Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend using escort/swinging websites

52 replies

Sarahhere1992 · 30/06/2017 08:12

Hi all, sorry this is my first post, I often read this website for advice etc but I really would appreciate advice for my own situation if possible.
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. He has always been kind and we get on so well, we are in love, or I thought we were. We've talked about children and marriage etc.
Anyway, we moved in renting together about two months ago. In the first week of moving in, I was using his laptop to look at old photos. I saw there was some in his trash box, when I opened them , I found pictures of himself with signs saying 'fabswingers' and his 'username'. There were two of these, one from a few months ago and one from a year ago. I was so heartbroken, when I looked into the website, this was to verify his account was his. I checked the usernames on the site but they had since been deleted. From this I then went on to find that he had a secret 'kik' messaging app account and lots of females on there, even a secret 'snapchat' account with girls on there too. When I confronted him about it he sweared that he just used it to 'look' and would never cheat on me. I forgave him and we gradually got back to normal.
But yesterday my curiousity got the better of me and I checked his google search history. Baring in mind he keeps his phone and laptop very secret and I actually had to find his laptop undernearth some cupboards. When I got on there I found that he had continuously been using 'fabswingers' 'adultwork' etc throughout our whole relationship. I have found out that adult work is an escort site, he also had lots of searches into different mobile numbers and 'escort review' sites. He had searched directions to different postcodes from his house, most of the postcodes being houses around this area, hotel etc.
The one that upset me most is that just before moving in together he had searched 'how to get and sti test, where to get an sti test, can you get an sti from oral from a female, can you get an sti without ejaculation, how long to wait before testing for chlamydia'. I regularly get tested and he knows this, and knows there is no way he could possibly get an infection from me.
I just don't understand any of it. Our sex life is amazing (I thought) and very regular. I'm so upset, I don't know what to do with myself.
I know he has previously met people for theesomes, as he has told me this, but it was all before we met.
I confronted him about it, the worst thing was that he was most angry that I'd gone on his history. I told him to tell me the complete truth and I would try to understand and get past it, but he still swears he only looked and would never ever cheat on me. I asked him to explain the sti test, the mobile numbers, the postcodes etc, and he said he will explain but can't right now. He hasn't even said that he's sorry or got upset. I honestly thought he would breakdown and tell me the truth and we could try to get over it but that's not what happened :(
Sorry for such a long post but I don't know what to do and I've lost so much sleep over this.
Thank you for any help Smile

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 30/06/2017 16:31

I'm so sorry, and this muddy be near breaking for you, but he b had shown you his much he lies, how he is capable of cheating, and that he is unable to take for feelings into account, or be in an exclusive relationship. He can't explain his easy out of needing sti checks if he's only been with you.
Leave him now, or have 20 years of unhappiness, and then leave him when your self esteem is on the floor, and you are no longer young.
I'm sorry, I know this sound harsh, but please don't fuck for self over.

inlectorecumbit · 30/06/2017 16:36

I asked him to explain the sti test, the mobile numbers, the postcodes etc, and he said he will explain but can't right now.

The reason being he hasn't thought of a remotely plausible excuse yet- but he is working at it.

Cut our losses and run >>>>>>>>>>>this way

FuckYouLinda · 30/06/2017 16:48

I asked him to explain the sti test, the mobile numbers, the postcodes etc, and he said he will explain but can't right now.

Yeah, give him a few hours to figure out how much he thinks you know, figure out what kind of plausible story he can come up with like maybe a friend used his google account to search etc... and he'll come back to you with some bullshit story.

That's not enough though. And deep down you know that if he needs a few hours before he can tell you and leave you in anguish until he does, that whatever he comes up with is a pile of lies. You know the truth here Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 30/06/2017 17:20

Your boyfriend will stick his cock into any whore he can get his hands on. This is the kind of man you think you can have a future with? Not a chance. Get rid.

user1495484765 · 30/06/2017 17:47

If you stay with him, this will be your life. Either accept that he uses sex workers and that is how it will be - or do the sensible thing and ditch him fast. He is a total loser, not worth clinging onto.

BrokenBattleDroid · 30/06/2017 18:14

Your choices are:

a) Lifetime of misery and doubt and cheating with this guy

b) Short spell of heartache followed by opportunities for happiness and decent relationships

As confused and twisted as everything currently feels it really is that simple. I'm sorry though Flowers, it's an awful thing to face. Life WILL be good again though (if you leave him).

FrencheoGrammaireo · 30/06/2017 21:54

No idea if you're still reading OP.

We (women - I'm assuming you're one) are somehow taught that we need to work at relationships and if we do it'll all be good.

It's maybe true in some cases, but in the majority and most definitely in this one, the skill isn't in working harder, the skill is in being true to yourself. We're not taught that.

Ellisandra · 30/06/2017 22:00

"I don't know what to do"

Pick your self esteem back up off the floor, dig around in the rubbish bin for your sense, and walk away.

LellyMcKelly · 01/07/2017 07:06

Unless he has an evil twin brother, he is doing this. That is the explanation. He is cheating on you with escorts.

DirtyChaiLatte · 01/07/2017 07:25

You caught him once, he came up with some bullshit exudes, and you forgave him.

You caught him AGAIN, and all you want from him is a confession only so that you can allow yourself to forgive him AGAIN.

I think your problem is YOU. He's shown you who he is more than once. Have some self respect and value yourself more.

Are you really that desperate to keep a serial cheater?

Isetan · 01/07/2017 12:47

Have to agree with the above, him being a lying shit is only your problem if you choose to stay.

This is who he is and just like with Trump, there's no pivot to where he stops being this guy on the horizon.

happypoobum · 01/07/2017 13:59

Put all his stuff in bin bags and send it to his work/mums/mates. Block him on everything.

Get yourself a full and thorough STI test - he's obviously caught something.

Get some counselling for yourself - your self esteem is clearly very low that you would even be asking for advice on what to do in a situation like this Flowers

TrueLove83 · 01/07/2017 14:05

Leave the dirty little fucker

deadringer · 01/07/2017 14:07

This is who he is op, if this is how he behaves when you have a good sex life imagine how it would escalate if you were going through a bad patch, illness, difficult pregnancy, whatever. Don't wait for his excuses, get out while you can.

Admirablenelson · 01/07/2017 14:41

He must want you to find this stuff if he lets you use his laptop and you know his password.

isitjustme2017 · 01/07/2017 15:36

Please get shot of him. He thinks he can get away with treating you like this and then lying through his teeth.
What gives him the right to treat you like this?
Can't understand why you are clinging on to this man, hoping for a plausible explanation when THERE ISN'T ONE. It sounds like you want him to talk you round but the bottom line is, he's been sleeping with prostitutes and god knows who and is putting your health at risk. This man does not love you.

SandyY2K · 01/07/2017 16:28

It would be a very bad decision to continue a relationship with this man.

You've seen who he is. He's a cheater and would continue cheating through your marriage, if it got that far.

End it, before he comes up with a stupid explanation that you convince yourself is plausible.

Get yourself Sti tested while you're at it.

I think you've already shown him you really want this relationship no matter what. That can be perceived as desperate to keep it and he'll take advantage of it.

BraveBear · 01/07/2017 16:59

he said he will explain but can't right now

Because he literally can't right now. It could take him days to come up with a good lie.

MartinaMartini · 01/07/2017 17:18

Fuck him off, hold your head up high and be proud of yourself for knowing that you will not tolerate being treated like that!

Value yourself: not him. He is a dirty lying cheating entitled bastard...no real loss is it!?

noodleaddict · 01/07/2017 17:19

I'm so sorry OP. I've been there and it's awful. He's reading from 'the script' and trying to buy some time to think of an excuse. He's cheated on you, with prostitutes and who knows who else, multiple times, and he will do again if you stay with him. You might want to believe his lies, but you know in your heart that he has. You've seen all the evidence you need. He's not going to change. Please leave him now. You're never going to trust him again and if you stay with him you will only drive yourself crazy. You deserve better, and you can do so much better.

LucieLucie · 01/07/2017 17:29

You really have to end this relationship op.

No matter how well you get on and how much good sex this man gets from you he will ALWAYS seek out extras.

He's been shagging around for the duration, unprotected it would seem too which is the unforgivable part.
He has lied and has really put your health at risk. Not to mention the amount of money he's squandered on these hookers.

Honestly, end it now. You will see the reality of the situation a few months down the line when you've had time apart to process it all.

FlyingElbows · 01/07/2017 17:52

You do know what to do, you leave. You look yourself in the eye in the mirror and you say out loud "I deserve better than this" and then you leave. You're not married, you have no children, you don't own the property you live in, you have binding ties. No binding ties means no legitimate reason to stay. If you choose to stay with this man (and it will be a choice) then you will live your life like ground hog day. The choice is yours.

Original poster
Sarahhere1992 · 14/07/2017 17:18

Hi all,
Thank you for all your helpful words and advice. It's been a tough few weeks but today I'm finally biting the bullet and ending the relationship.
It has made me too unhappy and no plausible 'excuse' was made other than that he was 'just curious' and 'just looking'. Thanks again all x

OP posts:
Adora10 · 14/07/2017 17:26

Well done, another switched on female, better things ahead for you OP!

DelphiniumBlue · 14/07/2017 17:28

Yuck. Ditch him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread