What helped you to get over unwanted divorce?

[Wheretogonext123]

I feel I am doing all the things people tell you to: see friends, throw yourself into work, new hobbies etc. but I still feel so wobbly and still well up randomly. I feel lonely being surrounded by families, couples and pregnant friends. We have no dc.

Separated one year, and I have just got the divorce petition. After reading the grounds I feel as if I have been hit by a lorry. There are still feelings on both sides but we both went through some horrific personal stuff and he thinks he will have a better chance to recover when on his own. I wanted to try together.

With it being a year, it's hardly a topic anymore amongst family and friends. They expect me have moved on by now. I haven't though.

What has helped you?

It's been just over 6 months since my husband walked out on me and our 4 children following me finding out he'd been having an affair.

He broke me, and it's been so bloody hard. I was probably stronger in the initial couple of months than I am now as it's sinking in that this really is it and there is no going back. I've had to really try to find my feet, hold it together whilst caring for the children and I need to rebuild my entire life as I've been a SAHM for past 10yrs.

In the very early days I redecorated my bedroom and that gave me a boost. I haven't done anything else to the house as it will be sold soon as part of the financial settlement so will save my ideas for my new home. That's quite exciting, although a bit scary not knowing when or where we'll be moving, but it will be 100% mine and I don't even have to allow my ex over the threshold

I've accepted a job offer, I go out as much as I can at weekends, I lean rather heavily on my very good friends (I am unbelievably grateful for their support) and I've just joined the gym. I still have days where I struggle to motivate myself but I allow myself those days now, and likewise with the days I find I'm just blinking back tears - I now have a damn good cry to let it all out. I see a therapist weekly which helps me validate how I feel...she tells me it's ok to feel sad/angry/bitter/unreasonable for now as I do find I'm trying to run before I can walk some days as I'm so reluctant to let my marriage breakup define me. I want to be over it right now and need to accept it's not as easy as that.

Yes I'm still bitter, he's not the man I spent 20yrs of my life with and we communicate only via text or solicitors now. My decree nisi went through today which I've found tough but actually not as tough as I thought I would.

I just keep telling myself I've come a long way in 6 months so in another 6 months life will be even better.

Oh and online dating is a great distraction although not without its pitfalls as I'm so insecure now as a result of what that bastard did to me.

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. We all seem to be on the mend, in our own time.

I don't know whether it's wishful thinking or not. I just feel that we are not quite done. He feels the same but can't quite bring himself to make that step. It's hard to explain without being so detailed it's outing. He has made his decision though for now, and I need to move on for my own sake.

Hello Wheretogo,
I have a different story to tell which, I think might give you a little hope.
My DH and I have been married for many years and we went through a period of huge personal stress. During that time he had an affair, approx 2 years ago. I had a rebound relationship for about 8 months. DH and I have both tried to start divorce proceedings but neither of us bring ourselves to actually do it.

I can't explain why but, like you, I have always felt that we should work at putting things right and that we still have a lot of love to share.

We have remained very close throughout and have contact several times a day for the last few months...so much so that we have set the date when we are going to try a reconciliation. We are going to try 4 weeks. If we can't make it work, we will then go down the divorce route knowing we have given our relationship every possible chance.

We have each written down what things led to the breakdown of our marriage and we have talked endlessly about it. We have also written down what we need from each other and the things that are important as we move forward. There are also deal breakers which we have agreed.

Time will tell if we can do it. Others have. I wouldn't be trying if I didn't think we can .

pretty, thank you for this. What you describe what would be my ideal outcome. I just want the chance to see if we could work, nor as the couple we used to be but find a new 'us'.

I have asked him outright last night though and he definitely wants the divorce and can't imagine us trying anytime soon. So I guess I will have to force myself to move on.

Oh and I hope you get the outcome you want

Hi, my husband has done exactly the same thing. He said he wasn't happy and left. He will not have any contact with me, he has blocked me. I am finding things really hard and I wonder what my future will hold. Can I ask, are you managing to continue working?

It's really really hard, basically. But you've had some great advice here which I'd echo, especially making the house your own and all those little things to rediscover yourself.
I was in limbo for a couple of months after my ex left, clinging on to the hope that he'd change his mind/come to his senses and realise what a mistake he was making. Needless to say he didn't, and if he did now (just over a year later) it would upset me greatly. Mostly because it's far too late, but also because I'd love to but know in my heart it would be such a bad idea that I couldn't do it. It's taken me a long time to get there in my head though.
Two things stuck out for me from your post. The first is that your hope for reconciliation relies on your ex, which I can relate to, but is so detrimental to your self esteem and recovery process. I'd work on drawing that line for yourself, difficult though it will be.
The second is that you feel your friends and family think you'll have moved on. My friends and family know I haven't and don't expect me to either, it might be useful to find a more understanding network (online probably because of covid). Best wishes OP

I'm watching this thread with interest from the point of view of my dh. I want to end things, but can't face how much I'll hurt him. He knows I'm not happy, and have told him we will never ever again have any physical relationship, so it wouldn't be out of the blue, but I just can't do it. Every day I imagine how it will affect him and it just stops me. My ideal outcome would that it wouldn't be anything like this, he would find someone to love and to love him, and everyone (especially dcs) would be ok. I wouldn't mind being on my own. Is this possible???

That's a really difficult position to be in waking and although my ex went about things the complete wrong way (affairs are never acceptable, just finish it first) I can appreciate how hard it must have been for him to end our marriage and stick to it, especially because I didn't let him/us go easily. It's often likened to ripping a plaster off and I think that's a useful way of looking at it sometimes. It will hurt like hell at first, for both of you, but if there's no way of healing/reconciling then really it's delaying the inevitable and probably making you both deeply unhappy, and possibly resentful on one or both sides. Ending a relationship takes balls to be honest, forcing the other to end it by being unnecessarily cruel in whatever way is a cowardly way out. Is it worth exploring counselling? If not to repair your relationship (which you sound fairly sure won't happen anyway) then to help you break up amicably so you can coparent well.

We've been to counselling @Heartbeats0708 and really my plan was to use that session to get everything out and tell him straight that it was over, having been to a few sessions on my own before that. But I backed out, again because of the thought of hurting him. Everyone I know who has been through this tells me that it is exactly like ripping off a plaster and you just have to do it. And yes, I am trying to push him away be being cold, which I can see now isn't working and was never a good idea in the first place. Not that I do it intentionally, I just can't be around him. I know what I have to do, but it's so hard. And I am so sick of hearing myself say that.

Similar position myself except that I filed but only because of his cheating... I don't want to be divorced. I want to have my lovely happy family unit with the man I thought I married.
Anyway, I'm going to counselling and it's the cycle of grief that we're going through and acceptance is the final stage, but where the person you have lost hasn't actually passed way, it takes longer to get to acceptance and you will bounce in and out of the stages frequently. She said there is nothing you can do except to live it and acknowledge it. I've started writing a journal (so not my thing!) But it is helping and I can also see which stages of grief I'm maybe in. I spend a lot of time in and out of denial right now 🙁. So not much advice to share sorry, except to maybe look into counselling if you're struggling x

waking I really sympathise, you sound desperately unhappy. Does he know you want to end it, and understand that you mean it? Or is he hoping it will all go away if he ignores it?
It's a big decision to make and especially with DC's as you're trying to think of everyone's happiness without sacrificing your own but not being a selfish cow either.
The pushing him away and being cold isn't going to work I'm afraid. If anything it usually has the opposite effect and he will want to cling. It's also a bit cowardly (sorry) as you're essentially trying to encourage him to leave you.
No one wants to be the bad guy but it could be better to do it sooner rather than later before it gets messy.
Cycle of grief makes a lot of sense and I hadn't really thought of it as different due to the person you've lost not being dead. In some ways it makes it much harder but in the earlier days I got good closure from seeing my ex move on. It bloody hurt but it stopped the wondering if he'd come back.

Thanks @heart I think he is ignoring it and hoping it goes away. I haven't spelled it out as in 'I want us to separate' but I have told him how unhappy I am, that I and sick of living without any intimacy, but that I don't want it from him. I've told him the things that have worn me down to make me feel this way and he hasn't changed any of it. For example, he knows I can't stand him having his politics programmes on the telly over and over again every night, he can see that everyone goes upstairs out of the way, and here I am again upstairs sitting on the bed with my youngest. But just earlier tonight he was talking about the mortgage as I've been sorting out a new deal today, and that "we've only got 13 years left to pay, wahey!" as if he's looking to the future with us together. I just don't want that. He seems to be content to rumble on. I'd love him to move on, but to be frank.I don't think anyone would have him!

Thank you, I know your right. I need to draw a line under it and move forward. After 8 months though, I am feeling just as bad. I dream about him all the time. It's the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing at night. I sure hope it gets easier.