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Original poster

Messages on boyfriends phone!

79 replies

TimesLikeThese · 29/06/2017 22:38

Not new to mumsnet just name changed.

My boyfriend is out with friends and has left his phone at home. He phoned from a friends phone around a hour ago to tell me and ask me to check his WhatsApp for a message and send the details to his friend. It's arrangements for a weekend thing, that they are sorting tonight.

As I'm looking through his chats, I noticed my name mentioned in messages to two of his friends, along the lines of me, not knowing/him not telling me. So I clicked and read the messages.
Not proud of that and know I shouldn't have.

Anyway, on reading them it's obvious one of his friends has been seeing someone behind his DP's back. My bf and another friend know, although both seem annoyed with him about it.

Now my dilemma, I'm friends with the DP. They have 1 dc and she's pregnant with the 2nd. She's also mentioned to me that he's been off with her recently.
So what the hell do I do?
Tell my bf I know?
Tell her what I know?
Keep my mouth shut and try pretend I haven't see it?

OP posts:
ToddlerIs2 · 30/06/2017 08:36

I don't know if its relationship ending OP but I suspect keeping the secret and your anger at not knowing and you possibly telling the g but not your BF etc will slowly kill your relationship anyway.

Fess up. Take the (metaphorical) hit.
Agree what to do re friends.
If she expresses her concerns ccn you lead her to make her own conclusions?

troodiedoo · 30/06/2017 08:38

Your friend really needs to have an sti test. Untreated chlamydia can be very dangerous for baby.

I don't think it's unreasonable to read messages if he's asked you to access what's app. I would encourage your bf to tell his friend to sort his shit out before it hits the fan. I know I would find it hard to pretend I didn't know anyway.

Shit situation all round though, feel for all involved.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/06/2017 09:01

I was pretty angry when I found out my ExH had cheated and 'friends' knew but hadn't told me.
Even my recent ExP cheated.
Although I had enough proof to end things I found out this week that he cheated while I was away.
My skin crawls just thinking about it.
But I wish people had told me before rather than now.
As the person being cheated on you feel like you are going insane.
Please do her a favour and tell her.
How pregnant is she.
With all the details she may need to make some important decisions about her future!

Original poster
TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 09:19

I know he's going to be seriously annoyed ShatnersWig And rightly so, as you says it's a invasion of his privacy and I'd be furious if he read my messages.
I'm such a idiot! I don't know what I was thinking at all. We don't have that kind of relationship, I know his insta, facebook etc log ins and I've never looked, I've used his phone before and he's asked me to read messages and again, I've only read what he's asked.

I've seriously fucked up, haven't I?

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 30/06/2017 09:21

Not necessarily. We aren't your boyfriend.

But you obviously can't say anything to your friend without it coming out how you found out.

So your options are:
a) say nothing
b) tell your friend without telling your boyfriend
c) speak to your boyfriend and then decide what you're going to do

Original poster
TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 09:23

I know troodiedoo that's one of the main reasons I need to tell her. And the one area I'm annoyed with my bf over. I get his loyalty to his mate, but putting her and the baby at risk, I'm a bit shocked he wouldn't say something about that!

I know I need to tell her hellsbells or show her the messages I've seen anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 09:32

He's going to be furious ShatnersWig I know it!
The thing is if I'd said I'd noticed the mention of me and asked him what it was about, he'd have probably told me. If I'd expressed concern in regards to our relationship he definitely would have.

OP posts:
Sunshinegirls · 30/06/2017 09:35

Do that! Tell home that while you were looking at the message he asked you to look at, you noticed the one that mentioned you and let him tell you himself. Though if he doesn't fess up, you might be in a bigger pickle

Original poster
TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 09:35

I'm just going to have to suck it up and tell him when he gets home from work!!
It's not ok to text him and then move back to my parents is it?

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 30/06/2017 09:37

Hang on, he asked you to go on whatsapp on his phone. I would simply say to him you saw your name mentioned on an old msg (they cascade in a list on the first page, was it one of them?), and curiosity got the better of you. I don't see that as a big deal.

If I've missed the point and you said it was an older message, I.e. One you scrolled back a long way to see then I guess he'll be less impressed, but still, you did it, I would fess up.

Fwiw, I was cheated on whilst pg, it drove me mad as he denied it to the hills, I would've been so so grateful if someone had validated my suspicions and stopped me from feeling mad, as he was trying to make me feel.

ShatnersWig · 30/06/2017 09:37

Well then you just have to suck it up.

You've already decided to tell your friend (and I understand why, btw).

You did something you shouldn't have and will have to take the consequences if there are any.

Madbum · 30/06/2017 09:51

I would be a complete coward and not tell BF I know, I'd send an anymous message to the poor woman in question and keep my gob shut when the shit hits the fan.

Madbum · 30/06/2017 09:52

Anonymous

hellsbellsmelons · 30/06/2017 09:56

Would he really over-react that much even you just explain why you looked?
I know it's an invasion but he may understand why you looked.
Or as previous poster says, let her know anonymously if there is a way to do that.

Original poster
TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 10:06

I can't lie, seriously my bf suspected something was wrong last night and he was a bit drunk and I didn't say more than two sentences to him! So even if I do it anonymously, if she asks me or my bf if we know anything I'd have to say something.

I'm kinda hoping his guilt over knowing will slightly off set his anger at me snooping!

On the plus side my bf and both friends, seemed certain if I knew I'd tell her. So that part won't be a shock at least

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/06/2017 10:07

I'd tell him I read his messages because I saw my name and that I know. I would not tell the mans partner he is cheating. I really think it's not your place to dictate their relationship or interfere in that manner.

The ultimatum to his friend and the interfering in his firends relationship is probably what will end your relationship or seriously damage it at least, not the reading of his messages.

If my husband read my messages I'd be mildly annoyed, if he found out my femal friend was cheating And insisted I give her an ultimatum otherwise he would tell her partner she was cheating, I'd be beyond furious at him for betraying the trust she had in me and for forcing their relationship to deal with it. It would cause huge damage to our relationship.

Stay out of it, but discuss with him you know.

Original poster
TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 10:11

From the messages I gather the friend hasn't told him, my bf found out.
I get what you're saying Bluntness but what about her health and that of the baby? And she is a friend of mine and my bf's too.

OP posts:
shockthemonkey · 30/06/2017 10:35

How about you just tell your BF that you saw the messages mentioning your name and is there anything he would like to tell you (imply that you fear for your own relationship, is he hiding anything from you on that score).

That way you don't need to tell him you opened the messages. As you pointed out, you actually came across the truncated messages while you were scrolling through looking for the messages he asked you to find. So you're in the clear... and as you also said, he would probably have opened up to you had you put an open question to him.

THEN when he comes clean you can discuss the responsible thing to do regarding letting your friend know she is being cheated on.

0hCrepe · 30/06/2017 11:53

Your friendship with this couple as it is is over now anyway. Your boyfriend and you both know something that has changed it, so there's no point in being worried about messing that up, that ship has sailed thanks to the cheating man.
Regarding reading messages, why would your boyfriend be bothered you'd read a message mentioning you? It's a completely natural response to seeing your own name and it sounds like you don't have secrets- I don't get the huge issue about reading messages if you have nothing to hide. Talk to him about it.
Then tell the woman and make sure she knows you'll be her friend no matter what action she wants to take. But don't worry about messing up a friendship between you four. Cheater did that. The alternative would be for all this to come out in the future and you to have known all along. Then your friend would have been doubly shat on.

Original poster
TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 16:19

Well I've told him I'd read the messages and he's pretty annoyed.
But now I know the full details and in particular who the OW is, I'm as equally annoyed with him (or more so!)

He's asked me not to say anything to her as yet and I've said he's got the weekend to sort it!
It's definitely not a very happy home here at the moment though.

And the cheating friend, he's a really stupid fucking cunt!!

OP posts:
flipflapsflop · 30/06/2017 16:28

Why are you more annoyed than him? He hasn't had an affair. He hasn't condoned the affair. Be careful you don't get too angry at him for your prying.

HotNatured · 30/06/2017 16:39

I'd keep well out. this has the potential to blow up in your face.

shockthemonkey · 30/06/2017 17:04

You could have raised it without telling him you'd opened the messages (as per my suggestion above).

Then he could have come clean without getting angry with you.

Original poster
TimesLikeThese · 30/06/2017 17:08

I did consider it shock but if he'd not come clean I'd have had to admit I'd looked. Plus I'm a terrible liar and think he might have guessed I knew something already.

It's who the OW is flipflap and how his friend came to meet her. He knows he's done wrong, probably why he was so keen on me not knowing about it!

OP posts:
CallMeMaybe · 30/06/2017 17:28

So, you've been snooping through your partner's messages and now you're giving him a deadline to sort it out? What exactly do you want him to do? You A had no business going through his messages, and B, who is having an affair with who is none of your business and you're nobody's moral guardian, it's not your place to tell him whether he should sort it out or not. He's not the one having the affair.

Honestly if my partner started snooping through my phone then giving me ultimatums based on what he'd found during his snooping I would leave him.