Is this BorderlinePD, Sociopath or what???

[Lipsy21]

I'm in a very complex situation at the moment. My partner and I have been together a year. He has MS and I have chronic illness also, this is how we met. I'm 31 he's 26. When we first met it was like love at first sight. I have had 2 serious relationships before and none were ever as intense as this.
Anyway, he did warn me he had problems with his mental health due to his MS. He also told me he had a history of drug abuse, driving convictions and gambling. Yes most people would run for the hills, but I was confident in myself, am independent in my finances etc and felt that he had a past and was no longer like this.
The whole time we have been together he hasn't touched a drug, driven dangerously or gambled.

However, something he does that really upsets me. Is his moods. I have never witnessed anyone being so full on before, he will do this for weeks/days....constant texts,wants to see me all the time, when we are together we plan the future, he will literally act besotted with me.
We recently broke up as I couldn't deal with his moods anymore and he took a fit of rage toward me one day. However, he had been under immense pressure due to various things going on with his health, I didn't help as I was constantly nit picking.

About a month later he asked if I'd see him. I did, we didn't have sex or anything just chatted. He sat and cried and told me I was the love of his life and he can't live without me so we decided to give it a go. TWO days later he tells me he cant do it as he can't get over the fact I went on ONE date with another guy whilst we split. Yet he kissed someone at a festival. Double standards. So I was heartbroken again,couldnt make out what was going on. I decided to block him on every thing.

Then last week he must have caught wind that I was off on holiday. He then emailed me from a new address.

Anyway, I went on holiday and he started basically begging me back, emailing constantly. When I got to the airport home, here is standing with a large bouquet of flowers and a sign saying "mrs "his surname". I was in shock but it did make me feel good. He said to me he wanted to make up for the way he had behaved in recent months and I was the love of his life and he wanted to be together. He had also been to see my mum and apologise to her. My dad was away working otherwise I dont think he would have done that.

I ended up accepting, much to some of my family and friends' dismay. We spent 3 days together this week. It was amazing and I just felt like we were completely in love and happy again. He sat and cried, looked me in the eye and said im never letting you go again and I'll never treat you badly again.

Past two days, he said he isn't feeling good with his MS. He has basically started to completely withdraw again. Texts are cold, dry and infrequent. I can sense the change immediately.

I do not know how someone can go so hot and cold with someone they love. I have witnessed his mood swings a lot and they scare me. He can literally despise his mother one day and then a week later say aw its just our relationship I love her really.
He changes his mind about lots of things very quickly. Sometimes I wonder if it is the MS, or borderline personality.

Other times I just think he clearly doesn't love me. If I say that to him he will say "how can u say that". Very odd.

I am sick of the anxiety that comes with him. Things can be amazing and intense, then boom....nothing! I feel as though it makes me crazy.

Please be kind and don't tell me I am just some mug. The relationship has been complex and I would have walked ages ago if I felt he wasn't worth it. Although I am very much at the stage where I am ready to walk now.

*you're

The fact he can treat you like shit and then reel you in with only a small gesture will be incredibly attractive to a man like this. He thrives on drama, it literally feeds him and spurs him on.

I wouldn't want to suggest a medical diagnosis as mental health is very complicated, however he obviously has issues with controlling you and your relationship in a really unhealthy manner. I guarantee this is only the tip of the mountain. If you were, for instance to move in with him or have a baby with him you are more than likely to find things escalate very, very quickly.

Move on. I know you're in love but the heartache of walking away at this stage will be far less painful than the pain this man will inflict on you over the course of a long term relationship.

The Freedom Program is NOT just about domestic violence and I agree you do need it.

The fact he treats his mum so badly is your signal that you will always be treated the same.

If you have a good or okay mum, you treat them with respect even if you're somtimes fed up. If you have a bad one sometimes people walk away but they do that with self-respect.

He sounds so volatile and deeply emotionally unstable. Whatever the reason for it, you aren't going to get happiness in this relationship or stability and if your health is not good, stability is worthwhile. So is self-respect and when some is jerking you around like this, your own self-respect will get shattered.

He sounds a bit scary from all you say. Unsafe emotionally.

Poor you OP , I'm in a similar position - someone keeps pulling me back into his life and it's so hard. But you need to cut contact and block and don't get drawn in.

Think of yourself and put yourself first. I don't think it necessarily helps to diagnose - at the end of the day it's a headfuck and you can't engage at all with it. I know where you are with the anxiety as I get the same but it lessens if you go no contact I promise you.

Thanks everyone. I now know what I have to do to get over this. I'm just feeling very distraught at the moment. Literally 2 days ago we sat in his and he said he was the happiest he felt in months having me back in his arms. He was telling all his fam/friends we were back etc. Now this.... It is very difficult to get my head around it

Agree with another poster who says the longer you stay the more emotional damage they can cause.
I thought i had coping strategies and made lots of excuses for the shit behaviour. It was the most intense/abusive relationship ive ever had in my life! You need to run, dont even look at why he is doing this just get away from it & dont be reeled back in. It is soul destroying.

Dont think about how 'happy' he feels, take a look at how shit YOU feel. You need to protect yourself.
Yes it is heartbreaking to walk away, after all you were sold the 'love' dream. Hes playing games with you, you need to get away for your own wellbeing

Now this.... It is very difficult to get my head around it

He stalked you enough to know when you were going on holiday. He knew when you were due back. He blows hot and cold in order to keep you on the back foot all the time. You aren't even allowed to enjoy yourself on holiday without him sticking his oar in. It really isn't that difficult to get your head around once you realise you are in a relationship with an abuser.

I agree with being very very dull. You need to block him properly [if he was blocked, how is he getting into about you? Either he wasn't blocked or someone is feeding him...or he has some sort of keylogger on your IT so can see everything you type]

My ex very similar, telling me he was madly in love with me one minute, planning the future etc etc and then the next bam! He kept reeling me back in, and it caused me so much anxiety. I spent too much time wondering what was going through his mind. You need to put yourself first OP and that means cut yourself off and concentrate on healing and moving forward.

Easier said than done I know!

I have worked with a couple of people with MS in the past and my experience was that their moods were very intense and often labile so that may be part of what's happening here. That doesn't, of course, mean that you want to have a relationship with someone but it may provide some element of explanation.

www.mssociety.org.uk/ms-support/community-blog/2015/01/mood-swings-and-ms

He sounds like a fucking nightmare. You can do better than him love.

You need to cut him out and then accept that this is no reflection on you. He had these issues before you met. He is crackers and dangerous mice on

You will be fine but not with him.

It's not your job to fix someone else. Look after you.
X

You do not need to understand why he is the ways he is, you are not responsible for his actions. The longer you stay within this at all the worse it will be for you.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, who taught you to be a rescuer?. Its intense precisely because of the highs and deep lows. Read up on codependent relationships as well and see how much of that ties in with your own experiences to date.

He was also never your project to rescue and or save and your relationship with him really has been a disaster from the get go. He is NOT worth all this angst.

Enrol yourself on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and extricate yourself from this crash of a relationship asap. You've been taken by him for a right fool.

This is a really bitter pill to swallow but I just have to deal with it and be strong. Feeling extremely heart broken, shockrd, numb

It's a power game isn't it, don't play.

I was recently with someone like this. He told me beforehand he had BPD, but was seeking help. He would go hot and cold as you described. I tolerated it for a long time as I have my own MH issues and he used to 'pick me up' whenever I was going through a bad time. Honestly believed it was all I was worth.

Earlier this year, he started sending me photos of him with his ex partner(s). Just out socialising as friends. I never responded. Then just two weeks ago, I bumped into him, he told me he 'loved me' etc (he knew I loved him). The very next day, without even saying anything to me, he listed himself as 'in a relationship' with another woman. Honestly, when I saw it, I had never felt so worthless. I felt like I wasn't even worth an explanation.

During this time with him, I was almost a completely different person. I lost friends and I lost my full support network because I couldn't see what was happening. All he had to do was send me a message saying "I'm so down, please help me" and i'd literally go running, but when I was down, he was 'too busy' socialising.

You honestly have my full sympathy. It is awful, but these men are hard work and I soon realised that actually, we can't help. He has always used his MH issues as an excuse to do that to others and judging by how he is now, I can't see that changing for a long while.

You're welcome to message me any time. It is hard, but you'll get there. Mine is still very recent, so i'm not over it, but am glad to be out of it. You deserve so much better. Look after yourself

Good grief, what actually queen. You don't need this. As everyone has said, get out. And fast.

I have ms, it gives me mood swings, it doesn't make me an arsehole though. I appreciate everyone with ms is different but I rather think he's blaming the illness for the fact that he's just not very now ce.

*nice... you get my drift...

He is a classic narcissist. This is textbook narc behaviour - the love bombing, hoovering when it looks like you might get away, blowing hot and cold, pushing and pulling so you never know where you stand. This is almost exactly a description of my relationship with my narcissist ex.

Op this behaviour is called "intermittent reinforcement". It's incredibly powerful and the reason casinos and gambling addictions exist. Sometimes he treats you as a goddess and sometimes like shit on his shoe and you never know which you'll get so you hang on in there hoping it will be the great treatment again soon. Please, please get out. Go no contact and mean it. It will be hard - you are his source of supply and he will come at you with everything he has, grand gestures, declarations of love, proposals etc (my ex did this). It is all bullshit designed to reel you back in. I had to threaten my ex with a restraining order to get him to leave me alone.

You aren't a mug/idiot - you are an empath, kind and compassionate and you have decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Don't. It's how I ended up in 2 abusive relationships in 3 years. He has told you who he is - a liar, manipulator, reckless and selfish. Believe him.

Good luck OP and stay strong. Once you are away from him, the fog will lift and you will wonder how you ever put up with it xxx

You are not a mug.

You are not the first person to have this happen to you and you will not be the last. Behaviour like that which you describe is crazy-making. It doesn't matter why he does it. What matters is that you feel crazy. This is not a relationship that is good for you.

I've not done the Freedom Program but I did do something similar after having some problems. I recommend it if you get the chance. It helped me, not only in romantic relationships but in how I feel about relating to people in general.

I agree about doing the Freedom Programme. That grand gesture at the airport is the kind of stuff we have all been conditioned to think is romantic, but it's really not.

Thanks for posting about intermittent reinforcement that was really helpful