are kids better off with two happy parents who live apart...

[wildwoman]

Rather than two who live together and fight constantly? I have been with my not so DP for 7 years. We have two DD's. I don't love him anymore, I mean I do but as a friend who often pisses me off! My mum has always had a similar relationship with my dad and looking back I wished she had left him years ago as she has literally had no life except for being the best mum in the world. I feel like I'm following in her footsteps (bar the best mum bit!) and I just can't bear the thought of setting this example to my DD's or for growing old with this kind of life. However...I have always said that I would never break up my family unless DP hit me or cheated on me, he's done nither as he really is a good egg! I sound really whiney and selfish I know but that's why I'm asking peoples opinions on here so that none of my friends and family think I'm a complete cow!I would really appreciate people's opinions even if it's not what I want to hear.

Anyone?

yes, absolutely. I grew up in a miserable household with parents who had absolutely nothing in common. Same old story - they rarely talked, my dad was/is a drinker and spent every night in the pub, there were violent arguments and frosty silences for days, me and my brother were deeply unhappy and took it out on each other.

I've never understood why people soldier on in unhappy relationships "for the sake of the children" - far better to give everyone a decent shot at happiness (or at least some level of day-to-day contentment) bite the bullet, and split up.

I agree but I just never wanted to be the one who makes the decision. It has got to the point that I have found myself trying to make him angry enough to hit me. It never works of course becuase he is such a nice person and he loves me. I think he would be better off with soemone who loved him back.

You don't sound whiney and selfish at all, you are thinking of your children, thats not selfish.

I think its totally acceptable and workable to live separately be still be fantastic parents to your children. Your children will thrive from living with a happy mummy.

Sod what anyone else thinks, no one has a perfect life or knows the perfect way to do things, you can only do whats best for you and your children.

Good luck

Now i do think thats going a bit too far love!
Its better to part as friends having been brave enough nd have the guts to be the one to make the decision than to part as a victim who left because her husband hit her. Don't think the kids would benefit from that.

I do understand your reasons behind it though.

My parents waited to split up until my bro & i had both left home. Wish it had happened sooner. Mother was rather selfish and if not getting her own way went into terrible stroppiness, and silent treatment. We all had to walk on eggshells around her at those frequent times. I think she stayed out of pride. To my Dad's credit, even after they split, he still loved her and would have had her back over the following 5yrs, he's now seen the light and is happy they didn't reunite.

Oh god I know its stupid and you are completely right. I just sometimes feel that if I walk away without a good enough reason then I am being pathetic.

The other thing that I forgot to say is that it breaks my heart that my parents effectively wasted nearly 30 years of their lives in an unhappy relationship because of me and my brother. We carry a huge weight of guilt for that - you could say that we shouldn't, that our parents were responsible for their own decisions, but the fact is that if they hadn't had children they would have split up within a couple of years of meeting. As it is, they've only split up officially this year - and I've just turned 29!

Basically what I'm saying is that no-one stands to gain anything from you staying together if the only reason you do it is for the kids. In the short term, yes, leaving means a lot of heartache and disruption, but in the longer term you'll all be so much better off.

If you see him as a friend and you still care about him you may be able to hold on to a good relationship if you separate, but if you really don't love him as a partner you may just end up resenting him if you stay together as he won't be wgat you need in life. From experience as a child, my mum and dad split when I was seven and I'm so glad! If they hadn't I would have grown up in a very unhappy household but as it turned out I benefited from a very happy mum bringing me up in a calm and relaxed household. I also got a lovely stepmom and eventually 2 half brothers that I wouldn't have otherwise. I am full of admiration for my mum for going out as a single mum with me and my sis, she did a great job and she is very happily married to the right man now.
Good luck with what you decide but don't rush into anything, you need to do what is right for you and your dc's.

No, not stupid at all. Just normal. Ive seen this happen in RL with friends who have wanted to leave a 'lovely' man but had no real valid reason apart from not being in love anymore.

Life is very short and we only get one chance at it. If you are sure you want to leave, that the love has gone then you are going to have to bite the bullet and be the one to make the decision.

But its not all bad, it can be done nicely and amicably if done properly.
Have you talked to DH about how you feel? Would he be understanding?

There is always a certain amount of hurt caused in a breakup, even of a bad relationship, its unavoidable but, if its done properly the hurt doesnt have to last a lifetime

Hi sorry, I have been trying to work out money etc. Thank you to everyone who has listened, I don't feel like so much of a two headed monster anymore!

Good luck!!

No doubt I will be on here in six months complaining that I'm lonely!

I agree, my parents split when i was 7 and i was soooooooooooooooooooooo glad.

Some people are not meant to be together they bring out the worst qualities in each other so they are constantly showing their worst side to their children - what kind of role models are they, why make you and your children unhappy.

Happy mum = happy kids

I'll try to keep this brief - mum and dad both unhappy, he snapped at her constantly she couldn't eat an apple without annoying him because he said the noise irritated him she was always packing her bags and crying, jumping out of the car when moving to get away from him in arguements eventually she couldn't take it anymore and left in the night when we were in bed.

Since she left they have both moved on to happier, more constructive relationships I haven't seen the bad sides of either of them since the divorce. My mum found some confidence and has retrained and is now at the top of her profession and is in a very happy loving relationship with a nice house etc (my dad would never have given her that he had no ambition to have a nice house or go on nice holidays - luckily for him his new wife kicks him up the arse and has made him have a decent life, something my mum wasn't able to do - and why should she)
My dad is happier now too i believe they love each other, both quite independent and do their own thing whereas my mum and sdad spend every minute they can get together - you can see why it didnt work with my mum and dad.

My dad didnt hit her or cheat on her either. He did mentally bring her down though, she had no self esteem he was always saying she was stupid etc etc

One of the most important lessons my mum has taught me is if you're not happy with your life do something about it and if you want something go and get it.

Their break up was the making of our family, i gained 5 brothers (already had my sister) and they've all done well with their lives so our parents must have done somehting right

Good luck with whatever you decide.

The first few years will be hard but they say what doesnt kill you makes you stronger, certainly true ime.

You won't be lonely! You've got us!

Sorry my post is long already but i have more to add. I think there are lots of benefits to being apart things like....

2 holidays (we used to go abroad with my dad and caravaning and water ski-ing with my mum)
2 weekends a mth with my dad - we had never spent so much quality time with my dad and my mum got a break - unlike before when she was always left looking after us.

PS

I was in a realtionship for 8 years and was the lonliest i had ever been in my life. I was less lonely living alone with my childen. Sounds daft but its true.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and you have carried on what your own parents did in their own relationship.

I think you need to deal with this now and would suggest you seek some counselling for your own self. If this remains unaddressed your daughters may well go on to have this same sort of relationship with their men. If this cycle becomes a generational one it becomes very hard indeed to break.

Getting back to your original question now I am of the opinion that it is better to have two parents apart and happier than for children to witness fights constantly. Even if they don't see it directly they can pick up on the fact that things aren't quite right and perhaps blame themselves for Mummy's and Daddy's problems. Again it comes back to my original point in my first sentence.

do you think it has affected the way you are as a mum? (lovemygirls)

Thank you to everyone. I will try and talk to him about it tonight. To be honest I am such a baby that I will probably chicken out again.

Sorry to jump in on your question to lovely mum but... i lived in a household with very unhappy parents, they showed no love or affection towards each other and none towards their four children either, they were too wrapped up in their own misery.

When i had my children i was determined i would do a better job than my mum did with me however, i had been deprived of love and affection and had not seen or heard any loving interaction between my parents, this made things really difficult for me as a mum myself, i had to learn how to receive love to be able to give love, even with my children. Im soooooo the opposite of my mother now. But i do think that i would have benefitted myself as both a child and a parent if my own parents had split up.

In fact, i would go so far as to say that my whole life has been a struggle due to the negative influence of living in an unhappy household.

I have had a lot of work to do on myself to be able to even have a (semi) successful relationship.

Its hard to say really because who knows what i would have been like if my parents had stayed together. This is normal for me iyswim.

As a mum i believe in us all being happy, we try not to argue in front of the kids (we rarely argue anyway) I definately don't believe in staying with someone for the sake of kids, i got pg at 16 and the guy was a complete prick - in and out of prison etc not a good role model for my dd so regardless of the fact he was her dad i didn't stay with him, dd1 is now 7 and hasn't seen him since she was 3 mths old. As far as i'm concerned dp is her dad and always will be even if we did split up, dp and i have dd2 so i would expect him to see them both and dp knows this, he will more than likely adopt her when we get married in a few years time.

Like i said my mum has influenced me greatly she has been such an inspiration. I started my own childminding business as 24 which is nothing compared to what she was doing at that age, she was married had 2 girls (like me) and was the manager of a play school with 75 children. She has shown me anything is possible.

Thats something I'm worried about though, my parents don't get on and I grew up knowing that, they had seperate beds etc. What if DP is as good as it gets and I'm throwing away a potentially good relationship becuase of issues my parents have transfeered on to me?

This all feels terribly self induldgent to be taliking about my problems, esp when compared to lots of people my life looks pretty rosey.