I want to leave my husband please help.

[Drywhitewine]

My husband and I have been together since we are teenagers and now married ten years with one child, two years old. He has always been quite a negative person but has got worse over the years. He hasn't got a good word to say about anyone. He doesn't like my friends or family and tries to cause arguments each time I arrange o meet them, to put a dampener on my plans. When I had my dc we agreed I would go back to work part time and a less senior role, he now constantly throws it in my face that I earn less than him. Tonight he has slapped me round the face and called me a fucking inbred because our washing machine broke and leaked water after I put it on. I do all the house work, he literally goes to work and that's it, doesn't lift a finger, ive nagged for a new machine for moths but he wouldn't buy one, despite having significant savings he won't touch. He has been aggressive before but always blames me and occcasionaly yes I have retaliated, ashamed of that. I have no money. We have amortgage on our house and over 100k of equity. He says the house is all his though! I don't know what to do. I can move in with my mum for a while to save up for a deposit on a rented place but dread the fall out of moving out. He says he'd rather burn the house down than give me half. He also says he'd take my daughter but can't see this would be possible for him due to his work (.thank god) I married for life, really meant my vows, cannot believe this sorry situation I am in. He is a different man to the one I married 🙁

Get a plan, get out, keep you and little one safe. I'm almost 50 and still trying to make sense of the abuse I suffered.

My mum is lovely, but she didnt make me safe when she could have. I was too small to make the decision for myself. I still struggle with that even now.

You have taken the first stop to recognising this issue. Don't waste it denying the obvious. Please.

Look after yeorself

I'm so glad you're married because you are in a strong position when you leave this bastard him. The man you married was a fake - who he is now is who he really is.

As far as the hitting goes, call the police. He needs to be removed immediately. The police will support you and link you up with Womens Aid - and you'll also get support from their own domestic abuse support.

You are in an abusive relationship proper - no ifs and buts about it. He sounds vile. Lots of very obvious abuse tactics eg alienating you from your family and friends, controlling you financially, hitting you. It will get worse. You must get out - but you know that. Womens Aid will support you all the way. They are wonderful.

Womens Aid will suggest you do the Freedom Programme. I have linked you to the 'find a course' page to find a course near you. It is a wonderful course and will get your head straight in record time, as well as giving you some wonderful advice and support, not just from the facilitators but others on the course, all in the same situation.

Keep it quiet though, DON'T tell him what you're planning - he's very likely to be dangerous if you let him know you're thinking of leaving. Get all the support up together as a shield between you (and the kids) and him.

Start with the police. If you don't feel ready to do that then call Womens Aid - the national helpline is 0808 2000 247 but the lines are busy during the day so it's better to call at night or overnight (if you can) OR it may be better to call your local Womens Aid office where you'll have a better chance of getting through. If you can't get through on either then leave a message/email and they will get back to you as soon as they can.

You can do this lovely. We're right behind you - many of us have done it and got through to freedom

Wonderful post by @springydaffs / I'm just offering a hand hold

Thank you. I plan on calling in sick to work tomorrow and getting my stuff together whilst he's at work particularly all the paper work in regards to the house, car (which he insists is his despite being in my name) I'm only 33, I can't live the rest of my life like this x thanks for your support

You can do it. I just finished it with my partner of 10 yrs (not married thank god) it's only the 3rd day and I feel like a weight has been lifted. Yes it's scary and I always believed you stick together no matter what. But life's to short to be unhappy.

Good luck it will be worth it

Well £100K equity is a good chunk to start over - make a plan - look at properties - think about how your life will change without him in it - keep that in your mind until you feel strong enough to take the steps

My father was like this and I'm so glad my mother had the courage and bravery to leave

Op I'm so sorry.

What a cunt. My god the fuckin gall of him. I'm so angry on your behalf.

Please, please go to your mums, you would only be staying for more.

I know how terrifying it is to walk but you have to. He will eventually turn on your little boy. These men are cunts.

Go to your mum, let her help you. You need a break, a chance to clear your mind. I bet its difficult to think straight at the moment because most of your time is spent pandering to him to keep the peace.

When I look back on my marriage I see things so clearly. One night I came home to my young baby bleeding from her nose. I'm certain my ex husband hurt her while I was out. He told me she had jumped from his arms but that's bollocks because she had woken up so would have been dozy and was well past that jumpy stage.

Please get out.

You need to go to the police and tell them about the assault, then get an injunction out against him removing him from the house for domestic violence and then see a legal aid solicitor, you will then qualify for legal aid.
You will be surprised how much of the equity you will get and your husband can get stuffed.

33! Op run!

I was 35 when I walked, married him at 24. I used to say that I wasted the best years of my life on him then I realised I'm living the best years of my life now.

You can do it!!

www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

Thanks guys. Just remembered during our argument tonight over the washing machine I had to dash out and he locked all the doors so I couldn't get back in! Funny isn't it, it's such a regular stunt of his I forgot to mention it! But if my friends had told me their husband did this tothdmi would be horrified. The worst thing is, he sees nothing by wrong with his behaviour. I have tried so hard and justify it and make excuses for him but I just cannot tolerate it anymore. I'm so sad for all the rifts he has caused/nights out/weddings he has ruined.

I don't think he would ever hurt my Daughter. I just think all his anger and frustration is aimed at me.

He hates himself op. What an utter bastard.

What other stunts does he pull?

Keep writing it down here

Hmm every time I go out with friends he demands I send him topless photos from the toilets ( I don't) whenever we have a date night out we go for dinner then he tries forcing me to have sex somewhere risky (i usually give in to shut him up). He insists on coming to anything I'm invited too ( have way more friends than he does) then moans he wants to leave as soon as we get there/slags off the event. Sounds awful wrote down but I am a very laid back person which is probably why this had gone on so long x

Everything springy said, make those calls, get a plan together before you give him any clue what's going on and then get yourself and your DC away from him. It won't get better, only worse and, scary though it is, the sooner you get out the less of your precious life you've wasted on this man.

It sounds like you are main care giver for your DD which means he can't take her from you whatever he threatens. You are also married which means it's not up to him who gets what with regard to the house, you have rights and there's not a thing he can do about that. Talk to the experts, WA, the police, a solicitor when you're safely away from him and ready to think about all that, you'll be amazed how much less scary his threats will seem when you're armed with facts instead of the picture he is painting to scare and control you.

You can do this OP, I know it's scary but staying with someone who's capable of the things you describe must be scarier surely?

I'm so sorry that he has done this to you. I bet you are a lovely person and he is more than likely jealous of you.

What would it take for you to leave? Where is your bottom line? I bet it keeps shifting as you make excuses for him. I say that nicely, looks cold written down with no tone.

What made me leave was imagining myself sitting in a chair looking out of a window and going back over my life now I was can old women. I did not want to regret staying with him and wasting my life.

You deserve to be happy.

My heartbelongs, the worst thing is I feel like he is slowly stealing my personality. I'm not me anymore. All the things he apparently liked about me years ago, now he apparently hates!

Also a lot of people have picked up he is jealous of me. I get invited to a lot of things, am still in contact with lots of school friends (he doesn't liked
this) and generally quite popular. He doesn't get invited to ANYTHiNG ever. I used to feel sorry for him.

Great post from springy for actions.Please cover your tracks on pc, delete history and cookies.He is a very abusive man so take care.

That's because everyone can see him for what he is. Does he suck the life out of the room?

Ha! Yes he does. He told me recently that he went to our local pub and he saw one of MY friends and her boyfriend at the bar, offered to buy them a drink and then over heard them say when he went to the loo, great now he's bought us a drink we will have to sit with him 😂 I felt sorry for him st the time and a bit cross at her, now the blinkers are off- she should of just declined the drink 😂

the worst thing is I feel like he is slowly stealing my personality

Don't let him steal anymore Dry, the sooner you get away from him the less of yourself you will lose and the quicker you can start getting the old you back again

You can do this - I was you and thought it was impossible but I did it.
Great idea to get all paperwork details quietly tomorrow.
I took a notebook and wrote down the phone numbers and account numbers of EVERYTHING.
Put the house bills in joint names if you can - add yourself to the account so they can talk to you if you need to change details / payments. Give a meter reading - if there's money due back to you ask them to send you a cheque or pay it directly into your new account.
Open a new bank account secretly tomorrow with a totally new bank and tell the child benefit to pay into there.
Slowly secrete some cash in your new account - add £20 cashback every supermarket shop, he won't see it.
Get your salary paid into your new account so he can't see how much it is.
Get your post redirected to your mum's for 6 months so he never sees who you are corresponding with.
Try to protect any finances you share / he knows about - he may empty your ISA if you have one and he knows the code.
Take your birth cert, passports etc to your mum's so he can't find them.

Be very careful. He sounds just like my exh - a face for public and a face for me. He turned really nasty when he lost his influence over me. I am a professional in a top job with loads of friends, common sense and university degrees, and I can't believe that I disappeared so much. I know now I was bullied and put down so muc that it was normal to me.
I had the locking out thing, the sneering at my friend's etc - now I have my own smaller house and we're free, and I fucking love it.

Bloody auto correct!
Much
Friends

It's he self employed Dry?