Just found out I'm the OW

[CantHelpDancingWithTheDevil]

Pity post here even though I feel nothing but anger and guilt

I genuinely had no idea. Not one inkling. Until I saw his "ex" driving into Tesco in his car - I text him and I got the reply "I'll see you tomorrow"

Will he fuck. I feel nothing but pity for the woman; and I am so angry because he always knew I'd never, ever touch a man in a relationship. He's lied to me, and made me be that person - when if I'd known, I'd have never entertained him

I don't deserve any sympathy. But I am sad, because he's been a big and long term "friend" to me - which is gone. Everything was a lie. I don't know how he's managed to get away with everything, we live in a small town - but he's not someone I'd ever want in my life

But I am sad. Because I thought it was something that it wasn't. And I am even more sad for the lady

Sorry all, fell asleep

I suspect his dismissive "I'll see you tomorrow" text reply said all that had to be said

It's fine. I'm a big girl and I've had worse - think I'm just mourning an illusion, I'll be grand

The "ex" can crack on - I do feel horrifically for her but she's not my responsibility either. I'll perhaps change my mind in the coming days, but right now I'm just looking forward to leaving this mess in the past

Town is small, I will come across him. The cocaine and steroids thing is definitely true, I made one or two enquiries - I didn't know this man at all, despite the last eight years of seeing him weekly, even as a friend

A part of me does want to see him, even just to hear whatever explanation he manages to come up with. And I will never, ever touch him again - but at the same time, he's probably best avoided

You're either not telling the whole story or you are assuming a fuck of a lot from his ex driving his car.

Harry I know it sounds that way - but surely his reaction says it all? No denial, no phone call? I know I sound crazy - but I am 100% sure they are together. When you know, you know

You're not the first and you won't be the last.

And even if, on the off chance, you're wrong about him cheating, being scared of getting a brick through your window when dumping him is still a really good reason to end the relationship. Do it now, before you get more enmeshed. And have an STI test.

A woman I worked with some years ago had this happen to her. She was devastated and avoided him at all costs. He stalked her and I went to the police with her for support to report him. Someone that can lie like this is really incredibly manipulative and clever in an awful way. Do not seek an explanation it will do no good. I have one ex who to this day I question his behaviour but if I'm honest he would just have twisted everything and the truth would never have been found out.

I would never, ever intentionally hurt another person, and he knows I'm very strict on my "no attached men" policy - so I'm really fucked off right now that his lies have made me be that person

But you're right; he is bad news and there's nothing he could do to rectify this. I also think he'll be too afraid of me telling her to bother me again, the trouble will only come if I do actually tell her

And I'm exhausted. I would want to know if I were here, but at the same time, I need to work on perking myself up a bit here. I'm in work like a zombie; I'm at a complete loss

You're not 'that person.'

He sounds like a complete tool. You dodged a bullet there.

Eat well, sleep well, try not to drink too much alcohol and make some plans to go out with friends.

Bollocks to him. He sounds like a total asshat.

Give him the chance to explain, ideally by text.

If he says they are split but share the car then you'll be fine to approach her and tell her how refreshing it is to see exs getting along so amicably......

He's adamant he's coming up this evening. Which just shows how much of an arrogant prick he is - there's nothing he could say to me at this stage to make anything better

I try to live positively, and I will definitely be feeling better in a few days time - eating and sleeping is out the window for the time being but that will return, I'm not always such a drama llama

Better to have found out now, eh? And here - I'm free for the summer 😂 best friend is currently bombarding me with holiday offers. I'll not drink, I'll avoid that for the time being - no point making myself worse

99% of the time I'd say you have to tell her. However, I was the other woman (or she was, never really got to the bottom of it) and decided to do the right thing and tell her.

I came under a year long barrage of threats, having my car damaged, banging on my door at 2am, threatening neighbours and friends. Having the police called on me for drug dealing (clearly I wasn't.) He tried to smash my front door down one night. He was also a steroid user.

Oh, and the police did FUCK ALL. He even rang me once screaming and threatening while they were at my house and I passed them the phone. The guy heard it all. When they approached him with all of this he told them I'd been harassing him and his girlfriend. Not true at all and not a stitch of evidence. And I had a ton of evidence of his crazy behaviour, he'd done it in front of friends, one whom was a head teacher, the other a social worker.

I gave up after I had a snippy phone call from a lady officer saying "he says you've been bothering him, we hear from you again and we'll charge you with wasting police time."

It would be a cold day in hell before I ever bothered going to the police again, don't assume they'll protect, many times they just fall short.

Don't fell bad either, you didn't know.

Although I will say you may want to talk to him. The worst rage I faced from my 'ex' was from ignoring him. It damaged his steroid ridden ego and flipped him way over the edge. Maybe swallow your anger and give a nice calm chat and walk away leaving things 'ok'. I hate to say this but if he is a bit of a Nutter you could be saving yourself a whole lot of trouble.

Take your friend up on her holiday offer.

Do you want to hear his explanation? If not just be out tonight. Block his number and email address.

You're not the first, you won't be the last. The fact that he has lied to you shows how little regard he has for you. Please don't beat yourself up about this. It's all on him. As you say, mourn the illusion.

dont answr op he doesnt sound right

OP why are you still seeing his messages? Can you block his number?

I wouldn't engage with him in any way at all.

Definitely make holiday plans!

Have you see. Him OP?