What helped you to get over unwanted divorce?

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I feel I am doing all the things people tell you to: see friends, throw yourself into work, new hobbies etc. but I still feel so wobbly and still well up randomly. I feel lonely being surrounded by families, couples and pregnant friends. We have no dc.

Separated one year, and I have just got the divorce petition. After reading the grounds I feel as if I have been hit by a lorry. There are still feelings on both sides but we both went through some horrific personal stuff and he thinks he will have a better chance to recover when on his own. I wanted to try together.

With it being a year, it's hardly a topic anymore amongst family and friends. They expect me have moved on by now. I haven't though.

What has helped you?

Fake it till you make it.

Literally keep on socialising and doing stuff even if you don't feel like it. At some point people you will start enjoying yourself.

Also write your feelings down if you don't want to burden others.

It's tough though xx

Acceptance that it is over and there is no going back and creating a new life. But this can only be done in time and the length of that time is something that only you can manage.

It took me ages. A few years i think and I still get niggles. I lost so much and self esteem took a bit too.

definitely do all the self care and hobbies etc. Write I a journal - I found friends and family didn't want to hear it/much less sympathetic after a year but I still felt emotional pain.

Oh and after the dust settles maybe try self referred counselling for the free 6-8 weeks . Not everyone is in a state but I felt my whole life had been ripped apart.

Yes I struggle with acceptance. I know this sounds stupid but how do I get there? One would think finding divorce papers on my doorstep would have done the trick...

Don't expect to be over it in a year!

You're just starting the dreadful divorce process, which is bound to stir up feelings - so you're normal for feeling the way you do.

I was nowhere near over it at year one. Now over three years and I feel I'm on the mend now. Many I know needed 3-4 years before their self-esteem started to build, the yearning started to wane, and it didn't dominate every waking moment (and disturb sleep).

Things that helped: buying a new bed and bedding!

Such a little thing but it utterly changed my sleeping patterns.

Moving house/redecorating/getting new furniture - replacing the "ours" with "mine" (my crockery haunts me...)

Also as little contact as humanly possible is best too. We get obsessed with the "why" of it all. Best bet is to take up as many new hobbies/invitations as possible until something comes along to capture your imagination and interest.

I made friends with women who were also "going through it" which gave me a place to vent and discuss my feelings. Has been really helpful in that they listen as I do for them. People not in heartbreak will try to "quickfix" you - and heartbreak doesn't always heal quickly. It's physical and emotional hurt - but they can't see that so will say "Just do this/that"...

But most of all: be kind to yourself!

Start thinking about what sort of life you want for yourself in the future. See if you can become the architect of your dreams. Stop thinking about what you want for yourself going forward. Whilst are you thinking about your future you will have less time dwelling on the past.

Good luck to you. It's time for you to get excited about life, be brave.

Sorry...start thinking ......

Thank you everyone. I am scared that it will take me a long time to get over it. I'm 35, I always wanted a family.

I have bought a new bed and step by step tunr our home into my home. I know it's the divorce that has brought things up again, but today I feel right back at the start and the tears won't stop.

Not surprised you feel upset by this. There's no rules to grief op, cos it is a grief, a loss. X

That's tough, and I understand the fear at 35
I think we all wish we could fast forward into the future where it doesn't hurt anymore
Time. That's what I am holding on to, that in time it will ease.
It's viceral the pain. With good days and bad days, I wish I could be the kind of person that just moved on.
Sending you

Do it seems time and forward outlook is key? I was hoping for a magic potion

I am a year out and still have off days but am miles better than I was.
I redecorated my living room, went to places with the kids that I chose and whenever I wanted not when his work schedule dictated. I took his photos down gradually. We went on holidays with friends.
But the biggest thing I did was try online dating. I got talking to a man who had been through something similar and who was very patient. We have been seeing each other for about seven months now and I love him to bits! I initially went on online dating as a distraction never expecting to find love again but you never know what's round the corner.
Also be kind to yourself, get yourself little treats, cook what you like to eat and buy yourself some new outfits to give yourself a little boost

Thank you, ibeg. I will have to do the online dating thing eventually but don't think I am quite there yet.

Glad to hear things are looking up for you now.

I read some advice here that helped and that was to change your mental channel when you find yourself brooding over it. Put the radio on; call someone; come on Mumsnet. Get through the days and the pain lessens bit by bit. You will get caught from time to time - I shed a few tears at the school family picnic which surprised me as I've been so much happier recently. Online dating helped me as I had people to chat with and some pleasant evenings even if it didn't lead to a relationship.

Making the house mine with bedding and decorations. New photos in frames of good times after he left, realising my life is better now, having a new relationship

Redecorating seems to be a theme! I transformed 'our' home into mine - made his studio into a beautiful guest room so friends could visit. People do assume you're over it as on the surface you're coping, but I often ended up in tears once I got home after work. Started seeing someone else 18 months after he moved out but was still very wary and emotional at times. Much happier now though than I ever was

Yes, redecorating seems to be so throne indeed. I've been working through each room, money permitting, and will carry on doing this.

I know what you mean about the surface thing. I seem fine at work but have the occasional cry on the way home in the car.

Time, more time, getting together with someone else, more time, falling in over with said someone else, realising that exH just didn't matter to me any more.

I had a lovely group on here called dumplings in 2010 and that helped massively. We spoke everyday about our divorces and it was so supportive. I also went on a divorce workshop type thing and met loads of friends going through exactly the same as me. We're still friends now.

And of course time. You hate it when people tell you that but time helps.

I agree with redecorating and buying new "things".

I remember buying a new house phone. Every time I looked at it it gave me so much pleasure.

Ditched my signature perfume too and found a new one. Started wearing lipstick rather than gloss.

Spotify playlist of uplifting tracks. I'll give you some suggestions:

Pink - Rock Star
The Heavy - How You Like Me Now
Erasure - Love to Hate You
Little Mix - Shout Out to My Ex
Kelly Clarkston - Since You've Been Gone

I also played Florence and The Machine Ceremonials album non stop which is a bit dark but I really related to.

9 months here - basically the real;isation that my husband is a cruel dick.
I'm feeling I'm better off on my own. I concentrate on my garden, crafts and take it easy. There is no need to dash out and socilaise, give yourself all the time you need.

Thank you everyone. Yes to uplifting songs and concentrating on hobbies. The problem I have is that I till have hope, which is stupid I know. There is still a little voice in me thinking maybe one day. I don't know how to let go.

I have been trying to find a support group but there don't seem to be any. I feel silly for struggling so much.

Sneaking into this thread. 4 months since my DH announced he was "unhappy" and so much so it was over. We were childhood sweethearts, have 2 Dc's and he just ended it. No chance to work on things together...just gone. I have been destroyed. My poor parents have dragged me off the floor, fed me (literally) and cared for the children when I was too distraught to. I still feel utterly stunned by it all. I had known things weren't "quote right" with him but he had a new job and we have two young kids and I saw it as a phase in our life. I asked him a thousand times of he was ok, if he was happy, if anything was bothering him....and he dismissed it all. Then one day - gone. I am still in a world of pain most days - but slowly I am starting to rise. I have been having counselling and I am on antidepressants both of which are helping. Practically i have been changing things very slowly in the house - each time it's painful but afterwards it feels like the house is becoming more mine. I have also started to focus on me abit more. Little things I enjoy like hot baths and reading to try and bring me some happiness. Although I tend to find I still sit in the bath staring into space with tears running down my face most days. One thing that has helped me is writing a list on my phone of his faults. Once you start looking there are plenty - I add to it whenever i get annoyed about something he used to do or things I used to tolerate. Some are big things, some are petty but sometimes I just get the list out and read through to remind myself he isn't perfect and maybe one day il find someone who is - oh and they might love me back!

Is there a reason you think there is still hope OP? Or is it is just wishful thinking.

I think you will get to a point where you wouldn't touch him with a barge pole, you are just not there.

For me, I phoned him to ask him something re our house (a technical thing only he knew about it) and it was clear he didn't want to be helpful, so I told him to fuck off and that he would never hear from me again. Haven't really looked back tbh. That was over a year after we split though, so it took some time to get to that point.