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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling very insecure

49 replies

BumblebeeTea · 01/07/2017 11:17

Name changed for this.

Looking for an outside perspective on my relationship as would love to know if I'm being unreasonable or not.

My DP and I have been together for about a year now (don't live together yet and no kids).
In the first 3 months of our relationship he was very hot and cold and kept breaking up with me (at least 5-6 times). I was quite vulnerable at the time as was having a few personal problems, so I kept taking him back and clinging on to him even though he wasn't making me very happy.
The last 8 months have been very different - we have been getting along great, very loved up and are planning to move in together soon. He admitted his behaviour at the start was because I was "bigger than what he'd normally go for".
I was a size 16 then and have since lost 2 stone and am close to a size 12 now. I'm very insecure about the way I look so it hurt to hear him say that, but I guess he was just trying to be honest with me.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, he is still very keen for me to lose another 2 stone and is in regular contact with his ex (who is very slim and attractive) and is even going to a music festival with her next weekend for 2 days. She is getting married soon and he swears there's nothing other than friendship between them now, but it still makes me feel like an insecure wreck.
I'm approaching 30 and I'm very conscious of the fact that I want to have kids and settle down with someone within the next 5 years and I don't want to waste my time on anyone who isn't right for me.

I really love him but am I being unreasonable to be upset that he's being so pushy about wanting me to be a size 8 and the fact he's got an unusually close relationship with a beautiful ex? Would these things bother you or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:
Justhadmyhaircut · 01/07/2017 11:18

He isn't right for you. .
Run run run. .

NameChangr678 · 01/07/2017 11:20

This has alarm bells all over it if I'm all honest

DiamondShine · 01/07/2017 11:27

What a horrid thing to say someone!

DuggeeHugs · 01/07/2017 11:29

The relationship with the ex probably wouldn't bother me, but the fact he kept pushing me to reach the size he'd 'normally go for' would. I don't think you're being over sensitive about this at all.

AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo · 01/07/2017 11:30

You're not being over-sensitive. As others have said, as hard as it sounds, I think you're best to cut your losses and not waste any more of your life on him. You deserve better.

thatorchidmoment · 01/07/2017 11:32

Nope. A relationship should not be conditional on your BMI. The maintaining unhealthily close contact with an ex is also a huge red flag.

Ditch an extra fourteen stone immediately by getting rid of him. There are lovely men out there who will not make you feel insecure and will love you for what you are, not try to mould you into something you are not.

Please find the self-respect to walk away from this situation before you bring any children into it and you become completely entangled with this waste of space.

TeachesOfPeaches · 01/07/2017 11:33

He's a twat OP. Don't waste another second - would you want your future son to behave like him?

PenguinOfDoom · 01/07/2017 11:36

Gosh, that was very selfless of him, to do you the favour of dating you when you were a size 16. Whatta guy!

He sounds like a prick, if I'm honest. What's all this 'he's keen for you to lose another two stone' ? What then? Will he reward you with an engagement ring and extract a promise that he'll marry you if you never exceed a size 8?

Run.

MickeyRooney · 01/07/2017 11:36

But you are wasting time on someone who is not right for you!

by the sounds of it, he's not right for any woman tbh.
he's very toxic because no-one should say the things he's said to you, to anyone.
and i wouldn't be happy with the way he's swanning off with his ex. that's not right.

you should break up with him.
he's a mean person who will only make you unhappy.
you can do a lot better.
ditch him now and then open up to meeting a nicer man.

BaronessBomburst · 01/07/2017 11:37

He sounds horrible.
Go and find someone who loves who you are inside.
What will he think of you when you are pregnant and waddling? That'll be the next stick to beat you with.

numbmum83 · 01/07/2017 11:38

What happens then if you reach a size 8 , will he push the boundary again and say actually I don't like insert hair colour you need to dye your hair and then he doesn't like what you wear and before you know it you're his doll.
Why would he get with you if you wasn't "his type" it's obviously always been his plan to change you. Go find someone who will accept you the way you are !

grungeneverdied · 01/07/2017 11:41

The weight thing is bang out of order, it shouldn't even be a factor if you're already partners. The ex thing well, an ex should be a thing of the past he should focus less on her and their friendship and more on building a partnership with you. If I was you I'd start to distance myself emotionally then once you've got far away enough mentally call it a day nicely and move forward in life. That's the easiest way to break up with someone in my opinion.

blankface · 01/07/2017 11:48

I'm very insecure about the way I look so it hurt to hear him say that, but I guess he was just trying to be honest with me

He doesn't want you, he wants a plastic doll on his arm to show off and to wait at home and fulfil his every need. He's taken you on as a project, to see how he can "improve" you. Some men do this as a bet from their friends. It's a disgusting way to treat a kind sensitive human being.

Run girl, run. As fast as you can. You need a kind loving man, this one is neither.

Original poster
BumblebeeTea · 01/07/2017 11:50

Thanks for all your replies!
Very interesting to see other perspectives as I was starting to think I was just being silly. Sounds like my gut feeling that he's not treating me right is bang on though.
He used to constantly make comments about other women (slim women) being hot. It got to the point where we couldn't even turn on the tv without him having to point out a woman to me and I eventually told him to shut the hell up about it.
We had a big argument last night as we were out on a date and he was texting his ex several times arranging the plans for the music festival. I just saw red and had a very direct conversation with him about how shit he was making me feel.
He was mortified and really apologetic saying he hadn't realised how upset I'd been and how much he loves me. Bit late for apologies though and I feel like the damage to my self esteem has already been done

OP posts:
grungeneverdied · 01/07/2017 12:19

He's not sorry. I'm a guy, I know how some work. I'm in a serious relationship and I respect my partner enough to not be good friends with my exs. I'll politely say hello if I happen to see them but I wouldn't sit texting them. Disrespectful, run.

Isetan · 01/07/2017 12:35

You've making this about him when it really isn't. If your confidence and self respect was higher, this chancer would be long gone already.

Do you really want to be in a relationship when how he feels about you is dependent on what the scales say? Your self esteem is ultimately your responsibility and choosing (yes that's what your doing) to be in a relationship with someone who regular undermines it, is masochistic.

happypoobum · 01/07/2017 12:38

Bin him.

Not all relationships last and this man just isn't good enough for you. He is creepy about other women, thinks it's OK to go away with an ex and makes you feel shit about yourself.

I would just dump him and move on. Flowers

2littlemoos · 01/07/2017 12:39

He sounds dreadful and how will he feel if you one day have a big bump!

Will he be frowning at you for eating some cake when you are trying to lose the baby weight (if you want to try of course!).

I think the seed has been planted now and he/you will find other things to scrutinize even if you do lose weight.

Get RID!

Easier said than done but you are still young and will find someone far better. Don't waste any years on him.

2littlemoos · 01/07/2017 12:40

And call me jealous but no way in hell would I allow this sort of contact with an ex.

WithCheesePlease · 01/07/2017 12:45

Oh no, each sentence just gets worse and worse as I read it! Please break up with him now, he is not good for you!

Moanyoldcow · 01/07/2017 12:58

He sounds vile.

Alexkate2468 · 01/07/2017 12:59

Agree with pps - you need to break away from him. Don't think I can add anything extra to what has already been said but just wanted to put another 'vote' for the 'get up and leave' side. All the best, OP Flowers

Naicehamshop · 01/07/2017 13:19

No. Just no.

MyheartbelongstoG · 01/07/2017 13:57

Throw him in the bin.

Joysmum · 01/07/2017 14:10

Wow, imagine how you'd feel if you got pregnant. Sad

My dh is a big man. Not once did I ever play games with breaking up with him because of his as I actually LOVE him.

Not once have I pushed for him to be smaller for me.

Not once would I point at slimmer people as being more attractive than him.

Not once would I be texting exes or making plans with others during our quality time together.

You've got a serious problem, and that's why the hell your expectation bar is so low. He's really not a catch.