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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out I'm the OW

39 replies

CantHelpDancingWithTheDevil · 05/07/2017 22:48

Pity post here even though I feel nothing but anger and guilt

I genuinely had no idea. Not one inkling. Until I saw his "ex" driving into Tesco in his car - I text him and I got the reply "I'll see you tomorrow"

Will he fuck. I feel nothing but pity for the woman; and I am so angry because he always knew I'd never, ever touch a man in a relationship. He's lied to me, and made me be that person - when if I'd known, I'd have never entertained him

I don't deserve any sympathy. But I am sad, because he's been a big and long term "friend" to me - which is gone. Everything was a lie. I don't know how he's managed to get away with everything, we live in a small town - but he's not someone I'd ever want in my life

But I am sad. Because I thought it was something that it wasn't. And I am even more sad for the lady

OP posts:
NellieFiveBellies · 05/07/2017 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arealhumanbeing · 05/07/2017 22:51

Why does his ex driving his car make you the other woman?

Gemini69 · 05/07/2017 22:51

how very dare he.. 'I'll see you tomorrow'.. says it all really...

he think she's running this Show sweetheart..... stay strong and credit yourself with the good sense you clearly have in saying No More xx

MyNewKitchen · 05/07/2017 22:52

This is NOT your fault! You become the OW when you are aware they are married/committed. Is there anyone you can call? Some friends maybe to come around to cheer you up and tell you how much of a knob he is?

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 05/07/2017 22:53

ex in inverted commas human ...so not an actual ex at all

what a knobber he is OP. How did you not follow her to tesco and as why she was driving her "ex's" car?

Crazeecurlee · 05/07/2017 22:56

Echo other posters - of course you are sympathetic, you were lied to. Don't be too hard on yourself. Definitely try to let her know though if you can.

Cricrichan · 05/07/2017 22:57

Eh? Could she have borrowed his car?

Original poster
CantHelpDancingWithTheDevil · 05/07/2017 23:00

No, they're definitely together - as she took the car over to fill it up 😂 I get on with my ex but fuck that for a game of golf..

But yeah - I messaged him being like "just saw x driving your car, don't even wanna hear your excuses" to get the "I'll see you tomorrow"

As I said, will he fuck

I'm so sad 🙁 I'm actually breaking my heart here and yet I'm not the one seeing someone who was declaring his love for another woman, in her home less than 24 hours ago and speaking about the future. I've all the texts from months back to this morning to prove he considered himself single, but I'm not spiteful. She is in awe of him - much younger than us and, without being horrible, a bit of a doormat. God love her, my heart is going out to her this evening

OP posts:
Justhadmyhaircut · 05/07/2017 23:05

Do they have dc? Would you not tell her if it may stop her ttc with her 'nice guy'?

Original poster
CantHelpDancingWithTheDevil · 05/07/2017 23:09

They've no children. If I were her I would want to know - but that's not for tonight or tomorrow; that's a decision for when I've a clear head - he's a hotheaded one and whilst he wouldn't be able to talk his way out of it; there would possibly be trouble at my door

OP posts:
Justhadmyhaircut · 05/07/2017 23:12

Please think about telling her. Someone I am close to has been ttc with ivf and found out her dh has been playing away. . The fall out has been so massive. People knew but never told her. .

Not your guilt to carry if you can't though. Flowersfor you at this Shitty time.

Arealhumanbeing · 05/07/2017 23:20

It's a crap response from him. Unfeeling and almost determined not to panic at being caught.

Is there more to this though? I feel like I'm missing something.

SeaLionsOnMyShirt · 05/07/2017 23:23

"I'll see you tomorrow"... you need to reply that you'll see him next Tuesday! I feel for you, not your fault OP, you didn't know what the real family situation was. Hope you are OK.

Arealhumanbeing · 05/07/2017 23:23

Hang on. Trouble at your door? From him? "Hotheaded" is never a good thing.

You clearly have had feelings for him but can he be a knob apart from the possible cheating?

Flyinggeese · 05/07/2017 23:29

OP I can see why you'd be angry but please don't feel guilty.

I bet you anything he will try and contact you again. Be strong. Really sorry this has happened, you must be reeling.

Original poster
CantHelpDancingWithTheDevil · 05/07/2017 23:46

There really isn't much more to this story

Old friend, probably should have known better than to get involved but I guess these things happen..

But yes, whilst I have every single message that was ever written between us and some questionable photographs from him, I do like my windows and I'm not sure I'd like a brick through them

Windows would probably be a tame response from him. History of steroids, friend has enlightened me just there that there's also a history of cocaine use. Which I'm appalled at

OP posts:
Laine21 · 06/07/2017 00:08

See what the explanation is first, hopefully it is all innocent.
a wee while back my car was going to be off the road, so I borrowed the ex's car for a few days, I needed to use a car and he had a few days off. in return I had to make sure I replaced the petrol I used.

Arealhumanbeing · 06/07/2017 00:09

He'll brick your windows because you object to his cheating? Sounds like the ex is the least of it, OP. He doesn't sound like any kind of prize.

Will you be ok tonight and are you going to see him tomorrow?

Arealhumanbeing · 06/07/2017 00:13

Also steroids and coke? Bleurghhhh!!

Regardless of his explanation re the ex, cut him off and don't be frightened to involve the police if you need to.

Have you got friends or family nearby?

SandyY2K · 06/07/2017 00:17

I'm usually for letting the wife or partner know, but your safety comes first. He's not worth it.

midsummabreak · 06/07/2017 00:18

If he is potentially abusive then any threats or harassment need to be reported to police. I would not let him win You don't have to live a lie anymore and neither does his young girlfriend.

I would tell his 'x' as she is young and vulnerable to people willing to lie to get what they want and future children could potentially be involved .

midsummabreak · 06/07/2017 00:36

I respect your decision if you decide not to tell his girlfriend. Don't forget, many of us have been mixed up with assholes, myself included. I'm very glad you have escaped living your life with this person. xxoo

chocatoo · 06/07/2017 00:38

Sounds like you had a narrow escape! Sorry you are feeling sad though....

MotherPie · 06/07/2017 00:44

Just cut contact, especially if you think he's capable of bricking your windows. If he takes cocaine and steroids he'll be vile. You've had a lucky escape!

user1486956786 · 06/07/2017 03:59

If she's doormat she'd probably stay with him anyways, it's not worth risking drama telling her.

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