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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feeling very insecure

49 replies

BumblebeeTea · 01/07/2017 11:17

Name changed for this.

Looking for an outside perspective on my relationship as would love to know if I'm being unreasonable or not.

My DP and I have been together for about a year now (don't live together yet and no kids).
In the first 3 months of our relationship he was very hot and cold and kept breaking up with me (at least 5-6 times). I was quite vulnerable at the time as was having a few personal problems, so I kept taking him back and clinging on to him even though he wasn't making me very happy.
The last 8 months have been very different - we have been getting along great, very loved up and are planning to move in together soon. He admitted his behaviour at the start was because I was "bigger than what he'd normally go for".
I was a size 16 then and have since lost 2 stone and am close to a size 12 now. I'm very insecure about the way I look so it hurt to hear him say that, but I guess he was just trying to be honest with me.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, he is still very keen for me to lose another 2 stone and is in regular contact with his ex (who is very slim and attractive) and is even going to a music festival with her next weekend for 2 days. She is getting married soon and he swears there's nothing other than friendship between them now, but it still makes me feel like an insecure wreck.
I'm approaching 30 and I'm very conscious of the fact that I want to have kids and settle down with someone within the next 5 years and I don't want to waste my time on anyone who isn't right for me.

I really love him but am I being unreasonable to be upset that he's being so pushy about wanting me to be a size 8 and the fact he's got an unusually close relationship with a beautiful ex? Would these things bother you or am I being over sensitive?

OP posts:

RockyBird · 01/07/2017 14:11

Make him insecure...dump his sorry arse.

PsychedelicSheep · 01/07/2017 15:13

If your body shape is naturally quite soft and curvy it's likely that you'll find it very difficult to maintain being a size 8 and could end up under nourished and miserable. Not everyone can comfortably sit at that body weight, especially if you are tall. A 12 is realistic for most body types.

What would he say if you said no, I'm not going to lose weight I'm happy as I am thanks?

isitjustme2017 · 01/07/2017 15:47

He is playing on your insecurities and this is a form of abuse!! He knows you are self conscious about your weight yet he comments on other women who are slim? what sort of a man is he?
He probably takes pleasure in making you feel shit about yourself and also the control he has in making you lose weight.
Once you reach the weight he wants, he will probably dump you anyway.
Sorry to be blunt OP but this man is awful and I urge you to ditch him and find someone who loves you for who you are.
As for the ex thing..... NO, NO, NO. He is doing this to make you feel bad about yourself too.

AufderAutobahn · 01/07/2017 16:06

Your gut feeling is correct. He is the problem, not you. Get rid now, it doesn't sound like you will ever be able to please him because that's just how he is.

ZiggyForever · 01/07/2017 16:13

I don't think he's good enough for you, OP. He sounds very disrespectful; as if he doesn't consider your feelings at all. A loving relationship should make you feel better about yourself, not worse.

redandwhite1 · 01/07/2017 16:20

OMG

Get rid before it's too late, I don't like the sound of this guy!

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 01/07/2017 16:26

Awful behavior by him. I would not be having DC with this guy. And he's probably still fucking the ex btw.

Bin.

Original poster

BumblebeeTea · 01/07/2017 16:30

Thanks everyone.
It's been a real eye opener reading all of your responses.
Its so strange because if I was reading this thread by another OP then I'd be rolling my eyes and telling them to just LTB. Funny how much more difficult it is to do that when it's me going through it though.
I'm seeing him later and I'm going to sit him down and tell him that I don't want him going camping with his ex next weekend at the festival (he got a free ticket for it so it's not as if he'll lose any money) and I'm also going to be telling him that I won't be losing anymore weight as I'm happy being a size 12.
If he's not ok with either of those terms then I'm going to leave him as it will cement the fact he's not treating me right. There will be no backing down on my part as I don't want to waste a minute longer with him unless he accepts those terms

OP posts:

AufderAutobahn · 01/07/2017 16:43

Hmm, I think the fact he thought it was OK to treat you like this in the first place pretty much states he's not good enough for you, don't think anyone should have to have it spelled out to them that breaking up and making up with you, commenting on your weight, comparing you to his ex and going to a festival with her are all disgusting and disrespectful things to do. I know 'LTB' is far, far easier said than done when you're in the midst of the situation, rather than a outsider commenting on Mumsnet, but there are lots of good people out there who are much more worthy of youxxx

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/07/2017 16:47

I've been with DH for over 25 years. I have never had to layout terms demanding such basic respectful behaviour like that.

MartinaMartini · 01/07/2017 17:01

Didn't want to read and run. Totally agree with previous posters that he's not worth the time or effort.

You sound very similar to how I used to be: ignoring the blatant red flags as focusing on the good bits meant I was half a step closer to being married/ having kids/ achieving what was my dream... and dumping him would have meant starting over.

From experience those red flags only get bigger and problems get worse. It's much harder to cut ties further down the line once children are involved and your self esteem has been completely down trodden.

Be strong now and find true happiness sooner, rather than wasting time trying to make him fit. He never will.

2littlemoos · 01/07/2017 17:05

Even if he accepts what you say surely every time you walk past a slim attractive woman, or see them on tv, you are going to be paranoid about what he is thinking and most likely start putting yourself down again? Just bear that in mind OP.

Let us know how it goes

ImperialBlether · 01/07/2017 17:07

Don't bother trying to change him. What you want is someone who's nice, not one who keeps quiet in case you yell at him.

I'd be uneasy about him going away for a trip with an ex girlfriend - when did that become an OK thing to do?

Original poster

BumblebeeTea · 01/07/2017 17:15

I know you're all right! Just have to psych myself up to let go of the idea that he and I are going to settle down together 😞

OP posts:

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/07/2017 17:24

Oh Bumblebee (great name), bin him off !
Don't even bother giving him an ultimatum, he truly isn't worthy of you.
Let him do whatever he likes, and find yourself a nice man, remember there can be no love, without respect.
Tell him to jog on.🐝🐝🐝

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 01/07/2017 17:35

OP - there are good men out there. Good men are nice without having to be told.

Tell him that he's a bigger arsehole than your usual type and you're not willing to compromise

2littlemoos · 01/07/2017 17:42

Yes bin him. Bin all your old clothes if you haven't already and go treat yourself and strut your stuff! Go on a night out feeling and looking amazing!

You have done well to lose weight and should be celebrating that and feeling good about it rather than being told it's not enough.

AufderAutobahn · 01/07/2017 18:17

Exactly what 2littlemoos said! 😀. You have achieved plenty and you're more than good enough! It may feel painful ending the relationship for a short while but nothing compared to a lifetime of hell with an emotional abuser. Actually, do you think you might even be immediately happier? Imagine a life without someone who makes you feel this awful. No more worrying about your appearance and how you shape up compared to his ex. Picture your life without this crap in it. You have the rest of your life to lead now.

merville · 01/07/2017 18:24

Lots of great replies, just to add (as another poster already said) - size 8 is not a realistic or possibly healthy size for many people to get to and maintain. What's wrong with size 12, it's not overweight, it's healthy.
His preference that that you now reduce to that (having, as others have said, done v well to drop 2 sizes) rings alarm bells for me.
(As does the inappropriate level of interaction with his ex; how would e feel if you were going to festivals and camping on your own with your ex?
Pointing out other women he wants you to look more like makes him sound like a cnt. I dated a man who pointed out other womens' boobs whose size he liked and he was a cnt too; v successful financially but otherwise an immature, flaky, serial philandering, misogynist, flaky who was too 'thick' and deluded to see his family's (and anyone sensible's) real opinion of him. It's not a character trait that bodes well.

merville · 01/07/2017 18:25

Sorry that was flaky twice lol Did I mention he was flaky.

HazelBite · 01/07/2017 18:47

Take the new and fabulous size 12 you and find yourself a new and fabulous boyfriend

LexieLulu · 01/07/2017 19:21

I hope your conversation goes well op :( xx

lobsterface · 01/07/2017 19:22

He's a dick. Ltb.

2littlemoos · 02/07/2017 09:43

How did it go OP?

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