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Original poster

How long does it take to get over somebody

48 replies

starshaker · 01/07/2017 21:41

My relationship ended nearly 2 months ago. I am still completely devastated. The pain I feel is awful. Its physical, theres times I can't even breath because it hurts so much. When will it stop, how do I turn my feelings off? I miss him

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/07/2017 21:47

How long is a piece of string?

It all depends on the circumstances of your break up.

This may help you
www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 01/07/2017 21:48

It's time. It's different for everyone and you hate it when people say it takes time but it does.

I'm so sorry. It's so hard in the early days.

SleightOfHand · 01/07/2017 21:51

Sorry you're going through this, it's bloody awful. Best to go completely no contact if you aren't already. Best wishes to you.

Original poster
starshaker · 01/07/2017 21:55

The ending was confusing. We were so good. At least I thought we were. It was sudden, completely out the blue. We had just had a weekend together that was perfect. We never argued. He was stressed and said he just couldn't do it anymore. He said when we were together it was perfect but then he went back to reality and it was too difficult. We had our own little bubble. We used to talk all the time and text. Ive lost my best friend. I would do anything to have him back in my life

OP posts:
FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 01/07/2017 21:57

What did he mean by 'back to reality'?

Original poster
starshaker · 01/07/2017 22:06

We live 4 hours apart. When we were together he didn't need to deal with work issues, ex wife or any stresses. It was just us. If he came here he was part of the family, the kids loved him and he fitted in to our life perfectly. If I want down we chilled out and it was just the 2 of us

OP posts:
Itsnotmyday · 01/07/2017 22:11

Im 4 months down the line and feel as of im getting stronger day by day, i dont cry anymore. That 'raw' feeling is starting to fade. I remember the incredible pain i felt, i still feel it but it is lessening. It really does get easier.. and its so cliche but time is the only thing. Keeping busy and going absolutly no contact.. and no contact meaning blocked on EVERYTHING. I only started healing properly when he could not contact me anymore. I know it feels like a horrendous nightmare but you WILL come out of it a stronger person, im so sorry your going through it

Original poster
starshaker · 01/07/2017 22:15

I can't do no contact. Its too hard. I tried already. I don't know if he's managed to turn off his feelings or if he really didn't feel anything at all. I felt like he loved me, maybe I was wrong

OP posts:
FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 01/07/2017 22:20

Sounds suspiciously like my ex's girlfriend Grin

He finished with her about 6 weeks ago as she was doing his head in & he (apparently) said to her the same as your bf has said to you to 'let her down gently' rather than just being honest.
Obvs the chances of you being her are one in a million, but my advice would be the same regardless...

What are you actually getting from the relationship?
Does he let you down often, or is he usually reliable?
Do you feel like an equal or do you constantly feel like you're competing for his time & being treated as an afterthought?
Do you feel like he has made you a full part of his life or are you completely separate to his 'reality' life?

If you can't say honestly that you feel loved, cherished, respected & a full part of his life then don't chase what isn't there.

I finished with my ex after I discovered his affair - it took me about 2 months or so to stop feeling completely bereft, and within 6 months I was ok-ish. By a year I had started moving on properly & it was at about 18 months that I realised I was completely over it/him.

I was told by a friend to expect a month for every year together, and that was about right really.

hatetobyc · 01/07/2017 22:25

Jesus Christ, I don't know how to handle these matters ladies. So many of us with broken hearts:(
It has been only a week for me:(
It took me 5 years to get over ex H after his affair emerged.
Had a string of senseless dates/fbuddies plus one platonic but mutual thing with a married work colleague... (never acted on it and he moved away).... and after 5 long years finally met the guy I thought might be the real deal.
Now, 5 months down the line and sharing so much of great times together, he realised he is till 'in love with ex'.... fuck my life.

I know it does get better with time. Had done that before and survived, and it was more to deal with as was with ex H for 11 years and was also mourning after losing my family, as we have a DD.
But the pain I feel now is not much 'smaller' tbh.... so sorry for all the people who have to go through this, life is just a bitch:(((((

I just hope that a couple of months down the line we will be able to look at it without the pain squeezing our gut:(

MyUsername200 · 01/07/2017 22:27

Time time time. That's what helped me get over my ex and the break up. At first it felt like the saying 'time heals' was a cliche but it honestly does help.
I hate the horrible raw feeling after a break up, it's awful but it does get better I promise. Keep busy, make plans and go no contact with your ex, feels so difficult at first but honestly, going NC with mine helped massively.
You will get over this I promise.
Sending lots of Flowers & Brew

Original poster
starshaker · 01/07/2017 22:28

We were together for a year.
He never let me down, He always made the effort with me. I felt loved for the first time in my life. We were a team.
Being part of his reality life was difficult because he had just left his wife and he was dealing with the fall out etc with that so I wasn't part of that.
And no before anybody asks I know he hasn't gone back to his wife

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 01/07/2017 22:28

Couple of weeks, dust yourself down & get back on the horse.

There are over 3 billion people of the opposite sex in the works, the concept of "the one" is bollocks. Don't let an ex mess with your life in your head

TheNaze73 · 01/07/2017 22:28

World even!

Original poster
starshaker · 01/07/2017 22:30

I am dealing with so much other shit at the moment, the person who made me feel safe, loved, and secure isn't here for me anymore.

OP posts:
FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 01/07/2017 22:35

It does honestly fade, really.
Just be kind to yourself & ride it out.
Agree with PP - no contact is the best thing - it seems unbearable at the start, but it's the best thing. Flowers

ceecee32 · 01/07/2017 22:51

Been nc with my ex for about 5 years. Still miss him, think of him fondly and wish I knew what was happening in his life. I don't think I ever will truly get over him. He was my best friend for 15 years. I can't go back though

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/07/2017 23:07

After eight years with my ex, it has taken me nearly six years to say that I am finally free of the 'what if' feelings. Six years of NC, not stalking his Facebook or ever hearing from or about him.

He left me in similar circumstances to the OP, went from being the perfect couple that everyone wanted to be, to 'it's not working, I'm leaving'. I was devastated, utterly utterly crushed, and if it hadn't been for my kids I might have done something stupid. But yes, six years now and I can finally say that I wouldn't rush to meet him if he got in contact and begged me for a second chance.

debbs77 · 01/07/2017 23:08

I am seven years on, a four year relationship and two more children, and I can still be reduced to tears about my ex husband. But not my second ex

Queenofthedrivensnow · 01/07/2017 23:35

Not sure. Nearly a month for me. The first bit I went out partying as much as I could and had a whale of a time. Other times I've sobbed over pictures.

I'm not myself and I was sent home from work after I broke down on a colleague.

We are no contact but for the kids it's likes he died and that's very hard.

SandyY2K · 02/07/2017 00:37

What's helped me in the past, was realising the person I had these feelings for, obviously didn't feel the same way, otherwise the end wouldn't have happened.

I need love on an equal level and I know I'm worth more than that.

I often find men who have come out of marriages, realise that they can easily get NSA sex, without the effort of a relationship.

Could simply be that he never gave himself enough time between his Ex and you.

Being alone after a marriage break up is advisable.

Ask yourself... Do you think he spends time thinking about you and wishing you were together?
I doubt it.

Don't let him consume you thoughts. He's just one man.

MistressDeeCee · 02/07/2017 07:16

Time will heal. Take up a hobby, something youve always wanted to do. Go out with friends even if you dont much feel like it. It may take a long time to heal. .its horrible but you have to go through the fire as it were. Honestly - if a man doesn't want you anymore there's nothing you can do. If you dont go no contact then youre setting yourself up for even worse heartbreak. No man should be put on a pedestal. All the things he was to you another man can be, in time. Even if you dont believe so. Go no contact and live your life - despite what he's said to you, he will certainly get on with his and wont be moping about you. I hope you don't get caught in the dreaded "ex sex" trap...

Lovingitlovingit · 02/07/2017 07:41

I thought that link that sandy posted on no contact was really good and just what I need myself at the moment eg don't stay friends, if they contact you asking how are you, don't respond.

mylittlepony6 · 02/07/2017 07:57

Have a look at you tube. There is are love removal thing. I think the guy's name is Dan Brown or something like that. You just put your headphones in and listen to it. It's really good, try it x

user1496940061 · 02/07/2017 08:14

Hi

I think time is the key but I also find talking to close friends really helps.

I'm a guy going through something similar and I have good and bad days. I also have 2 kids so can't block ex at all !
But my friends have been like a rock to me, just listening and suppporting. They don't slag off me ex GF just support me.

From all what I have read on MN. It will get better and the pain will go

I really believe things happen for a reason and that good things happen to good people.