Ex calling me a peasant because I got a job in Tesco.

[alpacasandwich]

My ex is a very questionable person at the best of times and I'm not sure why I keep him in my life.

He has turned on the charm for a while now, being sweet, complimenting me and asking about my life.

He was trying to convince me to have him stay over. I said that I'd be working as I just got a part time job at Tesco over the summer (I'm a mature student).

His tone suddenly changed and he started calling me a peasant. I said I'm not going to see him at all if he speaks to me like that, and he said he won't stop calling me a peasant as it's what I am.

I want to block and delete him (again) but I feel like a loser because I always end up talking to him again when he's being nice.

Help me grow a backbone? I'm an idiot.

Thanks Attila, what you said was very insightful!

Mum has actually apologised for a lot of things and respects my boundaries better now. She has examined her own relationship with her mum (who is very overbearing) and is correcting things with me. For example, I hate having my photo taken and I managed to ask her please not to do it. She hasn't taken my photo without my permission now for several years, which is amazing.

I have blocked the ex and am trying to focus on myself. Work is very good for my self-esteem at the moment; I am a hard worker and doing a good job is satisfying. Additionally, my managers are very pleased so far and I get good feedback.

I explored BACP before. I had a bit of a bad experience with a counsellor; she diagnosed me with borderline PD within 20mins of meeting me. I have a dignosis of recurrent depression with BPD traits when I'm depressed. I found the whole experience quite rushed and unsettling, and didn't go back. I would consider trying a different counsellor.

I got in contact with someone about the FP but it was impossible to attend while I was at university; I could look into it over the summer.

Thanks for your kind words, everyone.

Alpaca,

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles.

Your dad was her willing and weak enabler; her hatchet man who gave you a variation of the line, "don't make me unhappy with the wife I have chosen". He also needed someone like your mother to idolise.

An enabling fatherisone who facilitates his wife's abuse of the children, who worships completely at her altar and expects the children to do so too. Or perhaps he does not worship as much as fears her; but the result is the same: he is her sidekick, making sure that she is kept happy no matter the cost to his children. Like many such men he defended her viciously and assiduously.His need to feel that he’d chosen a good wife was more important than protecting his children.

It also shows that he needed to believe his wife was perfect, or near it, to feel he had chosen a good wife. And so they were both caught in this dance of believing her perfect and doing all necessary to preserve that illusion. I would think their love for each other was really an unhealthy codependency.

My guess is that they have not fundamentally changed. Have they ever properly apologised or even accepted any responsibility for their actions?. Your mother may have done to some extent but your dad?.

Alpaca

Do look into counselling. Counsellors however, are like shoes and so the first person you see may not fit. Do consider trying BACP and have a look at NAPAC's website as well when you are able to do so.

Am very pleased to see that you're doing great at Tescos. Long may that continue.

Oh god, me and dad never talk about that kind of thing. We live our relationship very much in the present moment.

He was always a more easygoing parent. When I was being a (pain in the arse) teen going out and getting drunk and so on, he was the one to pick me up. He supported me when mum was not around; when I got older he'd make the odd comment about "that's what your mum's like" or "you know what she's like".

When I was in my early 20s he would even complain about her a bit. Thinking about it.. it was probably because she picked on him more when me and my brother had left home. There were no distractions left in the form of kids.

She is very critical of dad nowadays and makes him out to be a bit of a monster. I think she believes he was always abusive to her.

Mum has apologised for things, dad hasn't. I think dad thinks that our family life was normal and OK, really. Good, even. But he wasn't really there.. mum insists that when I was 4, he came home and I asked who he was (but she could have exaggerated to make him feel guilty, I take it with a pinch of salt).

Dad phoned me a few months ago when I happened to be having an episode of depression.. he heard I was crying and freaked out, saying "does your mum know about this? she's really the one to talk to.." but after a while offered to come and visit me at uni and asked if I'd taken my medication. He knows stuff about my MH through mum but we never speak of it directly as I know it makes him uncomfortable.

My friend from school is an area manager of Tesco, earns 6 figures. Be proud, work hard, forget the ex.

Have a think about why you started up communication again and how you can prevent it from happening again?

You know he's abusive and you have no kids together. Why can't you just tell the worthless sack of shit to get to fuck, block him on all channels and pretend he doesn't exist?

alpaca

Did not think your dad has ever apologised to you, unfortunately I was right.

Your further post re him are yet more examples of him failing you as his child. "That is what your mother is like" comments were him basically telling you to suck it up. He has and continues to fail you as his DD to this day as well. You do not need him.

The ex is back. I got a message at 3am from a second FB account:

Why u block me? The peasant stuff was a joke
I wanna cum see you

Block block ignore ignore ignore. Complete NC is the only way for you to move on OP

He's trying to reel you back in. Block & maintain silence. Hopefully he'll get bored & move on.