when is it the end?

[curlymom]

Pretty obvious to most but after a lot of thinking....when did you know your marriage was over?

When he raped me 2weeks post partum. .
Too me 2 years to leave as I knew he would prevent me taking my dc (not our dc) to punish me for outing our marriage as a sham.

Sorry to hear. I hope life is much better for you now x

When I got back from work and SIL informed me that my 'D'H (now ex) was telling the family how he was planning to spend my inheritance from my father. My father was still in the process of dying! He passed away 8 months later, 2 days after my divorce was finalised.

When you know that living apart will make you happier than staying together.

When you know you don't want your DC growing up with him around.

When you know there is no way back, for either of you.

When you have lost all respect for him.

When life is miserable.

I had promised myself when we had come close to splitting yet again, that I would never go through that again - that this really was his final final chance. So when he blew it, I waited a bit for the feeling that "we can get through this" and it never came, instead I felt like "actually I can do better for me and the dc without him". So I did.

When he told me to drop dead of cancer in front of the kids because he'd taken something the wrong way. Took me a further three years though and a lot of hearache to end it. Many more incidents but him pretending to spit at me and calling me a cunt broke the camels back. The mother of his two kids who'd done nothing but put his needs first and that's how he felt to show his undying love from me. 5 months I've been gone now and he's still being abusive. Except he can't bother me so much now and I don't have to live with his constant sighs.

Thanks for the replies ladies. It's so difficult to talk about isn't it? Thinking I have to be brave

it's not difficult to talk about, it's just different for everyone so it's difficult to generalise.

For me it was death by a thousand cuts - just so many little things over the years and the growing awareness that I just didn't like him as a person. We married in our mid-thirties and had children very quickly so we never really got to know each other very well.

I know the feeling twitterqueen1. I think I find it difficult because I have been denying it for too long. That was wrong of me sadly.

For me also it was a slow build up of general things upsetting me, him not caring or blaming me. I knew it was over when I started looking at him and knowing my life would start again if I left. It was a terribly hard decision and he was devastated but I had to put me first. I couldn't bear him touching me, even holding my hand. I knew then

I'm nearly there... although I know it'll take another year or two.
There's no love left. He's my best friend, but that's it. I have no inclination to have sex with him, or even kiss him anymore. There is no respect on either side.
I'm a SAHM. I have nothing to my name... I now have to start all over again. I hate myself because I put myself in this situation.

My heart broke with the realisation and sadness that it was a sham, 7 years later after mental abuse and him finding OW we separated and 8 years to divorce. I'm now 9 years from that point in time and only now feel that my heart is mending. I understand that leaving a marriage can be a long process!

Curlymom - I get why you say it's hard to talk about. I have spent years of my life pretending things are okay. Putting a brave face on it. And for the most part that's worked.
But I've had enough of the lack of everything. I realise I need far more. We don't fit anymore. I wonder if we ever really did or if we were forcing something that shouldn't have been forced.
I've called time but it's very raw and I constantly feel bloody guilty. I have DC as well. But the more space I have the more I'm seeing it for what it was. It doesn't stop it hurting though.

Thanks ladies. I can relate to all of you. Sorry so many of us feel this way

For me too, it was the gradual build up over time. Things that maybe on their own, would have been ok but the cumulative effect ...
Like him not doing any housework, not wanting sex ever, not making an effort to get a job, making racist comments, not being able to deal with even the tiniest criticism or divergent opinion, being rude about my family, frittering away £££ on CDs, making me feel like I was forever walking on eggshells.vafter while, all respect just drains away.
I realised a long time ago that I wasn't happy but I was too cowardly to face up to my feelings. A blazing row this March led to me blurting out how unhappy I was, that I didn't love him any more and did not want to be with him.
I don't condone my way of doing it but I am so glad it is all out in the open now. I don't have feel like I'm in some terrible play, pretending to be happy.
What is it you are feeling, OP? Are you being abused in any way like some here? Or have just felt worn down over time?

Giraffey thank, not abused or even mistreated. Just leading separate lives and indifference really.

When trust disappeared, when I knew that he would never have my back and that I could never rely on him if I was ever seriously ill.

When I read the relationship sticky thread "Listen up" and knew my marriage was a world away from that.

When he told me "he was good to me" which meant he financially supported me and didn't hit me.That really was the bar he set.

When his anger over trivial issues meant I felt afraid and I realised I was assuming the persona of an abusive wife, talking gently to him so that he would not get even more angry.

When the list of cons outweighs the list of pros. Especially when it's by about 5:1.

I read that sticky as well Hermonie, and it made me realise how far away I was, or how close!
I have no respect for him anymore as he has shown me zero.
He missed out 20th anniversary, our 5th wedding anniversary and my birthday all in the same week. When I burst into tears he didn't make any moves to console me and he didn't try and put it right.
He never showed me any physical contact. We have separate bedrooms due to his snoring and he didn't do anything to address it. We are not old and I realised I couldn't live another year like this let alone another 50.
I'm sad for what could have been. But I know it never would have been.
Ironically since making the decision and him moving out, he has been far more cuddly with me. But I don't want it. It's so hard to get across to him.
He became my third child.

Curley, how long have you been married. Any children in the mix?

Hi. 25 years and two teenagers

Have you talke to your H about how things are feeling?

Mine was a build up over a number of years. Turning point was when I realised I could barely stand the sight of him.... being in the same room was even difficult so that's when I knew I had to end it.

When he took just 1 day off last summer holidays was the final one