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Original poster

Messages on boyfriends phone!

79 replies

TimesLikeThese · 29/06/2017 22:38

Not new to mumsnet just name changed.

My boyfriend is out with friends and has left his phone at home. He phoned from a friends phone around a hour ago to tell me and ask me to check his WhatsApp for a message and send the details to his friend. It's arrangements for a weekend thing, that they are sorting tonight.

As I'm looking through his chats, I noticed my name mentioned in messages to two of his friends, along the lines of me, not knowing/him not telling me. So I clicked and read the messages.
Not proud of that and know I shouldn't have.

Anyway, on reading them it's obvious one of his friends has been seeing someone behind his DP's back. My bf and another friend know, although both seem annoyed with him about it.

Now my dilemma, I'm friends with the DP. They have 1 dc and she's pregnant with the 2nd. She's also mentioned to me that he's been off with her recently.
So what the hell do I do?
Tell my bf I know?
Tell her what I know?
Keep my mouth shut and try pretend I haven't see it?

OP posts:
Sunshinegirls · 30/06/2017 17:40

OP wasn't snooping, he asked her to look. She read a message that caught her eye because her name was mentioned. I bet everyone here that is horrified that she looked is talking shit if they think they wouldn't have done the same.

Original poster
TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 17:42

He can be angry about me looking at the messages CallMeMaybe and I've admitted that was wrong of me.
But I can be angry about him keeping what he has from me too and he knows he was wrong to do so.
I can't put why on here as it might be too identifying and I'm not sure of the implications of that!
But knowing who the OW is I'll most definitely be making sure his friends partner knows about it.
By sort it, I meant he's got the weekend to speak to his friend and decide who's going to be the one to tell her.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 30/06/2017 17:48

Controlling much?

Original poster
TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 17:56

Controlling much?

No really not!!

OP posts:
Sunshinegirls · 30/06/2017 17:58

OP's friends OH is cheating on her and she is pregnant. He could have passed her an STI, yes, I think a deadline is necessary to protect the unborn child. Don't know why you are getting a hard time Times, I think you are doing the right thing. It'll be a shit storm but intimately the right thing.

BewareOfDragons · 30/06/2017 17:59

You did the right thing, OP.

Your DP should be mad at himself, not you, for seemingly protecting a cheater. His friend is cheating on his pregnant partner. That is not ok. And if he thinks it is, then you really need to consider staying with someone who thinks this is ok.

Your friend deserves better.

Sunshinegirls · 30/06/2017 17:59

Ultimately not intimately Blush

AceholeRimmer · 30/06/2017 18:01

What a scummy man. I always reply to these threads that I would tell straight away, I don't care if they ignore me forever more. But in this case I would wait a few months after baby is born just incase it harms her pregnancy.

SherlockStones · 30/06/2017 18:03

Going through his phone, now giving him ultimatums and having the cheek to be more annoyed at him.

Blimey.

Original poster
TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 18:33

Without knowing the details it probably seems that way Sherlock

But all I will/can say on the OW is that we have had to involve the police.

So yes I think he should have told me she's been sleeping with one of his friends.

He had told his friend he wouldn't lie or anything for him Beware and he really doesn't think it's ok.
The cheater supposedly ended it and he didn't know at the time who she was!

OP posts:
CallMeMaybe · 30/06/2017 18:34

Well, given your reaction and issuing ultimatums and such it's not hard to see why he didn't tell you is it?

MommaGee · 01/07/2017 02:30

OP you did the right thing. If want you as my friend.

This whole its not your life butt out is crap. He's cheating on a pregnant partner and the pregnant partner has a right to know.

OP try to understand what your DP kept his friends confidence and they to but let it cause upset in your own relationship

RainyApril · 01/07/2017 03:47

You sound like a lovely person and a great friend op. You did the right thing by your friend even though it meant admitting to looking at your bf's messages. You have put a number of people in a difficult position so there might be times when you wonder whether you did the right thing, but you definitely did and the only people who should be agonising over the situation are the cheater and the people covering it up for him.

Naicehamshop · 01/07/2017 08:35

You did the right thing in a difficult situation, op. Ignore the "controlling" comments on here. Hmm

hellsbellsmelons · 01/07/2017 08:43

Well done OP.
Hopefully the poor woman will find out very soon and can then make an informed decision about her future.

Original poster
TimesLikeThese · 01/07/2017 09:32

I've not doubted that telling her or getting him to is the right thing, if some people think that makes me controlling, I guess it's good I'm not going out with them.
My boyfriend knows I'm not the kind of person to keep quite about things, just because it doesn't directly involve me and it's part of what he loves about me.

I'm not proud of how I found out, I've apologised for that and I won't be touching his phone ever again! He's apologised too and we're ok.

He told cheating friend yesterday that he needs to tell her this weekend or my boyfriend will. He's meant to be telling her today, my boyfriend is taking their DC out this morning so they have time to talk.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 01/07/2017 09:49

I'd have had to do what you've done.

Hope your friend is ok

Magpie18 · 01/07/2017 09:50

Absolutely the right thing to do Times - you've handled a horrible situation in the best way possible. I would do exactly the same & would be very happy to have a friend like you, who cared enough about me to do this.

Her "DP" is responsible for this mess & I'm glad your DP sees it as you do now.

i hope your friend has all the help & support she needs to face what's coming.

MrsWooster · 01/07/2017 09:52

TIMES you sound like you have a pretty decent moral compass - and I'd bet a quid your bf had at least a subconscious desire for you to find out and force him to act, which speaks well for him too. If i were in this sitch, gods forbid, I'd want you both to do what you're doing.

Original poster
TimesLikeThese · 01/07/2017 16:29

Well he told her and gave her the whole story. Well at least what my boyfriend knew, as she asked when he dropped their dc off.

I've not spoken to her, but sent a text saying I was here if she wanted to talk or if she needed someone to watch dc. Her sister is with her now and he's gone to stay with friends not us

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 01/07/2017 16:33

Does she know the police are involved? Poor woman.

Original poster
TimesLikeThese · 01/07/2017 16:47

The police were involved with me and the ow Schnitzel (My bf's never slept with her though, I just have to make that clear!!)

She knows who she is though, yes!

OP posts:
talaj888 · 01/07/2017 20:49

100% right thing to do, you sound like a really good friend and someone I hope my friend would be if I was ever to be in that situation.
Your boyfriend would get over the looking at messages (I know mine would) and I would have done the same to ensure this woman isn't staying with such an arsehole. X

OhhBetty · 02/07/2017 08:54

I'd want you as my friend op.
I wish someone had told my. All my ex's workplace knew about his affair when I was pregnant. I would have thought one of them would have gave a shit about the health of my baby but apparently not.
I'd rather be shot as the messenger than allow her and her baby's health to be at risk.
I hope she realises she's worth 10 of him and kicks him out.

WinchestersInATardis · 02/07/2017 09:09

As the person being cheated on you feel like you are going insane

This.

Good for you OP. I wish I'd had someone like you around when XH was sleeping around. Instead, I had months of him being off with me and making me believe it was my fault. Never felt so low.

And she's pregnant. If he's passed an sti on, it could seriously harm the baby Angry