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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP being very unsupportive about a bereavement

26 replies

ohhbother · 05/07/2017 23:09

Hi,
DP and I have had our fair share of problems but have been working hard to rectify them. He has empathy issues (not just with me) and finds it hard to put himself in other people's shoes.
This is something I usually deal with as it doesn't really affect us.
Yesterday I lost my grandpa - quite unexpectedly. I hadn't seen him in 5 years as he lives in Australia and it hit me a lot harder than I anticipated.
He was kind for a little while - asking if I was okay, did I want to talk etc and then had to go to work. When he came home from work he moaned about his day and went to bed. Today from the minute he has got up he has constantly nagged.
I've just broken down in tears and told him he's not being fair and I need his support right now. He got really arsey and mumbled that 'I'm making myself a victim and actually I've done nothing but moan today'
I'm so upset, I can't believe that in a time like this he still can't put my feelings first.
I don't really know what to do now as I'm pretty upset but feel a bit embarrassed and hell will freeze over before he apologises without prompting.
I don't know if this is the final straw. I feel like it might be a little bit. I can't help but think that if something even more traumatic happens in the future I will also be dealing with it alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohhbother · 05/07/2017 23:50

Anyone? I'm sitting on my doorstep feeling a little sorry for myself.

OP posts:
user1476869312 · 05/07/2017 23:57

On the one hand, people who are not good at empathy are unlikely to suddenly develop these skills just because they find themselves in a position where the skills are demanded of them.
On the other hand, there's a difference between being poor at giving emotional support and being unpleasant about it.

Apart from his general difficulty in dealing with people who openly express emotions, how does your P treat you on an everyday basis? Is he polite, fair, helpful on a practical level?

Mrsknackered · 06/07/2017 00:03

No, in all honesty he can be fucking useless.
If I ask then he is helpful but he never thinks 'let me be helpful and put the washing away' he creates shit loads of mess and is blind to it, but god forbid today I forgot to wipe down the baby's high chair between lunch and dinner and he sighed about it a bit.

sandgrown · 06/07/2017 00:05

So sorry to hear about your grandpa. Some people do not know how to deal with death but your DP should be supporting you and allowing you to talk if you need to. Can you talk to your parents or siblings who may understand better

GertyTheGert · 06/07/2017 00:08

I feel for you - my other half had empathy for ooooh 3 mins when my 19 yr old cat had a stroke (in a very traumatic way) and I had to drive Puddy Features 5 miles to the vet on my own where he had to be put to sleep. My other half had bought me the cat when my Mother died. He came home after the event and said yeah its for the best, he was really old and, oh its like we've never had a cat here (I had HAD to remove all the scratching posts, cat bed etc as I was crying so much). I cannot forgive my other half for being so cold and wonder what its all about ............In fact I am wondering about things for the future ......

GertyTheGert · 06/07/2017 00:19

In case anyone thinks, what, all this over a cat's death???? But its indicative of caring for someone, loving and supporting someone when they need it and showing understanding etc. He then said oh we can go away any time we want now and no worries about a cat...........So I really feel for you as I'm seriously thinking is his love just bloody words but no meaning? To say you (Ohbother I mean) are making yourself out to be a victim sounds quite uncaring so I do really feel for you. Sending hugs x

Original poster
ohhbother · 06/07/2017 01:36

Well it escalated hugely. I should've just left it and gone to bed but I didn't and now he's left saying he's never coming back and he hates me.
He also damaged loads of things, none of which I can afford to replace. I'm absolutely heartbroken.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/07/2017 02:04

I'm so sorry about your grandpa and for this horrible mess with your partner. But honestly, I think you might be better off. If you can't depend and lean on your partner in times of sadness, you didn't really have much of a relationship to begin with. It's times like this when a person's true character are revealed.

MistressDeeCee · 06/07/2017 02:18

Best off without this dickhead. He can empathise and be a comfort to you. Not even talk so much but be there for and with you. He wont do that though as he's me me me. I hope you have a friend or family member to help you through this bereavement. Let your fool of a so called boyfriend be someone else's problem. 4 years ago I lost a dear friend - we'd been on a night out, I dropped her home and never saw her again. She had an epileptic fit and died alone on kitchen floor. My then OH of 5 years took so much pleasure in telling me 'snap out of it, get over it' that I began to suspect he was almost gleeful at my sadness. Confirmed when one day I was on phone to my Dsis and he was in the room. We were talking about my friend who'd passed. Theres a mirror in room I glanced in it - & behind me but off to the side so he probably thought I couldnt see him, I saw OH smiling. Called my DB later to be with me, & I threw OH out. OP - When a man is unkind, when a man shows he doesn't like you & also won't be there for you when you're hurting, then please take heed. Let him go. Be with people you can talk about bereavement to. MN is great for that; as I found out at that timeFlowers

MistressDeeCee · 06/07/2017 02:20

Sorry about lack of paragraphs. Can sort on laptop/tablet but doesn't work on phone for some reason

MistressDeeCee · 06/07/2017 02:24

Gerty your cat was yours, a part of your family. & the significance of when you got her...that matters too. Hope you feel better soonFlowers

mathanxiety · 06/07/2017 02:41

Pack his clothes and other stuff in bin nabs and put it all outside and tell him to come and pick it up.

Call the police and show them all the stuff he broke. Get a non-molestation order. While you wait for the police, take photos of all the broken things.

He has crossed a line from 'not doing empathy' to violence.

Please do this. Crossing this line is serious business.

(And 'not empathetic' is a heap of hooey. What he is is a self centered jerk.)

Flowers to you on the loss of your grandad.

mathanxiety · 06/07/2017 02:42

nabs = bags.

WellThisIsShit · 06/07/2017 03:10

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. I hope things seem better in the morning after some sleep. You poor thing

Mrsknackered · 06/07/2017 03:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ohhbother · 06/07/2017 03:13

Oh and I've outed myself. So now I need to delete mumsnet too.
I just can't do anything right today.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 06/07/2017 03:28

You can't change the locks but you can lock the door. You absolutely can put his things out and tell him the two of you are now history.

Since he has crossed the line into outright aggression, please call the police. They will send someone out to record the damage and take details. Then you can clear stuff up.

You should ask them how to get a non-mol order. You can get one even if the home is owned outright by the abuser.

Please don't try to hide what has happened or clear it up or cover for him. The only person who is protected if you do any of that is him.

Please don't leave MN - nothing you have said wouldn't be true of hundreds or even thousands of women.

Call the teacher and say a family thing has come up and you can't see her today, but you would like to reschedule at mutual convenience. You don't have to go into details if you don't want to.

Tomorrow some time, please call Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247, and leave a message telling them when they can call you back to talk things over (if you don't get through right away).

I gather from your comments there that this man has made your life miserable for quite a while, and maybe this incident is the one that is a gift in disguise for you - maybe your beloved grandad is cheering you on towards better things?

You are not the failure here, and you are not the one who has done everything wrong.

Star
DownTownAbbey · 06/07/2017 07:41

Exactly what math said.

Ripping the doors off their hinges is a horrific show of violence. You have had a very, very lucky escape by not marrying this man. There is something very wrong with him.

You have not messed up your life! This is all a bit shit but future you will be thrilled you got out of this. Flowers

GeekyWombat · 06/07/2017 07:51

Morning OP. So sorry to hear about your granddad and everything that went on last night. Agree with previous posters saying your not so DP leaving is the best thing if he's been so aggressive. Hope you're doing better today. Slow and steady on what happens next, be gentle to yourself.

Flowers
Hissy · 06/07/2017 07:55

Report the post op, mnhq can link it back to the op name.

You will see one day soon that this is a relief and he really isn't a man you should stay with, piss poor example to your dc.

Keep him gone, let your friends support you my dear, and of course us too

It will get better

user1476869312 · 06/07/2017 10:52

A whole lot more than a 'lack of empathy' then. I'm so sorry to hear this. As others have said, call the police, ask for the DV department and let them help you get a non-mol order to keep this man away. Also, he can be charged with criminal damage for destroying your property.

GertyTheGert · 08/07/2017 00:26

MistressDeeCee what you said to me was very kind. I still feel depressed over my cat's death as the way it happened was truly awful. So for my OH to say ooh we can go away whenever we want - I'd rather have my cat back, end of, not go away with him instead. I feel for you re your friend's death too - some men I think are oddly jealous of their OH's friends - honestly, I believe that. So am glad you dealt with the situation. (I am still at 6's n 7's with my future with him as maybe he was jealous of the mine and my cat's love for each other!!!!!!!)

Neutrogena · 08/07/2017 07:57

You cannot change him so either accept it or leave him.
No point coming on here and talking about it - the decision is yours to make.

S0ph1a · 08/07/2017 17:59

Of course there's a point of coming here and talking about it. It's advice, understanding and moral support.

mathanxiety · 08/07/2017 19:15

A spectacularly unhelpful comment there Neutrogena.
There is no point joining a talk forum and posting a remark like that.

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