Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend using escort/swinging websites

52 replies

Sarahhere1992 · 30/06/2017 08:12

Hi all, sorry this is my first post, I often read this website for advice etc but I really would appreciate advice for my own situation if possible.
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. He has always been kind and we get on so well, we are in love, or I thought we were. We've talked about children and marriage etc.
Anyway, we moved in renting together about two months ago. In the first week of moving in, I was using his laptop to look at old photos. I saw there was some in his trash box, when I opened them , I found pictures of himself with signs saying 'fabswingers' and his 'username'. There were two of these, one from a few months ago and one from a year ago. I was so heartbroken, when I looked into the website, this was to verify his account was his. I checked the usernames on the site but they had since been deleted. From this I then went on to find that he had a secret 'kik' messaging app account and lots of females on there, even a secret 'snapchat' account with girls on there too. When I confronted him about it he sweared that he just used it to 'look' and would never cheat on me. I forgave him and we gradually got back to normal.
But yesterday my curiousity got the better of me and I checked his google search history. Baring in mind he keeps his phone and laptop very secret and I actually had to find his laptop undernearth some cupboards. When I got on there I found that he had continuously been using 'fabswingers' 'adultwork' etc throughout our whole relationship. I have found out that adult work is an escort site, he also had lots of searches into different mobile numbers and 'escort review' sites. He had searched directions to different postcodes from his house, most of the postcodes being houses around this area, hotel etc.
The one that upset me most is that just before moving in together he had searched 'how to get and sti test, where to get an sti test, can you get an sti from oral from a female, can you get an sti without ejaculation, how long to wait before testing for chlamydia'. I regularly get tested and he knows this, and knows there is no way he could possibly get an infection from me.
I just don't understand any of it. Our sex life is amazing (I thought) and very regular. I'm so upset, I don't know what to do with myself.
I know he has previously met people for theesomes, as he has told me this, but it was all before we met.
I confronted him about it, the worst thing was that he was most angry that I'd gone on his history. I told him to tell me the complete truth and I would try to understand and get past it, but he still swears he only looked and would never ever cheat on me. I asked him to explain the sti test, the mobile numbers, the postcodes etc, and he said he will explain but can't right now. He hasn't even said that he's sorry or got upset. I honestly thought he would breakdown and tell me the truth and we could try to get over it but that's not what happened :(
Sorry for such a long post but I don't know what to do and I've lost so much sleep over this.
Thank you for any help Smile

OP posts:
user1477054316 · 30/06/2017 08:18

My goodness. I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this awful situation. My advice is to run, run while you have no ties to this man. It sounds very likely that he has been paying for sex, or sex acts (sti search for oral for example). I guess you'd have to check his bank for unusual withdrawals etc but it sounds like you've been getting huge red flags heoughout the past two years and put too much hope and faith into this man. He is notto be trusted and has put your sexual health at risk too. I'm so sorry but you are definitely worth much more than he is able to offer.

AnyFucker · 30/06/2017 08:20

You have been warned. If you stay with this guy you are a fool.

newdaylight · 30/06/2017 08:21

You deserve and can do better. I know it's hard to turn back on what seemed a good relationship....but that's what he's done

TheNaze73 · 30/06/2017 08:22

I really don't think there's much point in carrying on your relationship.

He's cheating on you. A deal breaker for most people. He's clearly not happy, as he wouldn't be paying for sex outside of the relationship.

I'd end it.

Foniks · 30/06/2017 08:30

Why will you "try to understand and get past it" if he tells you the truth?
I'm sorry, it's a horrible situation, but the only thing to understand here is that he's a filthy cheat. No doubt he continued to have sex with you while he was thinking he might have chlamydia- no concern for you or your health, and Chlamydia can cause infertility if left untreated!
Please, don't try to get over it and stay with him. He will continue to lie and cheat.
Leave him now before you end up wasting too many years on this loser, he's already cost you two years. Leave him, you can find better. You don't need to accept this.

Teddy6767 · 30/06/2017 08:35

If you stay then the only outcome is for you to feel constant paranoia and end up getting even more hurt by his actions over time.
Often when men pay for escorts and chat to multiple women on social media it's because they are addicted to the thrill of it. Even if he ends up admitting everything to you and promising to stop, I'd put money on him finding sneakier ways to get his fix. Having a secret phone or saving up tenners here and there so he can then go and pay for an escort without having to withdraw money from his bank in one go.
I know it's hard to let go of something that you thought had serious potential, but you need to leave this man ASAP and never look back.
He's a liar and could have cheated on you multiple times during your relationship.

AdalindSchade · 30/06/2017 08:39

Literally the only sane thing to do is break up with him.

FrencheoGrammaireo · 30/06/2017 08:45

Sounds like you also need another STI check I'm afraid.

I can only imagine it's a devastating situation for you - all your dreams coming crashing down.

But you have a choice: you know who he is now, you didn't before. He's been doing this all throughout your relationship. So either you find this acceptable and sign up to very regular STI checks for the rest of your life, or you leave and find someone who has the same concept of monogamy as you (and most people) do.

You trusted the person you love. You've done nothing wrong. He has lied directly, lied by omission and cheated.

noenemee · 30/06/2017 08:52

I'm really surprised you feel the need to ask for a second opinion Sad

This isn't a one off, isn't in the past, it's his lifestyle choice.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/06/2017 08:52

he said he will explain but can't right now
Of course he can't explain right now.
He needs to think about a reasonable explanation that you will swallow!
Sorry but this 'man' is a liar and a cheat.
You know what to do.
As hard as it is, please value yourself and run away from this serial cheat as soon as you can.

twattymctwatterson · 30/06/2017 09:02

You shouldn't have stayed the first time. He knows now he can talk you around. He will continue to do this because he has no respect for you. Is this the life you want for yourself?

MollyWantsACracker · 30/06/2017 09:10

Run, run, run

Thank the lord you don't have financial ties and children with him

A lifetime of misery awaits you should you stay.

Underthemoonlight · 30/06/2017 09:13

If you've got no ties e.g DC even then if you did have DC run as fast as you can he's a snake.

Mistressofpemberly · 30/06/2017 09:18

I feel for you OP. I really do. But please wake up and smell the roses. It couldn't be clearer what your partner is. If you are happy to remain with a cheater who has no respect for you then stay where you are and make excuses for him. But just for one moment ask yourself what this is going to be like when you are heavily pregnant and need his support and he is out shagging other women. When you are tired, not at your best and at home looking after young children and he is out shagging. Then finally when you are older and not meeting his needs and he leaves for someone who can put his selfish needs first.
Seriously, run like the wind.

Rumtopf · 30/06/2017 09:37

Why are you persevering with this cheating horror of a man?
He can't explain right now = he couldn't think of a good excuse on the spot.

Dump him and walk away.

Mumfun · 30/06/2017 09:45

Sorry that is just awful. He will just get worse and worse as many MNetters have found in the past. Get out now and get tested again.

Only1scoop · 30/06/2017 09:48

He's concocting his story and it sounds like you are giving him the time of day to do so. All the evidence is there. You don't need any more details. He will just hide it all more deviously if you stay with him.
Run run run

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 30/06/2017 09:50

Hi OP I feel for you because I've been in your position. I forgave him on numerous occasions so I know why you're saying you want to get through it. It's not as easy as some people say to just leave the man you love. My turning point was when I looked at my child and thought we deserve better. As a poster said above I think they enjoy the thrill. It boosts their ego. He also searched escorts, no evidence to say he went. He text various women, emailed various women.
One thing I'd say is leave as soon as you can because from my experience it ate me up. I became so paranoid and it drove me crazy. I know it's not easy but it will be better for you

WatchingFromTheWings · 30/06/2017 09:56

You have 2 options I guess. Leave. Which would be the sensible thing to do. Or stay. And put up with it, risk the chance of catching something nasty. He's not going to stop for you.

SparklyMagpie · 30/06/2017 10:00

I can't believe if he gave you an answer you'd " work through it " have some bloody self respect!

You have no ties so why would you stay with him?

Absilutely disgusting, i wouldn't even be able to look at it let alone anything else

YoureNotASausage · 30/06/2017 10:03

Sorry OP. It's clear what your future would be like with him. Time to move out and get on with your life. This man will make you miserable.

Hesabawbag · 30/06/2017 10:08

It sounds like he could be a sex addict. There's a book by Robert weiss, sex addiction 101. This is devastating news but you can get out now and find someone capable of giving you love and respect you deserve. Good luck.

yetmorecrap · 30/06/2017 10:20

So many get a buzz from this sort of crap , even when they don't follow through, it's really not worth the hassle of letting him explain, the fact is he is a total twat who doesnt deserve a nice partner

Adora10 · 30/06/2017 16:05

Sorry to be harsh but how many times does he have to show you he's a cheating scum bag.

If you stay then expect more of the same; he will NEVER change, total creep!

Moanyoldcow · 30/06/2017 16:15

Just. Leave. Him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread