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Relationships

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Original poster

I need to leave my DP even though I love him - what should I do?

33 replies

DanaScully83 · 29/06/2017 03:57

Hi everyone - I think I've decided to leave my DP but need your advice on whether I am badly overreacting. Please be brutal as I'm so confused.

My DP and I have been together 2 years and I'm currently 7 months pregnant. We're both so happy about the baby and he has been incredible during the pregnancy.

But about 9 months ago I found out that shortly after we started dating he slept with another woman. Although we weren't living together at the time I thought we were very serious about each other. I'd also asked him if he had slept with anyone after we got together and he told me no. At the time I found out I was tempted to leave straight away. However, he convinced me to give it a go for a few months to see how things went. Next thing I found out I was pregnant (in very traumatic circumstances - I didn't know I was pregnant and only found out when I miscarried one of the babies). Although it wasn't planned (contraception failure) we were both very happy.

For the past few months I've realised that I have lost trust in my DP- what happened at the beginning of our relationship has really influenced how I feel about him. I've noticed myself questioning him more and worrying whenever he or I have to work away. There are no warning signs but I am driving myself crazy. I can't carry on like this and know that once the baby arrives it could be even worse.

I really don't know what to do. I love him so much but I don't know how I can ever completely trust him. I think the best thing to do is to leave him rather than driving myself crazy and pushing him away / making his life a misery by not trusting him. Please help me I really don;t know what is for the best :(

OP posts:

AgathaF · 29/06/2017 04:11

I can completely understand the hurt you feel, and the lack of trust in him at the moment. That said, at seven months pregnant, you will be seeing things differently than you might otherwise do. The incident was very early in your relationship, presumably before you were committed to each other. You don't say how long you had been together, or the circumstances of why he did what he did. Are you talking about this being a couple of weeks in, or six months along the line?

If your relationship is otherwise good, and this was at the very beginning, is it worth seeking some couples counselling before you make this big decision?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/06/2017 04:19

I think you need to step back and calm down. Aside from this once instance that happened when you first started dating, has he really given you any reason to doubt him? Perhaps even thought you thought it was serious he didn't. I'm not saying cheating should be condoned, but this truly might be a completely isolated incident. He's only human and no one is perfect. Don't ruin a wonderful relationship over your insecurities.

claraschu · 29/06/2017 04:26

My husband did something similar, but more serious, a few weeks in to our relationship. I am glad Mn didn't exist then because it was something that everyone would have said was a deal breaker. We stayed together, and 28 years and 3 children later, he has never given me even one moment's worry that he was unfaithful.

AdalindSchade · 29/06/2017 04:27

In these circumstances I would say try relationship counselling before separation.

Lweji · 29/06/2017 04:28

The main problem for me would be that he lied about it.

What was the contraception that you were using at the time? Could he have manipulated it?

user1492287253 · 29/06/2017 04:29

i guess the issue really is that the pregnancy has kind of pushed you into s corner and the time you should have had building up a relationship and trust wasnt there.
the

only you will know whether there was a genuine question over your understanding at the time
however, you have already faced a lot together. what have his actions and deeds told you about his values, his comitment to you and the child?

Original poster

DanaScully83 · 29/06/2017 04:57

Thanks everyone who has replied so far. I know that pregnancy hormones are probably making me less rationale than usual hence the request for advice.

AgathaF - It was 3 months into the relationship which I guess isn't that long. It happened whilst I was on a holiday that I had booked prior to us starting dating. What hurts the most is that even at that early stage we had talked about moving to another country together (the one he is originally from - we met in the UK). 1 year into the relationship we made the move together. I obviously didn't know about him sleeping with someone else at that stage and can't help but feel that if I had known before the move I wouldn't have come here.

claraschu - that is good to hear. I know I need to put this behind us - as I said he has been incredible since I got pregnant - the way we found out was very traumatic and he has been an absolute rock since. I also know that shortly we're going to have a very special little person to think about and I don't want to ruin this time with insecurities and doubts.

OP posts:

kateandme · 29/06/2017 05:06

I think cheating is bad at any point in the relationship and its your right to be hurt.and when you lose that trust it can seem or not ever come back.
how long have you felt like leaving him.once you go you go rember that.its harder to come back together when split than if you tried staying to work hrough it.
if you cant you cant.noone can bug or badger you to feel differently to how you do no matter whether other oculd or have gotten over similar.
also have you thought about life without him.seriously as in every day look around you.all the things you do with and for and because he in your life.can you imagine this will be better than now?
and then talk to him.be honest.this will only change if you both know whats going on and can talk(therapy)yor way through it together.coming up with anything to sort this wont help if he isn't aware he might need to change or adapt so the you will come across as cold or pushing him away and he wont no why just that you are.and then he might tart coming up with his own stories in his mind etc etc.you need eacohter here to keep together.
take care

Lweji · 29/06/2017 05:29

3 months in is a fair time, and you weren't casual.

I hope it's a country you can easily leave with your child without his pemission. You may end up trapped. And it's possible that he trapped you into getting pregnant.

I'm sorry, but I'm not particularly hopeful for this relationship. Perhaps I'm an older cynic, and I obviously don't know him, but the whole setting sounds odd to me.

How did he react when you found out?

Lweji · 29/06/2017 05:31

Many women who end up leaving bad relationships wish they had followed their instincts at the start.
Perhaps you should trust your instincts now.

user1498166085 · 29/06/2017 05:38

It's your hormones talking.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/06/2017 05:41

What he did cannot be a life sentence. It isn't fair. What he did isn't fair on you either. You made a decision to stay with him despite what he did and I understand you are unable to just "suck it up". So I would look into some talking therapy. Perhaps you will feel differently after the birth. Your behaviour right now is pushing him away and if you continue on this path of pushing and getting more suspicious and possessive, your relationship will become very difficult for both of you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/06/2017 05:44

Ive just read whaf Lweji said. I assumed you are in the uk. If you're not, that puts a different perspective on it. I'd come home to have the baby and take some time to think.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 29/06/2017 05:50

I think you should really get some proper relationship counselling over this.

You've lost trust, you're in an emotional and physically vulnerable position right now, and you're not even in your home country.
If you don't find a way to put this behind you (and I'm not saying you actually should, not yet) then it will remain as a black little worm eating away at you, creating mistrust and resentment, which will ultimately kill your relationship anyway.

So if you don't get counselling (or can't), and you can't put it behind you (understandable) then I have to agree it would be better for you to come back to your home country and have the baby there, and review your options where you won't be trapped should you decide to split with him after all.

garud · 29/06/2017 05:52

Late pregnancy is a very vulnerable time so it's understandable that you have these concerns now when you had perhaps previously been ok with it. I was ready to say that's all it was, but you have the added vulnerability of being in a your DH's home country, pregnant and unmarried.

I think you have to think seriously about how secure you are in your relationship, talk to your DH now about your concerns, and see how he reacts. If he reacts badly or in any way that causes you more anxiety rather than reassuring you, you need to think about whether you need to leave before the baby is born, because it will be harder once she/he is here.

Underthemoonlight · 29/06/2017 06:00

3 months into a relationship should be the honeymoon period not for him to sleep with some else when you were away on holiday. From your post I thought you meant 3 weeks right at the start. I would class that as cheating. My ex was the same he had history of cheating and it was always in the back of mind when I was pregnant. He latter left me when DS was 1 for ow.Personally I would trust your instincts.

JustMumNowNotMe · 29/06/2017 06:52

I agree, 3 months in shpuldcery much be the honeymoon 'can't get enough of each other' stage, so thw fact that he cheated on you so early in your relationship is awful

I also think perhaps give counselling a go if you still love him and want to move past it. If you can't or don't want to move past it then ending the relationship will be healthier for you in the long run. A lifetime of worrying, checking phones etc is no way to live of this doesn't get resolved one way or another

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 29/06/2017 07:10

Which country are you living in now?
In many countries once your child is born there you would find it hard to take your child to uk if you did split without his permission, as the new country would be the child's legal home.
If you did split later, would you want to stay in that country until your dc is 18??
I would urgently see a Solicitor to find out the specifics for your country.
Check the limit for how late you can fly in pregnancy.
If Solicitor confirms this is a concern, I would honestly come back to uk to give birth, and then you have time and space to decide what to do in your relationship.
First year of child's life is wonderful but also can be a big pressure on any cracks in a relationship, so

How did you find out about the cheating?
I would have expected him to be honest with you before you moved to his country. Regardless of his justification, I think he was wrong to not come clean at that point.

AgathaF · 29/06/2017 08:58

Your last post does put a slightly different slant on things. Three months in, when you were talking about moving to his country and living together, I think it was fair of you to assume that he was committed to you. Obviously he wasn't completely. Being abroad now also complicates things. Is this a country that you could leave easily with your child if things didn't work out? If not then it may be prudent to leave now, even if it means that you carry on building on your relationship but from a distance.
You've stressed that he's been great since the pregnancy. How was he before that? Just as great, or just ok?

Changedname3456 · 29/06/2017 09:07

I guess some of this comes down to what you were like at that three month point. Were you in each other's pocket and seeing each other every night or was it still once or twice a week? I'm not trying to excuse the cheating but "honeymoon period" might be a bit of a stretch if you weren't seeing one another that often.

I think an LTB at this stage, particularly in late pregnancy, would be a mistake. He's been supportive, presumably is saying the right things in terms of apologising etc and you have quite a lot to throw away over a mistake which (if the stats are true) roughly half of men and women will make at least once in a marriage.

IMO, get some counselling, have the baby and then make a decision as to whether you can let this go or not.

roxanabush44 · 29/06/2017 10:51

This reply has been deleted

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exWifebeginsat40 · 29/06/2017 10:54

thanks, Dr Marvin!

maras2 · 29/06/2017 10:58

Reported.

GirlcalledJames · 29/06/2017 10:58

As PP have said, it can be very difficult when he is a national of the country you are in and you are not (I've just finished reading 'Not without my daughter ' which is an example). Taking measures to protect yourself doesn't mean you can't go back, so definitely find out your legal situation now.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/06/2017 11:02

Woah, ok. The country thing does make a massive difference.

I was about to say, don't make any decisions - see how it goes, etc. Yes the pregnancy could be colouring your views (having said that - unfaithful three months in - not good, actually. Would be a dealbreaker for me if you'd talked about being exclusive, moving in together etc.)

BUT. You need to think bigger. As PP have said, if you have the baby in another country there are all sorts of potential complications, which could create immense problems for you if you were to split later.

What country are you in?

You are almost certainly too late to fly, so that's a factor. But if you are able to get back to the UK by train etc, I woul dseriously think about leaving simply in order to have your baby in the UK. Then you are a 'free agent' and can make more permanent decisions later.

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