a proper explanation and him just saying he doesn't know it's enough well it wouldn't be enough for me.

I told XH to go because if he didn't want to be there, then there was no point in him being there. I can't live a false life pretending everything is happy when it isn't, so best for DC if he is not there and then both parties have time to think about what they want without messing anyone around.