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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm a 40% tax payer...

36 replies

user1495915742 · 30/06/2017 07:52

I have a lovely friend. I've known her quite a long time and we get on really well.

However, every time I see her she always manages to slip into the conversation at least several times during a meet up that she is a 40% tax payer. She's done quite well at work but I'd hardly say that she has a stellar career. I think she earns in the region of £50k.

She used to be like this when we were first friends. I used to ignore her and eventually she seemed to grow out of it. However, she has a fairly new partner who is very materialistic and she's reverted back to old ways.

She's inherited money so has also managed to pay off her mortgage and makes no secret of it. Was openly discussing it with various random people. I just cringed when I was listening to her. I know it sounds like I am jealous but I'm not. I don't earn that much but DH has a very good job and I have also inherited enough to pay off our mortgage/have a decent chunk in the bank. She doesn't actually know that as I haven't shared that info with anyone outside of my immediate family. I know that money can be such an emotive issue and I would rather not alienate myself from people who aren't in such a fortunate position.

Not really sure what I am asking really. Should I tell her she sounds like a tit or just let her get on with it.

OP posts:
MissBax · 30/06/2017 07:54

Just say "I KNOW, YOUVE TOLD ME A MILLIOM TIMES!!!!" 😉
Seriously though, I can't stand 'money talk', it makes me feel very uncomfortable too.

UsernameName · 30/06/2017 08:31

I think she's a bit insecure to be honest. This behaviour seems to be fairly common (at least in my experience) amongst people who have just gotten into money be it via a new job, new inheritance, lottery win etc.

Just ignore her when she does so.

Original poster
user1495915742 · 30/06/2017 08:44

I just don't why she does it. I've known her a long time and have always supported her/cheered her on when she's got a new job or had a payrise.

On the surface of it, she has a 'glamorous' job but having worked in the same industry I know it's not. She knows I earn less than her so it feels a bit like an "I'm better than you because I'm a 40% tax payer, have company BUPA, etc. etc."

It really spoils what is otherwise a great friendship. Confused

OP posts:
skyzumarubble · 30/06/2017 08:50

YES I KNOW!! Everytime she says it should do the trick.

DoubleHelix79 · 30/06/2017 09:05

Keep asking her what tax band she is in. "I like this wine. By the way, what tax band are you in again?" She'll get the message eventually. Grin

thewooster · 30/06/2017 09:31

I've got a mate like this and it gets tedious. She's always spouting the same old story to people we bump into and bragging about how rich she is, where they are going on vacation (never calls it a holiday) and what new possessions they have bought for themselves.

I'm used to it now and smile when she's going off on one, plus I can see people glaze over as they probably know the same story.

Chocolatteandbiscuits · 30/06/2017 09:59

I have a similar friend. I think she's a great person just very materialistic. We work in the same industry. As I went and had a baby and she hasn't she now has excelled in her career and I'm very happy for her. But just makes me feel uncomfortable when she starts talking about salaries or what her really expensive procedure she's had now.
I'm just a little more modest and don't feel the need to brag about such things.
I'd just smile and let her got on with it knowing she sounds silly

HarryBiscuit · 30/06/2017 10:05

DoubleHelix Grin

yetmorecrap · 30/06/2017 10:21

It's her version of an ego boost, makes her feel good saying it. Extremely unclassy to be honest and usually by those who can't believe their luck

Isetan · 30/06/2017 10:22

It really spoils what is otherwise a great friendship.

Tell her this

superfluffyanimal · 30/06/2017 11:00

Jut tell her that you remember that she pays 40% tax and its getting wearing?

FetchezLaVache · 30/06/2017 11:04

Love DoubleHelix's suggestion! Grin

Seriously, how very gauche of her. None of the higher-rate tax payers I know would ever be so vulgar as to mention the fact. Tedious.

NapQueen · 30/06/2017 11:05

"You are also a 40% knob"

FetchezLaVache · 30/06/2017 11:06

If only Labour had got in. Imagine her annoyance at not being able to preface every other sentence with "as a super-rate tax payer..."

YoureNotASausage · 30/06/2017 11:14

Ah, I'd say she's just really thrilled with herself but it's a bit annoying to keep pointing it out to someone who clearly doesn't want to discuss money. I remember when my best friend got a job with a big pay rise and how excited she was, she's been steadily doing well since for example her shares did really well and she tells me this stuff because she knows I get a kick out of her success and that I've good finances too so it's not rubbing it in. But we love to natter about her options to buy house, build house, savings and investments etc. It's exciting! I can see she just can't believe her luck and is thrilled at the position she is in. I've had moments in life like that too and know I can share with her too. It's a total mumsnet no no but in reality people with money and financial options are fucking delighted they have money. It's just not something that should be spoken about outside of partners or very close friends who are mutually happy to discuss finances.

whattodowiththepoo · 30/06/2017 11:21

Draw attention to it every time. "WOW 40%??" Every time.

splendide · 30/06/2017 11:38

That's so odd. Totally get telling close friends about a pay rise but this seems such a mundane thing to mention.

Rioja123 · 30/06/2017 11:43

Just say yeh you mentioned that already.

Original poster
user1495915742 · 30/06/2017 11:44

She's earnt that amount for a while. It's nothing new and FWIW, I am really pleased she is doing well.

Yes, you guessed it. The only reason she voted Tory because she's a 40% taxpayer.

Recent conversation also centred on the fact that she couldn't possibly lower herself to have an operation on the NHS because she has BUPA. I'm just about to start an NHS job... Confused

I guess she's not very self aware.

I have another friend who has struggled financially for a while and gets very upset when people tell her they have paid off their mortgage.

OP posts:
NanooCov · 30/06/2017 11:59

She sounds like a dick. Talking about money is crass. See much much less of her until she becomes more human again?

Original poster
user1495915742 · 30/06/2017 12:18

I know. Clearly wants to indicate that she earns above a certain level without coming out with the amount. Just not sure how I can say she sounds like a tit.

May have to throw it into the conversation that an acquaintance is always banging on about how much tax he pays and it makes him sound like a complete tit.

OP posts:
Trills · 30/06/2017 12:27

Is she generally selfish and annoying, or just in this one way?

If she's generally nice and wants to not annoy or upset people then she'll be embarrassed at first when you say "Are you aware that you say that a lot?" but will later be glad you told her.

NameChanger22 · 30/06/2017 12:27

I have a friend who keeps on telling me that she's proud of herself and can't believe how well she's done for herself. It's annoying. She's a nurse who earns 32k (which is much more than I earn) but she got to such an 'impressive' salary mostly through luck rather than hard work.

She also never stops talking about the shopping she's done and where she's going on holiday.

I'm happy for her but bored and annoyed that she's never stops talking about it.

WeyHay · 30/06/2017 12:35

Otoh, to try to be charitable ...

I sometimes tell female colleagues my salary in a profession where salary levels are not always known so they know what they can aim for, and what it's possible to be paid (which is way more than 50k).

Sometimes secrecy about levels of salary contributes to women being paid far less. Knowledge is power for younger female colleagues!

Not sure that's what you're friend is doing, though Grin

Original poster
user1495915742 · 30/06/2017 12:35

No, just in this area.

We're very similar in terms of our educational achievements/background but she has done better on the career front than me as she's just more career/money motivated. In that department, it always felt like she put herself above me in terms of her job, earning power, etc. She bigs herself a lot and it's just sounds a bit daft for someone who is effectively only a middle manager.

OP posts:
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