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Original poster

Escorts - perspective urgently needed

78 replies

rebelrebel3 · 03/07/2017 08:04

So I've been reading the 'husband watching porn" thread and thinking about the spectrum of views - right through from condemnation/ disgust to comfortable acceptance - and am wondering if the same re use of escorts? My dp has a thing for this and despite claiming to have put it behind him, whenever I check up on this (ie stalk him, I know it's wrong but I get desperate at times), then there's always a last time within the last few months. Because he can't talk openly about it and lies his head off, I'm then left having to assume he does this quite a lot - I don't mean daily (he wouldn't have the time or money) but it could potentially be as much as once a week, just in terms of opportunity. At my most anxious this is what I think - but if if I had to put money on it I'd guess at 3 or 4 times a year.
We have a great relationship in all respects except this but it's hard not to let it affect everything else, especially how I feel sexually. One of the worst aspects is not knowing how to respond, sometimes I have to split up with him but mainly I'm telling myself to find a way to cope better, be more accepting etc - which is why the porn thread was so interesting. So many of you seem to have accepted that watching porn is a normal part of life and crucially, you've stopped wanting to control your man's behaviour / sexuality (or perhaps you never wanted to control him in the first place). I think I'm quite controlling and I think this comes from a place of fear and wanting to feel safe /loved for who I am, which I never have. DP feels i am intrusive and over-demanding - that I should accept there's a 'him' who I have a relationship with and other aspects that are none of my business. I don't really know how he feels at heart about the escort thing - I think extremely mixed up, but at least part of him thinks it's a normal part of male sexuality (he's said this on occasion) so when he talks about it as something he's given up, like an addiction, it lacks credibility.
Sorry this is so long- winded but I would love to know your responses - would you try to accommodate the escorts or would see this as - dealbreaker.

OP posts:

Booboobooboo84 · 03/07/2017 08:11

it doesn't matter what we think it matters what you think. Do you want him sleeping either escorts? If not then you end the relationship or stops sleeping with them. Men don't need escorts. It's the same with porn there's no right or wrong answer just in a relationship you go with what you are both comfortable with. X

Thephoneywar · 03/07/2017 08:12

He's actually having sex with people...

caffelatte100 · 03/07/2017 08:13

It would be a deal breaker if I knew my DH was seeing escorts!, There's no doubt about it. But do you know or just suspect?

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 03/07/2017 08:15

rebelrebel, I feel so sorry for you. Of course this is a dealbreaker. I can't think of any sane woman who wouldn't see this as a dealbreaker.

In order to that he can use them as disposable wanksocks rather than seeing them as human beings. Add to that that he is being unfaithful to you (which would be a deal breaker even if it was a consensual affair) and exposing you to STDs. And he's left your self-esteem in shreds on the floor.

The real question is what's going on in your head that you are trying so hard to normalise this behaviour. I can only assume that there's either some level of emotional abuse in the relationship as well, or that you have grown up in some kind of environment that normalised this kind of behaviour. (I've always thought it no accident that the doyenne of happy-hookerdom, Belle du Jour, had a father who used prostitutes and even introduced his daughter to them when she was a teenager).

You should, in an ideal world, LTB. But I'm guessing that's not going to happen immediately, not from where you are at the moment. So I'd recommend counselling to work out why you have no self esteem and no boundaries.

Because really this is a deael breaker and it's not normal to see it as anything else. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

leighdinglady · 03/07/2017 08:16

Is this for real?

NSEA · 03/07/2017 08:16

There's a big difference between watching other people have sex and actually having sex with other people.

I don't like the thought of porn at all. Escorts is a lot worse. IMO.

lanouvelleheloise · 03/07/2017 08:16

Absolute dealbreaker.

This is SO different to porn it's untrue. The two situations aren't even close to being similar. He's being unfaithful.

This is NOT a normal part of male sexuality - though those who do it in committed relationships always seem to pull that shit that they're just red-blooded males. They're not. They're exploiters of women working in the sex industry, and cheaters.

Chickydoo · 03/07/2017 08:16

Ask him how he would feel if you did the same.

merville · 03/07/2017 08:16

Porn - no issue (unless it seemed excessive), I use it too.

Escorts (???!!!) - DEALBREAKER

I honestly don't even get putting them in the same category.

(Unless a man's porn use involves live webcams etc. - which is moving into escort territory - that would be completely unacceptable to me too).

LucyLocketLostIt · 03/07/2017 08:16

Deal breaker

pinkyredrose · 03/07/2017 08:16

He's routinely cheating on you and you're wondering what to do?!

Why are you putting up with this, you're not that desperate for a guy in your life surely?

MiniMaxi · 03/07/2017 08:17

I haven't read the porn thread but there's a very clear distinction to me.

In my mind and in my relationship, men watching porn is pretty unavoidable and it doesn't bother me that much. There is no actual third party involved.

Men sleeping with escorts is not the norm. I would be horrified if my husband did it and it certainly wouldn't be OK by me.

Some people might feel differently, just as some people are ok with an open relationship, but if you're not comfortable with it then that's your right.

regularbutpanickingabit · 03/07/2017 08:18

This is so wrong on so many levels. I can't believe he has got you feeling so worthless that you even have to ask the question.

Ok. In no particular order:

It is hugely disrespectful to you to want to have his cake and eat it, to value you so little that regularly getting his rocks off with a paid-for stranger is more important.

The vast majority of 'escorts' are exploited. This is not about women desperately awaiting his call and pitifully grateful that such a wonderful man chose them to make love to. This is a business transaction that the woman is very unlikely to profit from. It is sordid, ugly, abusive.

He is outing your health at risk. Serious risk. You can guarantee he does this a lot more than you think and you can guarantee that his attitude is that he doesn't give a shit about the prostitute and he doesn't give a shit about you.

You are not controlling and he is not mixed up. Wanting a monogamous relationship and not funding a sex trade is not controlling. Continuing to justify using prostitutes because of his male sexuality is bollocks.

Your family money is funding this. You are paying for your husband to shag someone else, multiple times a year. Are you happy with that?

Emboo19 · 03/07/2017 08:19

Is he ok with you sleeping with other men?

As Boo said it's not what anyone else is ok with it's what you are. You don't sound like you are ok with it though and it's certainly not something men 'need' I don't believe porn is either.

For me a man sleeping with escorts is a no go even if it was while single and before they met me. I want a partner who views sex as a mutually enjoyable activity not something he's entitled to or can buy.

Thephoneywar · 03/07/2017 08:19

Yeah it's definitely not acceptable unless you both honestly and openly agree as part of the boundaries of the relationship.

Paying people to have sex with them is cheating. It's not acceptable in 99.9% of relationships. It's not comparable to porn in the slightest.

LTB.

Angeldt · 03/07/2017 08:19

No yanbu for having a problem with his escort use. It is wrong. It is degrading to you. It is cheating. It is putting your health at risk. It is wrong on so many levels. I'm sorry but he has no respect for you and quite frankly if you allow this to carry on by accepting it happens you are disrespecting yourself. I would be telling him you cannot (will not ) allow this to be done to you and end the relationship. You deserve more from a relationship than what he is willing to give.

merville · 03/07/2017 08:19

Would your husband be ok with you having sex with male escorts?
(Some women do, you know)

theboud · 03/07/2017 08:22

You're using a completely different issue to minimise his behaviour. It's like someone starting a thread to moan about their DH getting drunk at a party and you concluding that it's fine for your DH to drink vodka with breakfast.

I'm sorry he's doing this and that he's persuaded you that it's just 'an expression of his sexuality'. It's not, it's infidelity.

merville · 03/07/2017 08:22

As others have said - I wouldn't even knowingly get into a relationship with a man who'd used escorts/prostitutes before we met - it says something about them that makes me think they are not relationship material.

Emboo19 · 03/07/2017 08:23

I do get the similarities between escorts and porn though both are people being paid for the sexual enjoyment of others.
There's also a lot of exploitation that goes on in both. That's my biggesty problem with them.

Emboo19 · 03/07/2017 08:24

Biggest!

Finola1step · 03/07/2017 08:33

There is a big difference between watching porn and having sex with another person (paid or unpaid). So many issues to consider here but I will jump to an obvious one. Your DH watching porn does not put your sexual health at risk. Your DH having sex with others then having sex with you puts you at risk of a whole host of STIs. Some which can have life long implications.

OnTheRise · 03/07/2017 09:47

Has he been telling you it's reasonable for him to do this, and that you're being unreasonable in objecting to it? And that you're being controlling, and working from a place of fear, as you said in your post?

I wonder. Because those things sound to me like a husband who uses sex-workers bullying his wife into accepting it, when she's having perfectly reasonable objections to it.

If my husband used sex-workers I'd get rid of him. I really would.

Starlighter · 03/07/2017 09:55

Hang on, is he actually having sex with escorts???

60percentbanana · 03/07/2017 10:57

I consider myself fairly laid back (don't consider my husband watching porn or having a lap dance as being an issue for example) and I also believe that for some people, though probably a minority, having an open sexual relationship within certain boundaries would work. The boundaries of any relationship are entirely defined by the couple.

However the fact you don't want him to use escorts, and the fact he continues to do so and lie to hide it shows that the problem lies with him, not you. It doesn't matter what other people are happy with within their relationships - you aren't happy and he continues to ignore that in favour of his own satisfaction. He has zero love and respect for you - and if he hasn't been motivated to change this far he never will.

You only get one life, so best not waste it on someone who is clearly a total asshat.

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